The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After 10 months of Al Anon and gaining the strength I needed to leave my AH and take my daughter with me I have come into the wonderful world of the judicial system.
When all I was hoping for is for him to get some help to stop drinking so he could have a healthy relationship with our daughter I got an AH with a high priced lawyer.
I don't have any physical proof. My neighbors know he drinks and have seen the PILE of empty beer cans in the trash but have never seen him drunk. The bartender won't say anything because my AH is a great customer. He always bought his beer and liquor with cash and never kept receipts.
All I have is my story. A long story of lonliness and sadness because until I found Al Anon I thought he drank because I didn't make life interesting enough for him to do otherwise. I didn't know what alcoholism was until I listened to stories like mine, read posts from people just like me, and came to accept that I was powerless over him and his drinking.
I go to court on Monday and hope that my truth will be enough.
do what you can to relax... the less stress and anxiety you have about going to court, the better off you will be... and the better off your daughter will be.
the judicial system is not perfect, and if you have expectations of things being "fair" you will be disappointed. what i have learned, is to not have expectations.
most states have a set formula for divorces. save your emotions for your al-anon meetings, where you can be emotionally "at ease" and safe.
from lessons learned and my want to control to see a good outcome, i would just like to tell you not to negotiate or compromise what is really important (your daughter).
myself and my friends that have been through divorces with alcoholics have certainly learned acceptance and surrender. our alcoholics will try to manipulate everyone and everything to try to get their way. it is up to you to ACCEPT that that may happen. it is also up to you to NOT REACT. the more you are detached and emotionally stable, the easier it is for other people (including the courts) to see the truth.
you may always take what you want, and leave the rest with love and hope, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I never went through this, so don't have any useful input to give you. I agree , though - the more calm and sensible you can be, the better it will look to the court.
I was in court Monday of this week. It is true that the legal system is far from fair. In attorneys you usually get what you pay for and even then, you may be small potatoes to them- I know I am to mine.
I have come to accept the fact that I have lost everything. We had no kids (thank god) but the house, all its contents, etc. I am walking away from. Because I was in a DV situation it somehow feels OK after going thru the initial shock of learning that I will come away with ZERO, nothing.
I can start from scratch. I will rebuild. I am looking at it as a God thing- I am exactly where I need to be.
I felt relieved that I can completely turn my back on him and never negotiate anything again with a dangerous insane person.
Many things in life are so unfair. My divorce and the legal system are no exceptions. This is just a fact that I have come to accept.
Going to court is scary- I know it was for me. My best thoughts and wishes are with you- Hugs, J.
This is why I am such a grateful member of Al Anon. No matter if I'm at a meeting or at home on my computer I always hear something I need to hear. I will continue to pray to my HP for strength and guidance.
It's a good thing that I have my f2f home meeting on Monday night after court so I will save the emotional part for that safe haven. :)
That sounds like a good plan, Kim. Here's a great big Al-Anon ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to take along with you.
Good Luck!!
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Maybe Canada is different, but I'm not quite following why you have to "prove" anything, aside from perhaps custody issues around the kids? If you are filing for divorce/separation, it is simply under the general title of "irreconcilable differences", and there is no need to prove anything....
If it is about custody issues, the courts are pretty wary of alcoholism, so they may quite openly grant you some temporary custody issues, while the "truth" takes some time to flush out...
Just my two cents... T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
