The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After 5 years with an active A destroying our lives I became very depressed. Fast forward another two years of learning the concepts of al anon and starting to put them in place I find I am less depressed. The problem for me is that I now find myself very annoyed with those who are. I don't let it out but I have such a horror now over how I could not take care of myself and how I became paralyzed with fear and resentment.
I feel unconsciously like depression is contagious. Of course I know it isn't. I just find I don't have that much "space" at the moment around those who are depressed and "stuck". I have a room mate who is (she's been locked in her room for days now - before I would have been frantic with worry - now I'm not but I'm pretty annoyed about it). I say none of this to those people. In fact I go out of my way to be kind and considerate. I know I was devastated when people showed the same reaction to me when I was depressed.
I know certainly consciously that depression is not contagious. I'm just acutely aware that the entire 7 years I was with the A I didn't take care of myself. I don't think I want to grieve it or can grieve it (It feels so big) so I just over react to other people. What a great cue for the underlying cause for much of my over reaction!
think about the past and then think about not being enmeshed emotionally. You are your own unit, your inner boundaries are there for you, to protect you. This is a great experience to learn how to get them in place very clearly. You can be happy as a clam. Enjoy the fact that you are no longer a sponge for negative and downer feelings - i know i used to get down around neg ppl, esp when i was new in turning it around. But this builds up the resistence & offers so much awareness. Ppl around you can be freaking out and you can be fine, happy, safe, not automatically going out energetically. I know you are already feeling this some but a quantum leap towards freedom is there.
The contrasts can be so defining and liberating. Let go of being annoyed and keep your side of the street clean. Know you are doing/living the best for you right now. In my heart, I believe it will continue to get better! You can also just know you don't have to go there again ~ or so I told myself that, reading your post. I was so depressed (as u already know) I spent virtually a year out of two in bed crying w/ depression.
And isolating in the bedroom for days, sounds like that sort of a bad and all too recently familiar trip for me. MYOB and be happy and when I'm bored I think, 'well I could be w/ the A and he'd be yelling at me and blaming me for everything right now.'
I am grateful I don't feel stuck right now, be aware of it and keep it from you. Love, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
