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I've been in a relationship with an alchohlic for over 3 years now. Of course when we were only dating I did not know that drinking was a daily habit of his, it wasn't until several months into our relationahip that this became evedent. He knows he is an alchoholic but he is a self proclamed "functioning alchohlic" and see's nothing wrong with having a "few" beers after work, which is really more like a 12 pack give or take. He has acheived many things since us being together, with my help. Gaining sole custody of his kids, going back to school, getting a really good job, etc. And we have had a child of our own.
However it is becoming a HUGE problem it's beceoming more and more out of control, with each day, he flies off the handle for the smallest of things, starts the name calling, etc. There is nothing I can do, I can't walk away he follows me, I can't stand up for myself because that only escalates things, I can't just ignore it because then I'm being a etc. I try to remind myself that it's the beer talking but that's no long a valid excuse. We can't plan a family outing, go shopping, or anything because it will cut into his drinking time, that of course isn't the reason he gives but its very obvious.
This isn't healthy for me or the kids, when they see him ranting and raving and yelling all of the time. How can I protect ourselves from this when he is not ready, or willing to get help for his problem.
Welcome to the Board, so glad you reached out, you've taken the first step. There are a lot of things you can do. First is getting informed about the disease. See if you can't find a local meeting in your area and pick up a beginner's packet of pamphlets to study and read. I have some that I have photo copied and have snail mailed out to ppl here (Private message me if you would like me to do this for you).
You don't say how old your kids are but there are alateen and even ala-tot in some areas to help the kids get informed and talking about the issue as well.
I was married to an addict and he too would follow me from room to room, screaming at me about how everyhting was my fault. He never argued effectively, just going into a tirade and name calling. It made me withdraw in every way. I did not stay married to him. However it is possible to lead a happy and content life with an active A. There are ppl here at the Board and in chat that are doing so quite successfully. It all depends on what you want for your life and the lives of your children.
Know that all A's blame other's for their problems, that makes it easier for them to use and be abusive to us. Know also the 3 C's of alanon... You didn't cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. I like to spin it around for myself and say: I can control myself, I can change myself therefore I can cure myself.
Read the Board and consider coming into the chat room, we have two meetings in there, everyday as well. This site is a fantastic resource, so glad you reached out! No one deserves to be abused or stuck in a emotional warfare. I grew up acoa (adult child of alcoholic/addict) and that is what it feels like.
I hope you stick around and keep posting! a friend in recovery, -kitty
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Welcome. Sounds like you need to be here. Get everything you can lay your hands on about codependence. Read all the al anon literature you can lay your hands on too. Go to the chat room, get to as many meetings as you can too. And read everything you can on this message board and reply to every single thing that interests you or even affects you. In time the program will start to work for you and you will see a glimmer of sanity. Maresie.
I am afraid it would not be possible for me to lead a serene, "happy, and contented life" with an active A who spends his drinking time ranting, raving, screaming, and calling me names in front of my children. Because I would not want him to be the role model, I'd have to remove myself and my children from that situation...I am not saying you should; I am saying I would have to.
I am afraid I have no magic answers. I wish I did. I would surely offer them. But I am thinking of you, and hoping you find the happiness, respect, honor, and love you deserve.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Yeah, I had one who followed me around and yelled at me for hours and hours. To the point where I had to curl up on the floor and put my fingers in my ears (he was a big guy and would not allow me to leave the room). It escalated from verbal and psychological abuse to physical abuse in a matter of weeks. Please be careful.
My situation was a combo of alcoholism and mental illness, a really deadly and horrible combo that I could not live with so I literally ran away one night and never went back. I am going through a divorce now.
We wanted to have kids but I thank my lucky stars every single day we did not because I would NEVER want to bring a child into that horrible yelling and tension- please step back and think not only of yourself but of the kids- how destructive this is for all of you and again, please be very careful when dealing with such a volitile person- people with massive control issues like this are really dangerous.
etc. I try to remind myself that it's the beer talking but that's no long a valid excuse. We can't plan a family outing, go shopping, or anything because it will cut into his drinking time, that of course isn't the reason he gives but its very obvious. 