The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I didn't think being back on this board as life has been pretty quiet and good but life never stops to bring surprises (good or bad).
I frequented a sober A (we were already friend from many years before) and after a year, we took the decision to stop it. It has been an hard decision as it was not based on sentiments but on doing the right thing for both of us. We suffered a lot but accepted the situation and remained best friends hearing each other every day, seing each other whenever we could (we live far apart)...
Everything has been fine until a couple of month ago! He went back to drinking after years of being sober. Since then, it seems he can not control his feelings, calling at all hours of the days and nights to tell me, he's missing me, he loves me, to dedicate me songs, sending me emails with poems, sending flowers at home...even manage to find him outside my house one morning (that's 7 hours of travel by car). wow... I have been keeping my head on my shoulder and my feet on the ground for as much as I can. Little by little though, I am losing it. I don't know what to do to stop him, comporting himself like that. He's hurting himself and myself, bringing back feelings that were best left alone.
We talked about it (I tell him that an A cannot be trusted, he answers In Vino Veritas), he says to understand that what he's doing is 'wrong', will be quiet for a few days then start once again.
He's my best friend and I want him to remain as such. I also know that it can not carry on like that. He's talking to go to rehab in settember (once summer is finished and the bar on the beach is closed) but until there (still if he do go), I will go crazy!!!
I like that line about the beach bar closing for the summer- that made me laugh- LOL! Sounds like detachment is the key here- if I were you, I would STOP all contact until he gets it together.
My best friend just checked herself back in- she relapsed for around 2-3 years now. I stopped taking her calls, etc. It was just too painful and a whole bunch of us pretty much axed her but you know what? It was the best thing for her. She went to another crowd and kept using and escalated and then checked herself in and got help.
Keep the focus on you. Attend meetings. You can still love your friend- I do. I pray for her all the time and know her HP is taking care of her. She needed to hit a bottom to get help and she did before she completely killed herself. This does not mean I do not love her, I do, she is a remarkable woman. But I cannot be involved with her relapsing life and excused myself from it time and time again. Just my ESH, hugs, J.
I know you are right about it Jean. I just can not manage to do it!
One, because I promised him I will always be there for him and over the last years, I have been is 'confident' everytime he needed it. It is the first time for me that I see him drinking so it is like discovering a new person. I was expected worse and if it was not for him insisting with his 'love declaration', I could watch him easily hitting the bottom and put back the piece together. At least that part I learned from Al Anon (he's been the one to advise me to come here)! At the end, it is not his drinking by itself that disturbs me. Time he's breathing, there is hope and I am happy. Even if it makes me sad to watch him not being able to think clearly and stop shaking before having drinking half a bottle of whiskey for breakfast. Anyway, that part is his problem.
Two, because we are partner in business. Although, he is not doing much these days (at best, I get him to work half a day in a week just to sort out the emergencies), we have to keep a minimum of contact.
When there is something I know I should do but I can't, I try to do what I CAN. So, set a boundary where you know you can keep it.
Let him, know, for example, that whenever he starts this 'love declaration', you will hang up, leave the room, etc. Then do it. If he isn't doing this, treat him as normal. He will either learn to abide by this, or will react in some way that makes the next decision easier for you.
The first time I really used this technique in a meaningful way was after my A sobered up. He was occasionally verbally abusive. I decided I just could not put up with it any more. I will never forget the first time I said to him "I love you , but I won't allow you to talk to me this way" and walked out the door. I'd never done that before - I had cried, fought back, pleaded with him to be nice to me... I had thought I had tried everything, but the one thing I had never tried was just not allowing it.
So, find a place where you know you CAN hold the line, no matter how small, and then do it. The strength and courage you get from doing that fuels your next step.
When there is something I know I should do but I can't, I try to do what I CAN. So, set a boundary where you know you can keep it.
This is exactly what I need to do. I will follow your advice!
I did hang up on him a few times more by anger then anything else, I think I can do it by choice.
I just read 'Take what you like and leave the rest'. I could apply it to him, being still there for him when necessary but not accepting certain things. Then as it goes, it goes! (it will help the fact that half the things he does, he does not remember after it)
Thanks for answering (you and Jean). Although this problem is not that all terrible, I was a bit down since a couple of days, knowing I had to do something about it but not knowing how! You took a weight away from my heart and I already feel better and stronger.
One thing I know for certain is that in a codependant way of thinking we "think" we are helping by "standing by them". Yes, it's honororable, faithful, loyal..kind of like a dog. But, what is really happening is that we are helping them slowly kill themselves by accepting what they do. Along with it, allowing it in our lives becomes toxic. This is our part in denial.
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Yeah, i used to believe that "standing by them" stuff too until I met a woman who explained to me that by doing this, she was LITERALLY killing her son, slowly, via enabling. I really understand this now and feel like I have much much greater respect for individuals- and in fact, for me it was kind of like a pride defect- that I was being so valiant and wonderful by really sticking by my A's...what a great friend I was! What a loyal and incredible woman I was! I was so tough and so strong! HA! it was all to feed my own ego because IN FACT: ITS NOT AT ALL HELPFUL TO THE A TO DO THIS, IT IS NOT IN THEIR BEST INTEREST TO DO THIS! what is best for them: TO HIT BOTTOM SO THAT THEY CAN GET professional HELP. plain and simple, to think otherwise contributes to the illusion of our own control and grandeur that we somehow can change them enuf, love them enuf, be there enuf- you keep "being there" and see how much serenity you have in your life one year from now...keep coming back- hugs, J.
I know what you mean. I was married to an active A for 10 years (always the same wheel turning).
With this friend though, I never had to 'stand by him' other then for normal friendship. Always knew him sober and in over 5 years, he would have called me only a couple of time when he was feeling like going back to hit the bar. In one way, he's been more the one to help me deal with the problem of alcoholism during my wedding and after my separation, opening my eyes on the real facts and starting to think for myself.
Now that he started drinking again, I let him do what he wants and keep away as much as I can from him.
I done as Lin said, called him to let him know that I care very much for him, that I will be there for him if he needs a 'serious' chat and when he will decide to sober up but I will not accept anymore that he brings me down with him in his mental trips. He said he understood and that he was sorry for 'hurting' me. We will see how it goes.
