I'm new here and need some guidance.... - Al-Anon Family Group

suzim · Member

I'm new here and need some guidance....

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Suz.

I can feel the confusion and sadness in your post. I very much relate to your position.

Sadly him getting more methadone from someone else shows he is not serious about using this drug as maintenance, he is using it to get down. Same type using,different drug.

Methadone is a very strong drug and horribly hard to quit.

Anyway in alanon we learn to focus on our own life, our own needs and wants. It sounds like you have answered your own question.

Addicts are perfect users of other people. I know from my own experience the worst thing we can do is babysit them. If we do this, my experience is they suck us dry.

We cannot tell you what to do. Here with people responding to you, it helps you to problem solve to get your own answer.

I invite you to ask yourself what you are getting out of this type relationship?

This is where we suggest to each other to put him in your HP's hands. We have no control over the addict anyway.

How would you be if you put all your caretaking into taking care of you?

Sadly going from what you have shared, this is not a person you would want to have kids with.

I hope you keep coming back and sharing.

hugs,debilyn

suzim · Member

Thank you for your words Debilyn. I really appreciate them.
Tonight has been bad....2 weeks ago we talked about starting over. I would give him a week to do his "extra stuff" then he would get back on track. Well tonight I found out he had posted an add "looking for stuff". When I asked him about it...he got angry. Of course. Basically tonight it has come to....I don't care about him and I don't really love him. I told him tonight that if things stay as they are this moment, I could not see a future for us. It hurts me so much to say this to him. I love him dearly. How could he forget the things ive done for him. The night I hid all of his keys so he couldnt drive to his dealer...he was so messed up he would have surely killed himself and possible someone else. I watched him stand hunched over in the middle of the room for like an hour. How can he forget that night...I saved his life! How can he forget the times I drove him home from work...leaving my car at his office...so I could be sure he didnt fall asleep at the wheel. I made sure he ate, I made sure he had clean clothes. I made sure he took a shower. Why doesnt he remember the nights I held him as he cried cause he was hurting. All the forgiveness I gave him. How can he forget? How can he say I don't care or love him. I often wonder in this day and age...how many women would have done what I have done for him? Sometime I think Im a huge fool. I know my mother would be so disappointed in me if she knew 1/4 of what is going on. I feel so terrible. The problem is I do care for him, i do love him deeply. That is why I have had such a hard time ending this relationship. He just sees it as me using him (for what I have no idea). He told me tonight that I have been emotionally abusive to him. The reason he says this is because when things are good between us I am with him, but when we fight I go to my room. I know its not good. However, i am not a fighter and this is my way of regrouping. He says I only give him crumbs....he loves me totally and gives me all. So I guess he thinks I am abusive? I think over the past 2 years my retreat has been conditioned...I never used to be this way. I just want to run!
I was reading something another had posted on here....am I staying for his "potential person"? I think this is true. He is exceptionally smart, and very sensitive, we have great conversations and good laughs. But there is this side that I can't get around...it's there everyday. I am just here for his potential as a mate. And that sucks!

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((suzim))) Hugs and Welcome, We like to say you have found the right place. You ask am I selfish? Am I wrong to want what I want? How much is too much? You need answers to these questions and more. You will find out no one here or in Al-Anon will ever tell you what to do or how to handle a problem that you are experiencing. What you will get will be ESH, our experience, strength, and hope. You will find out by reading other posts on this site you are not alone.

You will find tools to use that will make your life better. Tools such as a healthy way to detach, putting yourself first, taking it one day at a time, acceptance that you are dealing with a disease, and many more.

We practice the same 12 steps as AA. See if Step 1 comes close to defining where your life is at the moment. "I admitted I am powerless over alcohol (drugs) and that my life had become unmanageable". When I walked into my first f2f Al-Anon meeting I knew my life had become unmanageable, and I had tried everything known to man to get my AW sober. Nothing works, nothing I tried, nothing you have or will try, nothing anyone has ever tried or ever will try will make the alocholic (adict) stop. Only they can make the decision to get help an in their own time. Some eventually seek help on their own, some have to bottom out to realize their disease is killing them, some do neither and die. That sounds blunt but alcololism is a progressive disease that destroys anything and everything in its path.

Since you did not cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it what are you to do? The first step is to start taking care of yourself. That sounds selfish to a caretaker does'nt it, but it is not. I know I used to be one.

Start being a caretaker for YOU!! Detach by allowing him the diginity to make his own mistakes. His life. His choices. You are the only person you can control. My suggestion is to read as many prior post on any topic that you are dealing with by going to the top of the page and typing into search. There are two meeting on this web site that you can go to daily. But in most cases nothing can replace f2f Al-Anon meeting. Check for a meeting in you area. They are easy to find in your phone book. You will get free lituature at the meeting, and meet some wonderful people who are having or have had the same issues you are presently dealing with. They will share there ESP just as members here at MIP will.

Glad you are here, keep coming back and posting. Soak up as much information as you can, read all you can on the subject, and run don't walk to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as you can. (((HUGS AGAIN))) RLC

-- Edited by RLC at 02:43, 2008-08-09

-- Edited by RLC at 14:20, 2008-08-09

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry, suzim I just read you 2nd post and I can relate to so many things you just said. What you have to understand is he is smart,sensitive, and a very good person. But when you are dealing with the "disease" and not "him" then the table is turned. That is the sad, cruel reality of this horrible disease. Keep reading, keep posting, don't forget the meeting and you will be surprised, your life will get better, not overnight but I promise it will get better. Al-Anon works if you work it. (((HUGS)) RLC

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((Suzim))))))))))))))) <---welcome hugs,

I came to Alanon many many years ago searching for some quick answers to my problems, and I found them though they didn't come quickly. I went to meetings and began to learn all over again how to take care of myself, how to love myself enough to know that I am worth good relationships from everyone in my life (be they male or female).

For me (and everyone is different), I prefer not having anyone who's an active addict. Instead my life is full of peace, serenity, joy and happiness unlike my days of living with A's in my family.

It's a central theme that many of us are "caretakers." We learned this at an early age. It is, however, ok to take care of ourselves. It's not selfish to put ourselves first.

There is a lot of collective experience, strength and hope on this board. Read away as much as you can. You will learn that there is hope and that taking care of you and having dreams is not only ok, it's very important and a priority in your life.

If love could cure addiction, there'd be none. Unfortunately it's just not so.

yours in recovery,
Maria

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

So much of what you are describing is the way addiction works. Heartbreaking to watch in someone you love, but predictable as a disease.

Can't tell you what to do (I don't know what's best for you), but can tell you that unless he makes a concerted effort at recovery, from his own motives, things will get worse. This does not just go away, and it does not get better, except for short periods, in limited ways. All of us here at alanon have had to learn, mostly the hard way, that love does not in fact conquer all.

There is nothing wrong or selfish in you wanting a good life for yourself. Sacrificing yourself will not save him - it's not your place to save or not save him - that is between himself and his higher power. I urge you to get to some alanon meetings and read some of our literature - it will help you get some clarity so you can make the decisions that are right for YOU.

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

I call it "living on potential" vs. "living on reality".

In and of itself, its not a bad thing, I have found, when it comes to careers, making friends, etc. But it is absolutely deadly in personal intimate relationships, for me. I am a great teacher/educator and its because I can see the potential in a kid, even a messed up one and work with them to guide them to some successes so that they can believe in themselves more and more. This is how I use this "living on potential" skill.

When I find myself spending a lot of time thinking about the future, I am in big trouble. This includes thinking about future relationships, how they will become, etc. Very toxic for me.

When I find myself in the here and now and feeling good about myself and the people I choose to be around, I am doing really well. My sweet spot is staying right here and being happy with it. If I am not happy with it, its my choice to do what is within my power to change it into something better. usually that means I need to take a look at my attitude and my motives and my feelings and my behaviors.

We are so worthy of goodness and sanity and balanced, healthy relations with others. I know I learned to respect myself in al-anon and I am thankful every day for this gift. Hugs, J.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know if I should end this relationship for good or stay and be resigned to living with an addict for the rest of my life, to me this means no children.

Which sounds best to you? Are you willing to give up on your dreams?

Guilt is also a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes - whether justified or not - that he or she has violated a moral standard and is responsible for that violation.

You are not responsible for his violation, only yours. You appointed yourself the job of caretaker and can quit that job if you so choose.

My husband has a saying "you are only where you want to be". I used to hate it when he said that to me. I certainly didn't WANT to be where I was. Now, I'm not and admittedly he was right. I discovered I had choices and that life didn't call the shots. I did!!! I wasn't just a puppet along for the ride. I could cut my own path.

Christy

-- Edited by Christy at 14:12, 2008-08-10

suzim · Member

I wanted to thank you all for your responses. Your words mean a lot to me. I have gained strength and a lot of insight. I spoke with my bf today. We both love each other very much and both of us agree that being apart seems so unreal and not the road we want to travel. I told him that his problem was his to deal with. I told him I would not longer be his "care taker". I want to be his gf, lover and friend...period. I also told him that I choose not to be with him when he decided to get high....so if he chooses this he is on his own. He balked at this saying that I was abandoning him...I told him that I wasn't, but I was choosing not to be a part of his high time. he finally understood this. He also told me it was not his intention to get high. (we will see about this) At the end of the day...it is his life. I am responsible for my happiness. I will be happy with my choices and now he understands that I will not be a part of his messed up times. We also discussed him talking to me when he was feeling weak. He told me he didnt come to me before because he wanted to protect me from it all. I told him that when he did that it was being dishonest. He finally gets that. So hopefully he will continue to reduce his methadone at a pace that doesnt give him the withdrawls and is comfortable to him and I hope he suceeds. I explained to him my reluctance to have children with an addict, he finally unstands this and how it is important to me. So that is still something that we will have to work toward. I do know that it doesnt matter if he gets off the methadone, he will always be an addict and there is always a possibility of a backslide. I will give this one to God. There is nothing I can do about the future, I can only take care of today.
Meanwhile, I plan to make the best of what life has to offer me and hopefully he will come along and learn to choose happiness over drug suppressed anxiety.
Thank you all again for your help. I plan to continue posting here and hopefully I will learn more and who knows maybe I can help someone else someday.
*hugs for all you caring and words*

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.