The material presented
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Well I took care of my car myself after him trying to give me guilttrips about it and waiting on him to do something about it. He has been in a bad mood for days now since he lost his job and has been taking it out on me. My car problem seemed to be just another reason for him to get upset.
I was not sure if I would make it to the shop but I knew I had to try because he wasn't going to do it for me. He called me after a while asking me if I made it into town. I told him I did and that I took care of it myself without his help. That made me feel good and made him upset, obviously because he got off the phone.
I think because I haven't needed him for anything else he thought I would be stuck until he fixed the car and thought he had some power over me. Old memories from back when he was active came back since he acted the same way again.
He even made a remark about alanon and about something else that I guess he thought would get me upset and I would react but I did not react. I said nothing.
I think he also does not like my new found confidence and the fact that I will speak up nowdays when I feel the need. I like myself better now and I am not going to let him take that away.
Hi Buick! I am glad that you made it to the shop okay. It suck that we can't rely on the As to be there if we need them. Luckily for my A, I can take care of myself, I always did before he was in my life and I am stuck having to NOW even though he is in my life. We have had countless arguements about "what if i needed you and you can't be there for me because of your drinking". Great Job for not REACTING! That is tough to do sometimes. You know what else???? THANK HP that HE is ALWAYS there for us! Sincerely, tonya
I'm proud of you for not reacting, and also for taking care of fixing your car.
My AH gets real upset when he realizes that I don't need him to take care of things for me. I am perfectly able to take care of it all myself. But that's his problem.
Congrats and Kudos to you!!
Love,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
You are growing. Isn't that grand. That leaves him with more time to take care of his own needs. He made a comment about Al-Anon? grrrrrrrr LOL Actually comments are things to detatch from. Good recovery girl.
Isn't it amazing the difference in yourself in a few weeks? I so remember feeling helpless and being helpless b/c I relied on other's to do things for me, always waiting. Taking action yourself gives us so much of our personal power back, even little things can make a tremendous difference in us and it must be clear to them as well.
I find it funny he had to make a dig on alanon when he suggested it to you in the first place. They often don't like the changes we go through, as in applying the program you can see how you can dis-entangle yourself from the enmeshment of emotional & circumstantial problems. We all get the opportunity to tend to our own 'stuff'. Sure, help is great sometimes but it isn't as rewarding as getting to be our own champions in our lives!
You rock! Keep working it!
love to you & yours, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thank you so much for all your responses. It felt so good to read them. I'm used to taking care of everything myself but I thought now that he's sober it would be different, especially with taking care of the car. But his old attitude just came back. The more I read and think about it I become more resentful for him not helping with anything. He should at least help with some of the things around the house, like taking out the trash or helping with the dishes, especially since he's not working now.
When he's home he does nothing but watch TV or sleep. I'm glad nowdays when he's not around and I don't even wonder anymore where he is or what he's doing. Well he doesn't go anywhere other than rehab and AA anymore. Guess his attitude will stay this way until he gets work again.
For a while we did talk some and watch TV together (since that's all he does when home) but now I don't even want to talk to him. There is a possibility that he has to go to jail if he can't pay his fine soon and he probably won't be able to. I will be fine if that happens. I do not feel bad for him at all. The other day when we talked about it and I asked him what he's going to do he said "give me the money". I said I didn't do it.
About the remark he made about alanon, I think he doesn't like the "new me" too much and just has to blame it on something. I know alanon is good for me. I also feel that the current situation is helping me get closer to the decision to go to a f2f. I guess setbacks are normal, and it does not mean that all the effort to get to this point was for nothing.
What I see as amazing is that I "catch myself" before I react now. I about gave him a call earlier after he left to tell him he "forgot to take the trash" which I put by the door. I actually did not expect him to take it off but put it there for me to take with me when I leave. He probably thought I did that to maybe "tell him to do it", I don't know. That's probably why he left it.
Well now I'm analyzing again, geez, at least I'm not doing it too often anymore. The point is, I did not call him.
Btw. I'm probably going on a hike with a friends hiking group tomorrow. I know if I think that we'll do something together I'll just end up sitting at home watching him watch TV.
I would not be at this point without you all. Thank you so much for being here.
Yeah, that's a big part of the program for me - to still think about doing things that don't work towards what you want, but to just not do them. Or to do something unhealthy for five minutes, not two days.
Good for you!! It is such a great feeling to know that we dont have to rely on anyone but ourselves. A good friend once told me that the worst thing you can do for someone else is to do something that they can do for themselves. I took that advice and ran with it. If there was something that I was counting on him to do, even if it was simply to take out the trash, and it didnt get done, I used to yell at him and ask why didnt he do it. Now, I just bag it up and take it out. Yeah, more work for me, but a lot less stressful, and far more empowering. My A isnt all that thrilled with my new strength and attitude lately and tells me that I am a different person from one minute to the next, but I am not, I am more consistent and stronger, hard for him to deal with, as he is not much stronger and completely inconsistent. Not my problem, and maybe someday he will figure it out for himself. As long as we respect ourselves, it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks. That, too, is something I have learned here. seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
