The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
..into my own madness here as my a is really just a huge pain in my ass but i can not get rid of her
stifling i say
and i am going to meetings and hopefully doing the right things
and the trust is basically dead...and i am trying hard not to let her in my home...and i picked up the phone and its starting all over again
she wanted to go to a meeting...i picked her up...we got into a fight...i could barely contain my anger and resentments...and she just fell off...couldn't get out of the car to hit the meeting up
but i feel like afool...if it was a child i would ground him/her..i feel like i am the one suffering..holding back
i can not take this much longer
i have threatened this and that...changing my number..relocating etc etc...calling the police if things get out of hand...calling 9-11 if she threatens suicide again...etc etc
i am embarrassed to be in this position and have much anger and resentment towards myself for even being in this ugly predicament
i am tired of this lifestyle and these types of relationships...and i hope to get even more sick and tired of it to the point that i will walk away..for my own health and sanity
Charles...one of the things the program impressed upon me early was that if I would do the same things over and over again I could only expect the same consequences. You want something better?...do something different. I got caught a hitch with your shame statement. I asked myself the if I had ever felt shame because I was being had by the disease; not after I admitted that I am powerless and that as a result my life had become unmanagable. If you are thinking that somehow or another you are different than other victims of this disease, more something or other and you are supposed to be this or that but not being had by it maybe some deep 1st step work might help. If you are waiting for this to work without working it yourself, I for one never have seen that happen either for me or the thousands of others I have met in the program. But then I could be wrong heh? Wish you well.
Charles, Life is full of choices. We actually make 1000's of choices every day if we think about it. Lots of these choices are easier than others. We make right choices and wrong choices. We don't live or worry about the good choices because they usually do not come into play. Bad choices we have to live with, sometimes we dwell on them, worry about them, but continue to make them over and over again reguardless of the pain they might cause in our lives. But it is our choice. when I have made bad choices, and I have made my share I have tried to learn from them and not make them again.
I am not in any way saying you are making bad choices. I am saying you are the only person you have any control over, and the only person that can make the proper choices in your life to change the lifestyles you are so tired of as you state in your post.
Choices, choices, choices, life is full of choices, and only we are in control of them because we are the ones that make them. A wise man told me years ago sometimes we are locked inside a small room with all our problems and concerns and can't see out because there are no windows. We have to open the door stand outside and look at our problems from a different angle with a chear view. In other words take ourselves out of the bubble. I have read several of your post and you sound like a person who could use a good dose of serinity in their life. I hope you can find it. It's your choice. RLC
I really agree with jerry and rlc, you have the power to change your situation and that starts with step one.
And starting to do things differently. When I admitted my powerlessness over the other people in my life, and realized that I could only do something about changing me, things got better.
When I was first "in program" my sponsor gave me a little thing to do to promote change. I was telling about how I always mow my yard exactly the same way every time...after having figured out the "best" way to do so. My sponsor told me from that day forward never to mow it the same way again. That was almost 4 years ago, and I have not mowed it the same way twice since then. It is amazing how many different ways I can mow my yard. And no matter what pattern I use it always gets the job done. And as an added bonus...it has become something fun for me to figure a new pattern each time. I started using that little exercise in a lot of the things I do in my life now.
Like Jerry said, nothing changes, if nothing changes.
you've already stated the way out... and you may be right: it may take you getting more sick and more tired of this lifestyle. for some people, pain is the only motivation to change.
keep coming back, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Awesome responses you're getting here Charles, and I really hope you can heed their advice and encouragement.... Not unlike the alcoholics, we will change OUR behaviors when we are "sick and tired of being sick and tired".
Your posts seem to indicate that you are at the frustration level, but not quite ready, for you, to take that next step towards doing anything about it.... That's okay - it IS a process, and you will get there when you need to get there.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I've definitely been where you are. Lowering my level of frustration was hard. Toby Rice Drew has a great book about how to handle living around alcoholism.
You can choose to not spend time with your A. You can also choose not to answer the phone. Do it one step at a time. Don't take on too much. Keep working at detaching. Detaching does not come easily, it takes work.
