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My AH and I have been separated for almost 3 months. He's been living at a 1/2way house for 2 weeks 2 days. We spent the afternoon/evening together today and things were going well...until I found a couple of small flakes of weed on my bathroom floor. I was immediately taken aback from that discovery. We were in the process of watching a movie when I used the bathroom and found what I found. I asked him about it and of course he lied (again!). I gave him one chance to tell the truth and he didn't do it. So I asked him to leave and he did - but not before saying that he's not drinking or smoking. Of course he can't explain how weed got on my bathroom floor.
Now my question is, what do I do about it? I made a decision 3 months ago to no longer tolerate his drinking or his smoking - hence, his moving out. When he left he said he would call me tomorrow. What nerve does he have thinking that I want to hear from him tomorrow?? Obviously he thinks I will actually take his call. I'm going to brush up on some Al-Anon tools tonight and help myself deal with this situation.
For some reason I thought my AH was doing well, especially after going through detox almost 3 weeks ago, living at a 1/2way house - and staying sober, so he says. Finding evidence of his disease is distressing to me. Knowing that he lied to me (again) is mind blowing. I need more time in Al-Anon before trying to spend time with him.
Any ESH from you all will be very much appreciated.
What were your reasons for making that decision three months ago? Are they still valid? If so, there's your answer - stick to what you have already decided is best for you.
If something has changed, and you are no longer sure that it was the right decision, then don't let him pressure you into anything until you have had time to figure out what you really want.
I asked my AH to leave 3 months ago because I was stepping off the crazy roller coaster of his lies. I can't stand the insanity of his drinking and smoking and acting like everything is fine. I made a decision not to put up with his Bull any longer. Apparently he is still - and always will be - an addict. I never thought you could become addicted to pot. I'm not sure why I thought that, but my thinking has become distorted. I'm trying to get things right in my world. It's difficult in the beginning - which is where I'm at. I've attend Al-Anon meetings for a little over 2 months now (and a short stint of about 6 months over a year ago). I've asked someone to be my sponsor and we should be meeting next week. I just won't put up with it any longer. I'm done with the lies and the disease. I"m ready to start working on myself. I guess I just felt bad that he is where he's at and probably should not feel that way at all. I'm having a hard time letting go. I've heard that as much as the alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, I am addicted to him. It's true.
My A lied all the time. One thing I learned is that if I asked anything what so ever about using I was going to get a lie. He could have a crack pipe in his mouth and smoke coming out of it and he would tell me he wasn't using.
I quit asking questions that I knew I would get a lie for an answer.
Strange thing was, once I did this he didn't lie. In other words, If he was going to use or was using or planning on using .....it was his thing.
If I got to the point i was going crazy with wonder, I usually got myself to a meeting. Keep coming back AJ. So glad you are here!
(((AJ))) On eirher page 72 or 74 of "Courage To Change" it compares A's to pigeons. If you are sitting on a park bench and pigeons are in the tree above, pigeons will do what they do best not because you are sitting on the bench but because they are pigeons. Alcoholics are no different they do what they do best, lie, blame us, munipulate, and countless other things to hide or cover for the disease they have no control over. Nothing we can do is going to change them yelling, screaming, begging, pleading, crying, pleading, hiding keys, letting air out of tires, or or pouring out the alcohol. Absolutely nothing.
I feel in your post that you felt a since of hope that your A had turned the corner on his addiction. I understand your disapointment. He sliped or repalsed, either way your dreams and hopes for the life you were planning is probably side tracked again. Life with an active A is roller coaster ride at best, and a train wreck at worst. We keep hoping, praying, and in some small way expecting our lives to be normal, not perfect, but just "somewhat normal". It is sad to say but we have a way of not expecting as much as a "normal" person, we can be happy with less. Lets just call that accepting a lower bar.
Unless your AH makes a major change and soon it seems you are going to be dealing with the same person who went to detox, and a halfway house. When he leaves the halfway house he could be a pigeon in a tree, you need to make sure you are not still sitting on the bench under that tree. Most of us have spent more time than we should sitting on that bench. Living with an active AW I know I have had my share of that pigeon stuff !!!!! RLC
