The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't decided that I want the A to see his son- it's been over 6 months, but it bothers me that he hasn't really pushed to see him. Just mentioned it casually once. I guess I shouldn't be suprised by this.
They tell us to keep expectations out of it, and I think they are right.
I do know that when I tried to understand my A's motivations, I was almost always way off. Sometimes he turned out to be a much nastier and more cowardly person than I had thought, but sometimes it turned out that he was a larger and better person than I'd given him credit for being.
Too hard for me to figure him out - best just to keep the focus on me.
No, you shouldn't be suprised. Hurt, angry, yes. If I didn't enable my ex to be a father, then he wasn't one. He just abandonded the kids. My ex doesn't see other people as people, only as an extention of himself. And he only acknowledges extentions that feed his ego. The kids did that BUT they were also needy. They needed love, attention and affection and he felt that took away from him. Sick. So, it was easy for him to not ever ask, or worry about them. Because to him, they are just not important. It makes me physically ill to accept this. But it is what has been explained to me by professionals. It does make sense. He was a "great" dad. He was the one who was with the kids every single night. He fed them, bathed them, ran them around to activities and friend's house. He read to them and did homework with them. And then, when I stopped enabling him to be a father, he stopped being one.
It hurts. It is wrong and should be punishable by law. But, who knows, maybe your AH will pull it together and be a dad before it is to late. There is hope for everyone. In the meantime, love your son. He needs one sane parent and you're it.
I'm w/ Lin, who knows why they do things & even if you ask they are likely not to be honest about it (if thy're using) ~ I just remember what I heard in one of my first open NA/AA mtgs... 'if their lips are moving, they are lying'. Why project or think about him at all, besides you don't even know if you want him to see your son. I know first hand that growing up with the disillusionment, broken promises and general emotional & psychological abuse creates so many issues, if I could have chosen, I wouldn't have experienced it.
Because I have no expectations, I am sometimes surprsied when the A exhibits true responsibility or humanity - it's so rare. In general I do not believe a word they say & listen to their words w/ a grain of salt - I watch their actions.
Good luck to you & hang in there, you are not alone. -kitty
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
In my experience I left it totally for the A to see his son. I never put him down in front of son. Always stayed out of it.
To be honest, I am glad the A stayed away. My son is a much better man for it. A's are sick, they are insane when they use and close to it when they are sober and not on a program.
co there is NO way to answer anything about the A. they don't even know what makes them tick except drugs.
I know it is hard mainly because you are young. It hurts to face all this. and your darling child deserves a father. But we cannot make that so.
I did my best to take my kids out to experience everything i could. rafting, hiking, camping, taught them how to use carpentry tools, How to fix their Jeeps.
I cried too becuz they are such special people who would have loved having fathers. My daughters father was very drunk and was killed on the highway walking.
Sons father played music and did the sex drugs and rock and roll thing.
My mother and gpa and gma were who really loved my kids. And also my friends too.
You can do that, make sure as he grows up he is with lots of people to be his support system.
I am sad for your A. He is missing out on a nice gal and a precious child.
I think I'm with serendipity on this one. I think for my A our son is just a tool to get at me, to make me think he cares so I'll give him another chance to continue in his lifestyle. When things get hard they're never willing to work for it in my experience. I wish I could find some other positive male role models for my son!!! I have NONE. In the end they are the ones who suffer the most from those choices because they are the ones who miss out. I don't let my A see our son, I have expectations that he has to meet before he can and he is yet to meet them (ie have a job, place to live and way to get to and from the meeting place). Last time he saw the kids (the ones who would go) he seemed to have a much better time than they did and it seems that he didn't really interact with them much just watched them. He is in no way prepared to be a father and I refuse to do it for him anymore.
