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My soon to be ex-AH is in intensive recovery, and has been for 9 months. He goes to 5 AA meetings a week, 2 professional groups, a relapse recovery program and personal counseling. I have done a really good job with detachment in regards to his recovery, but I know it is more a matter of my being forced out and knowing it is being "handled" by professionals, than my own self-will. I must admit though, that throughout this time I have often wondered what he has really been telling those professionals, for with so much help I would think he would make more rational and healthy choices.
That said, over the past week he has been attempting to fill me in on his recovery by talking to me and sending me program-filled texts. This morning I forgot my son's lunch for daycare. My AH went to the house to pick up the older kids. When I was on my way back to the house to get the lunch, I got a text from him stating he would take the lunch to daycare, and "to have a great day, no matter what!" ??? Then, when I got to the house, he followed me in and then hugged me and said he was just trying to be a "helpful friend".
He caught me off-guard and I kind of reciprocated the hug, but I did not smell him so I know I must not have been too close. Or, maybe I was just holding my breath? I wanted to tell him that a friend would never in a million years do what he did to me, and to stuff it. Why doesn't he just call himself a parent or just a person? An ex-husband would work too. A friend? What is that about?
When I see him I am cordial, but I make no great attempts to be really friendly or engage him in conversation. So, I know I can't analyze why, but I am trying to figure out what my part is supposed to be. I really don't answer his texts. I hugged him because he caught me off-guard. When we were talking the other night I actually enjoyed the company, but didn't ask many questions and kept myself very matter-of-fact and somewhat removed.
I don't know if he just feels guilty, is finally becoming rational, attempting to get rid of his resentments for me, or is going through his fourth step. It doesn't matter except, what is my responsibility in being available to make it all good for him? I don't want to hug him and I don't want him to tell me to have a great day. It's nice that he sends me photos of the kids during the day, but then again, I am fine regardless. When he contacts me, it just sticks in my mind, and makes me obsess a bit. Ok, I make me obsess a bit. I am thinking I just need to get over it, and take it all for what it is (nothing) and be grateful, because it sure is better than the anger and callousness, but the unpredicatablility of the roller coaster is making me nauseous.
Any E, S or H?
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou, you know. You answered your own question there at the end.
He has a disease and is one diseased puppy. He always will be. My soon to be x AH literally ran up to me in court the other day and tried to hug me. So totally inappropriate as he was my abuser. I was sitting in a chair and could not get away from him. Previous to this, he hated on me, blamed me, yelled at me, refused to hold my hand, etc. for 2 solid years including hours spent in couples counseling, etc. For him to suddenly "want to be my friend and be nice" was so incredibly bizarre. No way man!!!
They have TERRIBLE boundaries. They do not know what to do. They are really messed up. They are not going to make a bit of sense.
If I were you, I would ignore it all. I know this is difficult. Sounds like you are doing a great job of detaching, though. Hugs, J.
Whenever my ex was in early sobriety, he would use the program to try to manipulate me into doing what he wanted me to do, how he wanted me (our relationship) to be. He used all the key phrases, used all the steps, etc.
I like what Jean said. He could be doing a fully inpatient,24 hours a day, no outside contact and he would still find a way to manipulate and control. When an A feels like they are losing control, losing their dream, they start with whatever will make them feel like they still have control. I found this is the truest during early sobriety (which can last for years depending on the A's degree of surrender within their own heart and mind).
When my ex went to rehab the first time, he was dropped off by the couple he was living with (and sleeping with) and the wife gave him a huge passionate kiss right in front of everyone. She sent him pictures of herself while he was in there. And my ex decided that they were no good for him and he really loved his family and wanted me. He came to this decision with the help of the counselors in the rehab. I believe they probably counseled him to cut contact with the wackos and focus on himself. But my ex has never, ever, for one day, taken care of himself. So, he turned right back to me.
I wonder if your ex is at a point in his recovery where his counselors are encouraging him to lead an honest and healthy life and that would mean getting rid of his GF and he is scared so he is laying the ground work with you. Remember A's are selfish people by nature of the disease. What he is doing and saying to you are inappropriate at this stage in your divorce, confusing, and painful. But does he see it that way? No. He only sees what he wants. When he hugs you, sends you "nice" texts, it isn't to make you feel better, it isn't about making amends, it is about control and manipulations.
No contact is the only thing that worked for me to escape his control and relieve myself of the brain fog that being around him induced. I know you can't do that because of the kids. But you can do it to an extent if you want to. If you want to be done with the drama, you simply have to tell him that you will NOT communicate with him anymore except in regards to the kids pick up/drop off times. I know that sounds dramatic, but sometimes it is the only way to take care of ourselves and rebuild our lives. And if he doesn't respect THAT boundry well, there's your answer to the question of how well is he.
You're doing a great job with a totally crappola situation. I am still shooting for your level of maturity......Good luck!!!!!
A personal inventory for me revealed that I was super-sensitive, fearful, doubful and confused and that is why I reacted the crazy ways or any way for that matter during the change period. I didn't know the rules about what was okay and not okay. Was I supposed to accept her for just exactly who she was (recovery principal) or as the ex-alcoholic spouse witch etc etc when the disease was running and I was running along (resentment and oh she's so diseased principal). I had the ability and opportunity to feel it all and act it all while doing the best I could with what I had. Do your best is the principal. You can set up the rules before hand or after as to how you want to relate to him and that of course means letting him in on the decision. If you do it before hand then the surprises become more limited. If you do it after the fact then the reaction to boundary and respect trashing make it more work and toxic. You let him talk and your listen. Ask him if he is willing to listen to you.
