Feeling Blah - Al-Anon Family Group

HEARTBROKEN IN NJ · Senior Member

Feeling Blah

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, heartbroken, when I am confused, I do nothing. Then, I examine my motives. Why do I still want him in my life? Is it because I genuinely care for him just as he is, no matter what. Or is it that I want to stay close incase he turns into the man I KNOW he can be...and I do not want anyone else to have THAT man. Am I hanging on for me, my needs and wants or is it because he really adds something to my life that is missing without him?

So, what if you walked away? What if you live and let live? How would that make you feel? Would your life be more serene? And with him in it (knowing that you have NO idea how long he will stay sober for) will you be able to maintain your serenity?

I was scared to let go for many,many years. Why? Well, for many, many reasons.

No matter what just continue to do what is best for you and the rest will fall into place...

HEARTBROKEN IN NJ · Senior Member

I too am so scared to let go.

I am trying so hard. I guess I'm very confused. For so many months, while we were 'apart' I was fine. Actually I was really good. We'd talk once or twice a week just to see how one another was doing, we strengthened our friendship so much, just by talking. (I refused to actually hang out with him because that wouldnt have been the right thing to do to my current boyfriend)

My life right now is great, I am just confused right now and need to make the right decisions regarding him although it shouldnt be my responsibility to hold his hand. I had moved on with my life. Then disaster hits with him, and low and behold, I feel like I am one of the only people who knows him well enough that could possibly 'help' his situation. I guess in my heart I've held onto a little piece of him because I do still love him with all my heart and because when he was in my life, and he wasnt drinking or doing drugs, things were fabulous. When I say I love him, I am not in love with him, I just love him as a person/friend.

I think a big part of my confusion is because in a way I feel like if I let go 100% when he is obviously reaching out to me for help and support, and something happens, I'll have to live with that guilt. And although I know he is in control of his own destiny, I know the kind of person I am and I know I will feel guilty because I wasnt there for him. Its ridiculous, I know.

Several years back when I discovered that he had an addiction I should have backed away. I didnt though because we addressed it, he went to meetings, and stayed clean for almost 2 years. In my wildest dreams I never would have imagined how bad his addiction really was the years prior to the start of our relationship. He did drugs I had never even heard of. Guess I lived a sheltered life (which is FINE with me)

I guess only time will tell. Hopefully he recovers and hopefully I do also. These constant emotional roller coasters I've been on for these past several weeks have really taken their toll on me. I'm hoping and praying that everything falls into place.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm just going to throw in a few thoughts, and you can do with them as you like.

Is there any chance that his relationship with you is actually not helping him, at this stage in his recovery? You may be providing that last soft landing, that is keeping him from true acceptance of his powerlessness over his illness.

You refer to his entering rehab as a disaster. You might want to look at why you feel that way. Right now, he is safe, and in the very best place for him. If ever, this is the time to stop worrying about him, not worry more.

Generally, for me, obsessing, especially about things that are not really my business, is a sign that I am straying too far from my program. It's my illness coming back, and I need to fight it. Are you putting as much mental energy into those things and people that are closer to home - yourself, first of all, then your children and your boyfriend? Is there any chance that this focus on him is a way to avoid dealing with issues closer to home, that are too challenging?

Sometimes it's just necessary to use the alanon tools, to get through a hard time - turn off the phone, keep busy, give yourself small treats, do a lot of program reading, get to meetings. How much of this are you doing, and if you are avoiding it, why?

We usually get some payoff for what we do, even our sickest behaviour. When we figure out what it is that we are getting out of it, it's easier to find a healthier way to act.

HEARTBROKEN IN NJ · Senior Member

I dont see him entering rehab as the disaster. I see him drinking to the point that almost killed him (and God forbid someone else) as the disaster.

My relationship with him, is just friendship at this point. Honestly, I dont see how a friendship can interfere with his recovery, especially from the distance it is now. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows.

I do realize that he is safe in rehab and I am so thankful that he is there. I just wish he had chosen this on his own when times got tough for him again. This was mandated to him. It was either rehab or jail.

Maybe this episode in his life is none of my business. But, since we do share a friendship, I think if he is comfortable continuing our friendship, in a way it is my business. I do know he has to concentrate on his recovery. That is his #1 priority. But I guess I just feel that if I can lend something to his recovery, as his friend, I should. I'm not a counsellor, nor a therapist, but I am his friend and because of this I wont, and cant, just walk away if he is reaching out to me.

One of my other posts did mention that I asked him not to call me everyday. I am going to meetings, talking to people, and trying to stay at a distance that wont interfere with my own life. Sometimes its difficult though, even if that is the right thing to do.

Thankfully I dont have negative issues at home. As a matter of fact, there is nothing negative in regards to my life outside of him. I suppose the only negative thing is that once in a while, I do dwell on him too much.

thinkstoomuch · Senior Member

I think you answered your own question:

"once in a while, I do dwell on him too much. "

That energy that's going into dwelling on him is energy that isn't going into your own recovery, or into your relationship with the people who are in your life TODAY. That in itself can get you into a blah place.

When this has happened for me, it helps to talk about it, as you're doing - make it be not a secret. It also helps to have a limit on how much attention I give it, and then have a positive something else I can turn to when my time is up. "Oops, I've already spent half an hour on this today. Time to think about the last trip to the beach with today's bf." (Or a kid's bday party, or whatever you decided your something else would be.) I consciously make an effort to obsess about the positive thing in the same way I would obsess about the other thing - review every comment made by everybody, review the way the weather was and the clothes I and everybody were wearing, review the way somebody's face looked, review every positive comment again - it feels silly when I do it with the positive experience. Kind of telling, huh.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm going to give you something ourside of alanon to think about. This is a true story... the original head of Sony, the japanese company and man that became a multi-million dollar industry had talked about how he approached ALL of his business deals. He has said that whne he had a new opportunity for business, he would "digest" the idea. And he elaborated... He said he would contemplate the whole idea, go home and visualize that he was literally eating it. He would assimilate it and take it in to himself. He would then sleep on it and wake up in the morning and see how absorbing the project made him FEEL. If he got indesgestion or any kind of bad feeling, he wouldn't touch the prospect.

So this is what I am posing to you... you say you are physically sick over obsessing about him. Maybe for an entire day or even this whole weekend... purge your ex b/f A. Let go completely of the idea of being in his life at all, pretend you don't know him and see how it makes you feel.
Who knows, you may find you don't need this attachment, you may feel relieved and free. Or you may have some other equally astonishing realisation. It is simply an excersize, an experiement, try it and see what happens!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

It a in't over til it's over and this dosent sound to me like it's over . Are u being fair to your now boy friend by obsessing about another - are u being fair to the ex *supporting*his efforts forced or not does not usually mean obsession. I am suprised he is allowed to call anyone on a daily basis from a recovery house most do't allow contact as it deters themfrom thier goal . Are u giving him false hopes about your relationship , the way we care for the A is often detromental to thier efforts , we do provide a soft landing ,saving thier ass one more time keeps the disease going on both sides . Pink clouds are very common in recovery and yeah he sounds great he is in a protective enviorment no responsibilities whatso ever 3 square meals a day and as u said looks like a spa , don''t know about u but I could sure use a couple of months of that kind of recovery . let go and let God sounds like it just might work for both of you , I pay little attention to what people say I watch what they do . Louise

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Doesn't sound like a friendship to me.

I obsessed about the A when we split up. I still helped him. I still talked about him to his family and friends. I cared deeply. i had the idea he "needed" me. He didn't actually. He certainly didn't "care" about me at all. I 'm not sure he did ever really once the disease took hold.

What we as al anon's have to look at is the "disease" is powerful. The A has to want out. He has to want to take 100% responsibility for his life. Any less means the disease takes over. Only he can do that. In fact the more we help the less they take responsiblity.

Obviously his need for you is fueling something in you. It is indeed good to be needed but for me the "needed" part in a job, in a relationship has always been unhealthy. I give 1000% they give 1% I cherish the few scraps I get, then I resent them.

A's are very manipulative, standing up to their manipulation is through detachment. When we detach enough we get to the point of allowing the A the dignity of messing up all alone rather than accompanying them on the journey.

Many of us have been where you are, you are not alone. I just want to say this is by no means a "friendships". A's don't have friendships they have hostages.

Maresie.

stormie · Senior Member

HEARTBROKEN IN NJ wrote:

I'm not a counsellor, nor a therapist, but I am his friend and because of this I wont, and cant, just walk away if he is reaching out to me.

Perhaps my experience will help you. Perhaps not. You need to trust yourself to decide.

My AH was in a 30-day rehab a year ago this month. After awhile, he was able to use the phone each day for about 10 minutes. He'd call me (reaching out to me). I'd pick up the phone sometimes, not all the time (I have caller ID). I'd talk with him, thinking I was helping him.

In retrospect, I strongly believe that he needed to be reaching out to the counselors at the rehab facility, not me, for guidance in finding "his" higher power, etc.

In retrospect, I believe I was of little help in his recovery at that time because I was not healthy myself. He was calling me to seek assurance that we, as a married couple, still had a chance. I wanted to give him verbal reassurance at that time; however, I gave him an honest reply: "I don't know."

I can't say if your reaching out to your X is helping either one of you. That's not my place ~ not my business.

Just in one short year, I have learned so much and continue to do so, for I am a lifelong seeker of universal truth. One thing I finally understand is that we can't be of any help to anyone, until we help ourself first.

Another thing I learned, and this doesn't just apply to my AH, is that many times when I offer a helping hand to others, I'm doing so to alleviate my own negative emotions, whatever form they may be. Moreover, I'm not really helping the person; I'm actually enabling him or her to continue some unhealthy pattern of behavior; I'm contributing to their denial; I'm stunting their potential for growth.

Sometimes, there are situations in which we are truly helping others when we step aside and allow them to really experience, feel their deep, gut-wrenching pain. Sometimes, our "help" only helps them to mask their pain and stay in denial.

Sometimes, we actual do help others. It's not always easy to know. Gets really tricky. I know.

Make any sense? If not, let what I said go smile

Wishing and praying for your well-being. Gail

-- Edited by stormie at 13:28, 2008-08-08

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

The whole situation is making me physically ill.

you may not know what to do, but your body is trying to tell you. I would listen to it.
I can tell you, my experience when AH was in rehab, I needed to rest. I needed this time, where I knew he was safe, that I could relax and heal.

I hope you will do for YOU. Believe me the more he concentrates on his recovery the better.

hugs,debilyn

HEARTBROKEN IN NJ · Senior Member

The reason he can call is because he has limited phone priviledges. The other reason he calls is because his counsellors there tell him that its important for him to speak with people that he cares about,and that care about him.

I was out all day doing things for me, trying not to think about him. I left my cell phone home deliberately. I did ok with it. Tonight my boyfriend and I are going out and this weekend I have plans with my kids and my boyfriend.

I am going to try my hardest to detach myself from the situation for the weekend to see how I do. I think I'll be fine. We'll see though.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.