The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been with my girlfriend since May 2007. She drinks intermittently and has had about 8 episodes (they last 7-14 days during which she drinks non-stop) since we got together, the last one started on Monday and she is still in the thick of it now. I spoke to her this morning and she promised me faithfully that she would not go to the shop and she said that she was going to ring AA for help/advice. When I called her back 2 hours later she had been to the shop and bought more alcohol and was really drunk again. I lost the plot and screamed down the phone that I hated her, that I never want to see her again and that I wished she would rot in hell. I have not heard from her since and I am worried and guilty. Her opinion is that I should accept her the way she is. She says that I knew that she had a problem when we got together so I should just accept her for what she is. She says that if I finish with her she it will just make her worse. I am finding it very difficult. To be honest I just want to run as far away as I can from her and never come back. I am sick of the lies and feeling that this is all my fault. I am very shy and self-conscious so I would never go to a f2f meeting. Apologies for the length of this. It's my first ever post on any forum of any kind, so you can sort of see how desperate I am feeling! Anyone got any words of wisdom for me?
You did not CAUSE this You cannont CURE it You cannot CONTROL it
Trying to talk logically to someone in the throws of their addiction is like trying to nail jello to a tree, your just not going to get anywhere. You cannot make her stop drinking, however, you can learn to take care of yourself. It is ok to be shy and I have seen a lot of shy people come into our f2f meetings. You don't have to say anything, in fact it is suggest by a few old timers in the program that it is best if the newcomer sits and really listens to what is being said for the first few meetings. If you keep going back you will soon learn that you can take care of you and you cannot take care of her. You will also learn how to change your reactions to her actions and possibly in the process she will change as well.
As for the guilt trip...don't let her put you there. If an alcoholic is going to drink they are going to drink regardless of what we do and they are all great at blaming someone or something else for their plot in life.
I highly recommend the daily readers of Al-Anon; One Day At A time or Courage to Change are both great. They both have indexes in the back where you can search for reading that apply to the feelings you are dealing with or having that particular day.
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
She's going to keep doing this until she gets sick and tired of being sick and tired, as they say, and gets herself some help. Nagging at her won't make her stop, so you might as well save your breath and energy.
What it comes down to is - this is who she is, and it is most likely not going to get better any time soon. It's up to you to decide if you get enough joy out of your life with her that you can stand to live with this or not. Probably, caught up in the day to day chaos of life with an alcoholic, you have no idea of the answer to that question. That is one of the things alanon is for - helping you to step back, take a deep breath, and get a little clarity.
Welcome - you are in the right place. Read some of our literature, read old posts here, join in chat, and when you are ready, you might want to give f2f a try after all. Not everything you will hear here will apply to your life, but lots will, I promise.
I completely understand your frustration and anger. Do you REALLY want to rid yourself of contact with her? If you do, do it without guilt. It is NOT your fault. Alcoholics have to have someone to blame for their situation. You fit the bill...for now. No one here will chastise you for putting yourself first. You cannot make her stop, and she will not do so until she has reached the bottom of her barrel, and perhaps even not then. I cannot advise you; I can only tell you that I would pull myself out from under this mantle and be on with my life.
Best wishes,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
My afb went from being a 30pack a day drinker to binge drinking. I, too, knew he had a problem, but went headfirst into the relationship. Its been six yrs for us now and he is just now starting to do something about his problem. Everyone here is right when they say you cant control it, and surely you did not cause it. I have found that life is much easier to live once I TRULY realized those things. Your first responsibility is to yourself. Keep reading, keep posting, keep coming back. There is such a wealth of support and information here. I know how much this has meant for me, and how much strength I have gained just by coming here.....Take care of YOU first, every thing else will eventually fall where it was meant to fall. seeking peace, jeannie
__________________
if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Thank you for your support. I am trying really hard to do what's best for me but it's not easy, as you will all know. Yesterday she was bombarding me with messages of love and pleading with me to forgive her and give her another chance. Today I'm getting the silent treatment. I just hope that I can find the inner strength to take the path which is good for me. The fact that others in the same shoes are out there is a comfort.
