I agree - the place to find people who grew up in alcoholic homes, and who can give you some insight about how to handle this, is at alanon and ACOH (adult children of alcoholics) meetings.  The alanon book "From Survival to Revcovery"  might be useful to you - it's written from the perspective of those who grew up with alcoholism.  I'll let you in on a secret, though - every one of us here has hated the alcoholic in our lives, at least sometimes, at least a little bit.  They are not easy people to love.

In your case, right now, I'd try to find ways to keep it simple.  When you go to see her, don't expect much.  Make sure you have a "Plan B" - a way to get away from things if they get too overwhelming.  Stay at a motel, not at the home of anyone toxic, for example.  Remember that you do not have to react to everything people throw at you - you can just say "You may be right" and let the subject drop.  If you feel able to set some boundaries about things you will not accept, that might make things more manageble.  Just walking away from people who are abusive, for example.  You can leave the room, leave the house.

I wouldn't put too much energy into worrying about pushing her back over the edge. You can't make her drink if she is truly committed to sobriety, and you can't keep her sober if she isn't.  This early in sobriety probably isn't really the time to tell her in graphic detail what you really think of her, but you don't have to walk on eggshells, either.

One thing that might help you deal with your anger and hate is to remember that she's sick, not bad. The end result might have been the same - the things she did and didn't do to and for you - but although she may have chosen specific actions, she did not choose to have this disease.  You still have every right to protect yourself from her - recognizing that she has a disease does not mean that you have to allow her to continue to abuse you.

Welcome, you are in the right place.

Wow, I can really relate to your post. It is important to get to a face to face meeting, so that you can meet ppl in your area. Most all meetings pass around a clip board, that you can add your number to and get numbers,  to call someone to talk to. I also tell new commers, to pick up a beginner's packet of pamphlets and get all the other pamphlets you can, read and study them. The Merry go Round Called Denial and A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic were the two that helped me the most to see the behaviors in my family unit. It helped me to identify what I was giving energy to both with my emotions and actions.
This Board is a great place to get informed and get some support. You can search by topic and read for days. Also, in the chat room where there is 24/7 chat, we host 2 meetings on-line daily, that can be another great place to be.

As far as letting go of resentments and forgiving, that can take a long time. Don't stress yourself over it or kick yourself for not growing and changing faster. The transformations take time, effort, work but it can be done, I am  a prime example of hope. I was so hopeless and full of anxiety for most of my life, I was always walking around contemplating suicide.
    My therapist reminded me, that forgiveness can be done in layers, a little at a time. The deeper I delved into my psyche, the more I found, so I could just let it come up and out, acknowledge it, feel it and release it.

I am still working on not hating my step-father. I don't want to hate him but he has hurt me so much. I don't want to hold any grudges b/c I know it only hurts me. It doesn't matter what I do, I can't influence him to drink or not drink, to talk to me or not, to love me or not...  A's will do what they want, just like veryone else. If you had told me I wanted to be manipulated & feel like crap, of course I'd have argues with that. The fact is, I can work out my feelings and I am not a victim. I can be well adjusted and happy in spite of the painful experiences I have had. I don't have to keep allowing the past influence my right now, my wonderful today!

You are in the right place, keep posting, sharing, we are here for you. Welcome to the Board.

p.s. The book 12 steps for adult children will speak directly to you and your issues, if you're interested.

-- Edited by kitty at 12:58, 2008-08-06

Aloha Sammy!!

All that feedback and suggestions are what helped save my life after I had
nothing but resentments against my alcoholic and myself...and everything
else for that matter.  I blamed every person, place and thing except my
self.  That came later just about the time when I learned in meetings to
hate the disease and love the person.  That worked for me since then up
to now regardless of the dis-ease.

Keep coming back...(((((hugs)))))

Hi everyone!
Thanks so much for all the replies! I'm so happy that people can relate. As a short-term idea, I think that when I go visiting I will try to stay with different relatives here and there so the tension won't be so much. I think it works out great, cause I can visit with them as well.
As for long -term, I really think I need to go to Al-Anon. I've visited the website countless times, and once even got ready to go to a meeting, but I chickened out! I live in a smaller town, and due to my line of work, I'm afraid people will recognize me and I don't want my co-workers to know. I know that it's not something I should be ashamed of but 'outsiders' sometimes pin a stigma on those that grew up in alcoholic households.
Until I grow a backbone, I think I'll track down some of the books suggested by you guys.

It's just all really hard sometimes, but I'm glad for the support.
THANKS!