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Okay so I am new to this, and I'm currently in the "wow I'm stupid...i'm not really alone" phase. My story goes back a few years, to the beginning of my relationship with my husband. We've known each other for years, since we were kids almost, but hadn't talked since high school. When we started dating, he was facing 3 years in jail for his second DUI. He had just gotten out of jail after 17 days, because he couldn't find anyone to post bail for him. He was homeless, as a result, had no license, and worked 15 hours a week at minimum wage. Every time we were together, we were drinking. I was coming out of a bad relationship, so I was having my own problems anyway. He accepted me, and i accepted him.
He didn't go back to jail, but got put on house arrest. By this time, I knew he was an A, but didn't want to admit it to myself. He needed me, and I knew that. I felt like i needed him, since he got me through my hard times. we were living together now, and married, and with him being stuck at home all the time, the drinking increased.
i finally confronted him about it, and he promised to quit. within 2 weeks he was up to "just a 40 a day." as time went on, it became 2 40s, then a 6 pack. at this point, it became a financial situation, not to mention the drinking part. so over and over this happened, for 2 years. i would confront him, he would quit, then slowly start back up. i constantly bugged him about it, giving him ultimatus and threatening to throw him out. (of course i never did, because i didnt want him to be homeless, nor did i want to admit to the world that i had failed another marriage.)
during all of this, there were 2 times that got violent. we pretty much fought and argued constantly, but when he would drink liquor he would turn into the biggest **beeeeepp** youve ever met. full of himself, and of course bullet-proof, he would start treating me like crap. when i stood up for myself, it just escalated, and twice he attacked me. then i got pregnant.
he attacked me once when i was about 6 months pregnant with our daughter, and when he realized what he was doing he left the house. he told me that he couldnt do that to me and his kid, that i didnt deserve that, and he had to go. so he left. he came back 2 days later, apologizing and saying hes going to quit drinking.
fast forward to now, our daughter is 2, and he's drinking 6-12 beers a night (or more). When we go out to eat together, they have to serve beer or he wont go. i work evenings a lot, and hes alone with our little girl, and he'll have a couple beers then take her 20 mins away to a friends house. then have a couple more beers and i end up picking up the baby because he cant drive. (but then always ends up driving himself home anyway...remember the previous 2 DUIs? apparently, he thinks something has changed and now he cant get caught.)
I guess i'll add more later....this has gotten pretty long. sorry
Hi and welcome!! Sounds like you have been through a lot! Glad you found us.
In my experience from being here on MIP for many years, I always say the same thing.
How would you feel if you had a babysitter who was drinking then driving your child to where she or he drank so much they could not drive?
What difference it is that it is your AH? Ya see to me it is even worse to have your own spouse, your childs father being drunk and supposed to be responsible for your child.
A lot of the reason we leave our kids with a responsible person is there can easily be an emergency. Especially with a toddler.
Plus apparently this place he is taking her is not a responsible place either, or they would not to come there and use with his child.
Myself I am more concerned about your child than him getting another dui he deserves to get.
He has a disease. They don't think about consequenses. If they get caught, they usually cannot accept it was their fault.
We cannot control the A, but we can protect our children and ourselves.
Sadly he is a very sick man.
I hope you keep coming. Please feel free to post as much and often as you choose to. That is why MIP is here.
Well, the 'place' is actually our friends house, a married couple. the guy is also an A, but the girl doesn't touch alcohol. i love her to death, and she looks out for my daughter when she's there. generally ends up babysitting so the "boys" can go to the bar to "play pool."
she is really one of my rocks through all of this. as i said, her husband is also an a, but for some reason she doesnt seem to care. ive tried to talk to her about it before (as her relationship has been going through this for over a decade, no children involved) and see how she deals with it, and she just shrugged it off and said she doesnt really think about it.
i dont know. there was one night that we were at their house (the baby was at grandma's house overnight) and me and my ah got into a HUGE fight. we had driven his car over there, and when i tried to get out of the situation and just leave and come home, he threatened to call the cops and report his car stolen. not really thinking at the time, i got scared, and got out. he started laughing at me (thats just how he gets) so i started walking home. its about 10 miles, im overweight and waaaay out of shape. but i made it 4 miles!! then one of my friends picked me up and drove me the rest of the way home. by the time i got there, my ah was already there (had gotten a ride himself) and decided to cause a big scene in the parking lot of our apartments at 5am. it was incredibly embarassing and humiliating and all i wanted was for him to leave. but he refused. would not go. would get in my face, screaming at the top of his lungs, telling me this is his house too, and he's not going anywhere. then pulls a guilt trip about me throwing it in his face that im the only name on the lease, but he helps pay the rent (and i pay his car payment, but that was still stolen!!)
anyway, im trying to not think about any of this right now, as im trying to wake up. my baby girl went to sleep around 930 last night, so i was expecting her to sleep in and i stayed up until about 1. yea, she woke up at 630. ahh!!
through all of this, i look at her, and i know it will turn out okay. one way or another, i will not let her grow up in a house with an af(?) like i did. granted, my dad was really not ever home, and he recovered when i was 7. i really dont remember him being an a, but ive heard the stories. im glad i dont remember him that way. i dont want my daughter to remember her dad the way he is right now either.
right now im ready to leave him, im just so tired of everything. but ive already done that once and he made my life a living hell. harassing me and my family, getting numbers out of my cell phone and giving them out to all of his little "friends" to prank call and so on. threatening to hurt, harass, and so on everyone he knew i talked to, male or female. it was hell. he refused to watch our daughter or pay child support. said he didnt want me spending his money to go out with another guy. never really cared about spending time with her, just wanted to hurt me in every way he could.
okay im done for now. im sure ill spill more later, as i do have a TON more to say. im ready to get all of this off of my chest and into the open. noone in the whole world knows all of it, just pieces, so no one can really be objective enough to give me advice. problem is, im afraid to tell anyone everything because im embarassed by the fact that it has gotten as bad as it has.
You truly are not alone, and you are not stupid. What you are is affected by the disease of alcoholism - how could you not be? - and those effects come out in ways we don't always recognize.
Alanon can help us recognize them, and learn healthier ways of being in the world and interacting with people. I encourage you to come back here often, and check out f2f (face to face) meetings in your area - there are links to various states' sites at al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm ; maybe your friend would go with you, that can make that first meeting a little less intimidating to walk into. You can also pick up a free newcomer packet there.
If you choose to, you do have legal recourse as well. Threats are a reason to call 911. Even if you choose not to divorce, there is such a thing as legal separation. The courts could REQUIRE him to pay child support - Sorry Charlie, that's an obligation, not a perk. And you're not obligated to make his car payment, either.
For now, just do one day at a time - one minute at a time if you need to. Maybe start by not fighting back when he picks a fight - just stay calm. It's hard, but it can be done. We say "you don't have to go to every fight you're invited to".
One of the best things about alanon is the way it helps to see that most choices are not either/or. In reality, we have a lot of options, and sometimes small changs make an enormous difference.
For me the wakeup was when I saw what our constant fighting was doing to our kids. I realized that, for me right then, what I felt about his drinking and staying out and everything else he was doing was not as important as the harm that the yelling was causing. So, I stopped yelling. Result, half as much ugly noise in the house. Once I started being honest and looking at my behaviour and not just his, I had to admit that I started a lot of the fights - oh, in response to something he had done, sure, but it was still me who started it. When I started feeling that "gonna bite his drunken head off when he staggers through the door" feeling, I started taking the kids to the park, or doing some yoga, or something else that took the focus off of him and onto myself. Sure, half the time he'd start something when he got home no matter what I did - but, the other half of the time, he didn't. So the house was more peaceful, which meant we started both being happier, which meant things got even more peaceful.... He didn't stop drinking or drugging for years after this, but we were OK - not great, but OK.
Things might work out differently for you - for some of us, getting involved with alanon means we get the strength to leave; for some, the alanon tools help us stay. Either way, small positive steps, and the chance to tell the truth about your life gotta help.
Gosh I can relate a lot. I had a long long long long term relationship with an A. Pretty much everything I had was tied up with him. Came here, got tons of tools, worked on myself and things changed, they really really changed for me.
I was just reading Pia Melody's newsletter and she suggests having no fight zones. Obviously the A you are with is not the most cooperative person in the world but that was like a bell for me. The number of times I fought with the a in the truck/car. I now see it is not wise to fight with certain people at certain times. It is generally not good to fight with an alcoholic when they are drinking.
Of course, like all of us, and believe me we can all very much relate to you, you are in a crisis and a lot of stuff. We all come here not wanting to be here. Then we start working on ourselves, learn how to detach from the A and things change. They generally don't change right away but they do change. We find ourselves less reactive. We start making choices.
I still have tons and tons and tons of stuff on my plate. I still feel overwhelmed. I still wonder how will I. These days I have a better life. I can't say it is a fairy tale. I struggle with finances, I struggle with a home, I struggle with time and I struggle with making friends. One thing I don't struggle with is this program. This place, this board here has been my rock, I can come here and get tons of feedback. I can get lots of ideas how I can move to another place. I can see other people doing it. I can be there with them. I am no longer alone. For me that is a great achievement. I have some peace these days that I didn't have before. I still have tons and tons of issues (am in therapy). Codependency is a huge issue for me but I am getting better. You are welcome here. Keep coming here, keep reading, keep looking at your codependency. Nothing is solved in a day.
One book I would highly recommend since a dear friend here sent it to me is "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drew. What a manuscript. What ideas there are in there about taking care of yourself. Toby has a hand on, total compassion and solid understanding of what it is to live with an active alcoholic. She also has tons of ideas how to get yourself out of harms way.
I can sooo relate to what you are saying. Back in the beginning of my relationship with my abf, I too felt that things werent THAT bad. He was helping me, I was helping him...turned into codependency for us, and now I am learning my way out of it. I am proud of the fact that you know enough to pick your daughter up and drive her yourself as opposed to letting him drive her. You are already making smart and good choices. If he gets caught drinking and driving again, you have made sure it will only be HIM who suffers those consequences. Your top priority is you and your daughters safety. I havent been here very long myself, but this group/board, has opened my eyes up to so many things, and has given me so much support and hope...keep coming back, you will learn so much here. Take care of yourself and your daughter! seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
OnlyMe, you may not be able to protect yourself from this man, but you MUST protect your child!!!!!!!!!!! To allow your husband to continue to chauffer your daughter around while he is drinking is asking for disaster as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow. Next time it might not be just DUI he is being charged with, but vehicular homicide as well!! You've got to take control of this, and keep your precious child safe. Once you do that, you can begin to work on the rest of it.
Diva
BTW, he can be ORDERED and MADE to pay child support.
-- Edited by Diva at 23:27, 2008-08-08
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You are right, you are not alone. A lot of us have been there, and many of us have found that THIS program has given us a new life, filled with joy and happiness. Sometimes, with our alcoholics, sometimes not.
that said, i want to mention a couple things
1. NO PERSON should ever be physically harmed, never. men/women that cannot control their anger, regardless if drunk or stoned, need to be held accountable for their actions. DV is no joke, and it leads to more. most states allow you to press charges up to 180 days; you are worth NEVER having to worry about being safe. you are not responsible for his anger, his actions, his reactions. call the police. that is how to keep your child from being abused, either now, or in the future...
2. without a program or psychological counseling, there is little hope of an alcoholic giving up his/her addiction. if you are confused if you should stay or go, i ask you this: "can you accept him how he is right now?" you need to answer that one honestly, then make a plan for what to do next.
3. if someone was drunk/drinking, and put my daughter in their car -- i would be the first one on the phone to the police, describing the vehicle and the route it was taking. anyone... i would turn in my mom if she did that. no compromise, ever, on the health of my children...
4. you are not stupid or a fool... you are involved with an addict. it made us all insane in our own ways. i had to swallow my pride, my ego, my righteousness -- to get better, to get healthy, to break the cycle. now, it is all about not letting my family be "affected" by any addict/alcoholic or that kind of behavior.
be easy on yourself, and keep your focus on your health and the health of your daughter
keep coming here and going to face to face al-anon meetings and i will guarantee that you will start feeling better and seeing things clearer.
(((much love and hope))) cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I was reading all of these posts today while i was at work, but i didnt have any time to reply. my daughter spent the day with my mom & stepdad, as well as my sister and her 3 kids who came in to visit from out of town. my a apparently drank all day, as he barely spoke to me, and when i got home (at 930p!!) he's passed out on the couch. i put the baby in bed, and tried to wake him up, since im home from work and it would be nice to see him. but no, he started yelling at me about whatever (couldnt really understand him...he mumbles A LOT!) so i just left him alone. i go into my kitchen (that i just cleaned yesterday...like DEEP cleaned) and there is hamburger grease all over my stove, down into the electric burners, all over the front of the stove and the floor, where it apparently splashed or spilled, all over my counter and in my sink. i cleaned up all of that, opened my freezer to get some ice, and there was an exploded beer in there that he apparently forgot about. and it was open when he put it in there, so theres slushie beer all over everything in my freezer. i cleaned all of that up too. plus the grease that was apparently all over his hands, because it was on the tv remote and the computer mouse.
mind you, ive been at work for 9 hours today. i spent about 6 hours yesterday cleaning our tiny apartment. what has he done recently? well, he took the trash to the dumpster yesterday...
so im about at my wits end. i dont know. as far as staying calm, ive been doing that for a few months now and it really does help. i just feel like even if he quit drinking tomorrow that i wont ever be able to forgive him for the things hes done to me (and our daughter) in the past. granted, hes never directly hurt our daughter (as in physically). but i know that he has done things that have affected her negatively and i hate it. i know im not perfect, and ill do things that hurt her too, but being her mother, and watching him destroy his family (but refuse to let us go) is destroying ME.
up until today, i had a 'drug' problem myself...i wouldnt really say "addicted" but i will admit i could be deemed a "pot head." it was my antidepressant. i had never even seen the stuff until we were together, but since his drinking kept escalating, so did my smoking. (okay, i have to put in this disclaimer, because im proud of myself for it. i NEVER smoked at work or when it was just me & my daughter, so on. only when baby was in bed (or at grandmas) or we were with someone who was staying sober that was willing to keep an eye on her if i needed them to. and no, she never saw me smoke either.)
anyway, after seeing that there are people and resources here that can help me out of my 'funk,' and after talking to a good friend at work, ive decided to quit smoking weed. (i can do this, darnit!!) mainly because i dont want him to have it to use against me, but also because i know i should. too much money, too lazy, too many snacks.
that aside, i can already tell in myself that im making progress, but i still havent decided what to do about him. i was going to try to talk to him tonight, to try to get him to get help, but obviously thats not going to happen. if he would get help, i know i could make us work. i love this man so much. but how can you be with someone you dont know if you can ever trust again?
