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Hi All, Well I went upstate Thurs. nite to pick up AH on Friday a.m. from rehab. I was getting cold feet about him coming home on Thurs. nite, called him on my way up and told him that. He was sweet as pie, told me it was all gonna be good. Later that night, he called me, said he loved me and couldn't wait to see me. That almost made me feel sick to my stomach. In the past couple of weeks that he was gone, I talked to him maybe a total of 5-10 mins. per day. That was just enough, trust me. I picked him up on Friday, he gives me a big kiss and tells me he loves me. OK, yay for him. On the really long ride home, he tells me about a couple of people there (he introduced me to them) and there was this one woman he was telling me about. I said to him "do you realize you know more about this person's life than you do mine for the past two years". No comment back. Nothing. Anyway, he goes to his meeting that night we came home (doing 90 in 90, which is a good sign, I guess). Yesterday he gets up to go to work, I had my grandkids over. He comes home, kisses the grandkids, brings home lunch for us all, then goes to the den to eat it, go on the computer, relax. Later, I bring the grandkids home and me and my sons were sitting outside, like we've done for the past couple of weeks. Thing is, my sons (29 and 26 years old), like to sit on a Sat. after working, have a beer and play a little cards (as an unwind time). They couldn't do that with AH around. It just seemed so different. See AH always made everyone feel so uncomfortable in their own house, that now that he's back, even though we all said we were gonna continue doing what we do, it's just real uncomfortable. AH comes out, chats a couple of minutes (of course, all about him) then goes back inside. He was going to go to a 9 p.m. meeting. Thing is, I brought the grandkids home at like 4 p.m. AH could have went to a 5 or 6 p.m. meeting, then possibly said "wanna take a beach walk" or something. Something to have some kind of conversation and find out maybe where my head is at w/us (our marriage), some kind of effort to make amends for the hell he put me thru for two years. No, instead has to go to that meeting "cause he knows people there". Again, all about him. In the past couple of years, our marriage has been so one sided and so damaged (I don't even think I feel any love toward him at all anymore), you would think that he'd be trying to make amends. Then, of course, I feel I'm being bated for the relapse by him saying "you don't love me anymore, you don't want this, I can tell", where I replied that I felt he was being selfish and that I wanted more out of life and marriage than this rollercoaster ride and selfish husband, that for years I was so lonely and that I finally hasd a normal 3 weeks, and that that's what I wanted. You know what - he actually had the nerve to tell me that "he's only been home 24 hours!" and to give him a break, he went to work and he's tired. OK - while he's been in rehab for a month (not working, except on himself), I've been working, paying the bills, maintaining our house, what about ME being tired! I was telling my son that, and son said maybe I should tell AH that and be honest about my feelings. Can't do that AT ALL w/AH. AH likes life on his terms, and now I'm feeling really shortchanged. I'm being set up for the relapse, I know it, I can feel it. If I bring up anything that remotely suggests I'm not happy, relapse time. Been there, done that last year. Actually, last year when he got out of rehab, he was alot nicer, alot less selfish, etc. Point I guess I'm trying to make here in all of this is that I loved the past 4 weeks, I loved being who I was, I loved coming home, I loved knowing what I was walking into, I loved not having to answer to someone. He just really brings me down, drunk or sober. I deserve so much more than this man is able to give me, and I want out, and I want out like NOW!!!! I just can't do it a minute longer, but unforunately, I know he's looking for an excuse to drink, and I know if I say this, it will be it. Like last year, his relapse was blamed on me accusing him of drinking - which he was! But of course, he says he drank after I accused him. See, this is so what I'm tired of. I actually woke up yesterday morning and today crying, which I have not done for a long, long time. How and why do I keep getting myself into this stupid situation???? I know life's what you make it, I am responsible for my own happiness, I work my program, but I'm having a set back right now. Can't seem to get a grip on how to handle it, all I know is I need out of it!!!!! I don't want to live in the same household and go thru the same crap as I did before (even if he is sober). I must admit, I have some kind of resentment toward him, and I'm praying hard not to, but I just don't like him. He's not good for me or my recovery, and I just don't want to do this anymore. Any esh would be helpful. I need you guys right now! Thanks.
Queenie - Hi. I feel your pain. My AH is still out of the house living in a halfway house. I can't imagine what it will be like if and when he comes home. I know I'm not ready yet. Sounds like you are not ready to have your AH home either! I know what you mean about it being so nice at home without them there. My AH and I have been separated for 3 months now and I love being at home doing my own thing with peace and serenity. I found some weed on my bathroom floor yesterday during a visit with my AH. He came over, we ran some errands, he worked on his scooter, he showered while I cooked a delicious dinner, we were watching a movie when I had to use the restroom and then I found the tiny bits of stuff on my bathroom floor. Confronted him, he lied, and I immediately told him to leave. It's a cruel cycle of deceit, lies, cover ups, blame, guilt, what the hell is good in all of that? He tells me he's not doing anything wrong.
This morning I'm glad I am alone. I don't want him back here - perhaps never. I know his disease is very powerful - too powerful for me to handle especially this early in my own recover from living with an A.
My esh for you? Try and keep the focus on yourself, attend an Al-Anon meeting, call some Al-Anon friends, know you are not the reason he drinks, and I've read somewhere on this site that he's going to do what he's going do to, regardless of what you do or say - something like that.
Take good care of yourself, pray, and know that whatever happens, you'll come out on top.
AJ, I know what you mean. I truly don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I don't believe he really wants recovery (he has a court date next week). I was telling my son last night that I think he's a liar, cheater, and I don't believe anything he says. I think AH is very good at trying to "smooth things over", I wouldn't put anything past him. And I don't want this in my life anymore. While he was gone (first had him removed from house, then he was very sick in the hospital, almost died, then rehab) I was able to just hang up if I didn't like what he was saying or didn't want to deal. I feel it's now back to his manipulation. I know he's gonna do what he wants to do, and if he wants to drink, I'm not the cause (Alanon says you can't make an alcoholic drink, you're not that powerful), but I'm just tired of the lies, games, manipulation. I feel like a prisoner in my own home, so uncomfortable. This disease is something I don't want to live with ever again, yet I feel so powerless! You keep being strong. You're gonna do great! Queenie
what a horrible feeling, know you are being set up 2 take the blame for the relapse- really can understand how slimy that feels.
But you can choose not to.
You know the truth. it does not matter what others think, you know the truth and EVERYONE in al anon all over the world knows the truth, too, so you are not alone!!
Who gives a rats butt who he blames for his relapse? There is no doubt that he has been told no one can MAKE him drink. It's his decision. Could he MAKE you drink? I would certainly say what you need to say without fear of him relapsing. If you want to go for a walk on the beach and spill your guts, suggest it. Most men (with the exception of my miracle hubby) don't have a sense of your emotional needs. The thought probably didn't cross his mind and he isn't psychic, ya know? Sometimes you just have to say what you need. If he says he's "only been home 24 hrs", I'd say "Ya, I know, and it's heading in the wrong direction. So let's straighten it out from the beginning". You can't control his reaction, just your own. Be honest, be kind and keep your side of the street clean. You're walking on eggs shells. I can hear the crunch from here.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
