The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has occurred to me that when I truly "like" somebody I can not relax in a relationship. It also is true that I try to insist that they do what I want them to do then overreact when they don't. You would think it was good that I have discovered this about myself but now I find myself worrying about this fact and feeling bad that the A knows this about me. That this would be a reason he wouldn't want to be around me, would choose someone else. Also it might mean that I can't change this behavior about myself, never be in a relationship and ultimately never be happy with myself..I know this sounds dramatic but it is how I am feeling right now. I am feeling desperate. Desperate for his approval and even more upset that he sees my desperation after ALL the progress I have made. Maybe some things never change.
Awareness, Acceptence, Action. Sounds like you have 2 of those down!!!
Ya know, CoDe, when I read your post you sound so very smart, honest, kind, and well spoken. And that makes me wonder why you are so concerned with what a guy who was just released from jail thinks about YOU!!! If I were him, I would be WAY concerned with what you think of HIM!! I mean, who really wants to be with someone who has a criminal record much less a recent criminal record? I think you could be a lazy, mean, unemployed jerk and he would STILL be lucky that you would even look in his direction!
You just have to turn it around. Because from the outside looking in, this guy has NOTHING to offer you. Nothing. Not a thing. And I will say to you what one of my beautiful friends in this program said to me "What is it you see in THAT????" And I gave her all these half hearted answers and she shot me down on each and every one.
You have it going on CoDe!!!!! You really do and when you realize that you are gonna feel so much better. Sweetie, a man should love you, take care of you, treat you with respect. You are worth those simple little things. That is just basic. You deserve that and so does your child. There is better out there. You're doing great so far!!!!
Yeah, you do sound very dramatic but its not all black and white, honey. Just try to relax- its good that you are aware that this is just a passing feeling (and feelings are not facts).
You cannot predict the future or anything about your future relationships. Stay out of it- stay just in this moment here and now and try not to heap absolutes onto your self. Seren is right- you have 2 of the three A's going, please do not lose hope, just try to be still and be gentle to yourself. Hugs, J.
So - you have identified one of the problems that has been making your life unhappy. Until this was done, there was no way you could change, and so you WERE stuck with this. Now, though, your options are much better. This is a learned behaviour - you learned to do it, and you can learn to do something healthier instead. In your future is the real possibility of relationships that are healthy, and good for you.
There's a famous quote - you choose the choice you choose the consequence. I think too much we try to separate the two or think that the consequence doesn't always have to come with the choice or maybe this time the consequence will be different but then just like the sun rises in the east it is the same again. Not to say that people can't change, but to say that change takes a good long time and to believe that it will be the same until you SEE the change rather than believing it will be different based on words alone. You see your part, that's great, now YOU can do something about your part. You see it now just learn to recognize when it's coming on and put a stop to it even if it's hard. I had a hard time saying no, I felt like that was being mean - not saying what he wanted to hear or saying things I knew he didn't want to hear. This is where we have to separate US from THEM and realize that we are our own person and they can never MAKE us happy, we can only make ourselves happy.
