The material presented
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I had a car problem today. I called my Asober after I stopped the car and he started yelling at me. He told me to drive it home and he would take a look at it then. I was afraid to drive it home but did anyway. I got home and he started getting an attitude about having to look at my car.
After a while he took a look at it, then came back inside, got mad at me, yelled at me again, because I asked him a simple question and said he would not fix the car and for me to pay someone to fix it. I left him alone and tried to figure out another way to take care of it.
I did tell him that he has no right to yell at me for any reason.
After he came home from AA he went and took care of the car. Well I still don't know if it's fixed or if he has to finish in the morning. I never asked him about it and he never said another word to me about it. I decided not to say anything else at all to him tonight. That way I knew I would not react. Like the saying "if you are not sure what to do, don't do anything at all". I also live by "If you're not sure what to say, don't say anything at all". I guess maybe it's the same thing as reacting versus not reacting.
When I became angry earlier about all this I picked up my book and read about "anger". It completely calmed me down. I also read a post earlier that mentioned something about the A (even when sober) using a situation where he can control the other person. I guess he was able to control me regarding the car. If he had not fixed it (and this is the only thing I sort've depend on him) then I would have been stuck, or at least until I would have the money to pay someone.
After I thought about all of this, I remembered this was the same thing he used to always do when he was active and something happened to my car. He would yell at me about it, take a look at the problem, then tell me he would not fix it, go drink more, or go out and drink, and then usually fix it late at night or the next morning.
The only difference was that today, for the first time he was not drinking while working on the car. I guess old behaviours are hard to break. Well he must have at least thought about his being so upset since he took care of it after he got home from AA.
The only difference was that today, for the first time he was not drinking while working on the car.
Hi, this line told me a lot. All he is doing is not drinking. So he will have every other behavior he always has had. He has not looked at himself and decided goals etc in his own recovery.
However that is none of our business. Totally up to them.
What I did was take care of everything myself. Learned to do so many things on my own, including car stuff. I realized being married to an A I had to make sure I had enough income and my own car in my name. House is in my name too.
They will get worse the longer they use. Since almost all relapse, I felt it best to make myself secure. And also to face I may have to support him also.
Have you gone to Alanon meetings where you live? It may be a wonderful outlet for you. It helps so much to hear others and how they deal with the same kinds of issues. We have meetings here online in the chat room.
You may want to get some alanon literature to help you to see how important it is to think of you,take care of you.
Addicts are not like non addicts so there is no use to try to rationalize their behavior. There is no way we can relate to how they think.
thank you for your post. There are days when he shows the exact same behaviors he had when he was active, and there are days when he does not. His old behaviors seem to show well when he's stressed out about something, when he does not know how to handle situations. It does not look like he is working his program. Maybe it will sink in at some point. He is very stubborn and does not like anyone to tell him what to do and how to do things. This is probably the case with most As.
I am not interfering with his recovery and am concentrating on mine and it is working well for me. I think it bothers him that I'm not the same person I used to be.
I always have taken care of everything myself. I would have prefered it if he had taken the car to the shop because I was afraid to be stranded with my child or worse to wreck the car. My muffler was 2 inches off the ground and I didn't know if the whole thing might come off while driving. I figured if that happened to him he would know what to do.
I do have income and am stuck having to pay all the bills again since he's out of work (have had to do it before). I will manage. My car is in my name.
He has been sober for just over 4 months now, still going to rehab and AA but I do know there is the possibility of relapse. He will not be able to stay here if he drinks again. Either way I will be fine.
I have not been to a f2f yet. I'm still working on getting myself to that point. I have attended online meetings and I use chat in between at times. I have read some alanon literature which has helped a lot. I plan on buying another book soon. There have been times when I was upset about something and I would take one of the books and start reading in it. It always calms me down.
Like you said, we can not rationalize insanity. I have tried to do that for years and it did not work.
