The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
If you read my previous post you know that my A is getting out of jail this week- probably by Friday and he is "planning" to come to my house. These are tentative plans because we had spoken of it, but now that it is coming to a date I am getting nervous and I can tell he is as well. He offered to go to his brother's for a while- I would both like and not like that. Having him here does make me nervous initally, but again, a part of me obviously wants him to still feel like he did in jail and that he wants to come home to me and his son. The other part of me realizes that he might be "freaking out" about the normalcy at my place and not really wanting to come to my house. Maybe he is giving me an out for him to go to his brother's but that is his real desire. AHHH I can just already feel my self wondering what he really wants, not what I want, wondering who he wants to be with, not who I want to be with, etc.
I know I need to detach right now and I cannot fathom how to begin...I could use all the help I can get!!! A note on this is that I think I have mentioned before that he and I have used together. I still use at times- though not the substance that he was so strung out on. Every time I "party" it takes 2-3 days for me to let go of the guilt which he thinks is ridiculous when we were just having a good time. However, I also know he wants us to "party" together- noting that he assures me he will stay away from the oxys and needles that messed up his life. He seems to think a weekend out and then get things going for a job etc. I can hear all unhealthy in that, but also recognize his need for a release. AHHH!! It's like time is ticking and I need to hear some boundaries, detachment advice. I hope you all know how much I appreciate your support. Without you all in the past 6 months I just don't know where I would be.
Honey, you are in a bad place, I can tell. I would strongly encourage you to go to a meeting if you can. Or, go to the movies. Or call someone who is in the program. Just get yourself distracted and get yourself out of your rabbit hole!
Can you just stop and get really quiet and NOT DO, SAY or ACT in any way?
Let him just do whatever he is going to do. If I were you, I would take a drive, get out of town friday, go visit a friend for the weekend, maybe. check out of your life for awhile. Pretend you have something way more important than whatever it is the heck he is doing, going on. Act as if.
It isnt' about what he needs its about what you need. My former A needs every penny I have, every second and I have when he wants it and how he wants it. That is no longer an issue for me. At one point it was all I thought of.
You can sit down and work out what you want. How he feels about it is none of your business.
Very very difficult to do I know. I did it though and others have too.
Give yourself some space. If he has other options. Let him take them and give you time to work on you.
why not go to a meeting of NA yourself. Using substances and being around someone who is using them is a hard thing to do. I do not use alcohol any more because of the mess I got into around the a with it. Maybe its time to see that you can stop for a while.
If you are under stress using any kind of a substance generally doesn't help.
detachment, detaching, detached... it seemed completely impossible to me at one time. I didn't even know what it mean b/c I had never done it before in my life. I grew up ACoA.
For me, detaching means not focusing on another person, focusing on myself and minding my own business. I tend to be over involved, so I often catch myself being interested, asking questions or thinking about things, I have no business concerning myself with. Learning to focus on me has taken a long time. At first my mind would continuously wander off and I'd spend such concentration, keeping focus with myself. you feel wierd at first, foreign but it does get better over time.
I also attach to ppl, a lot and easily. It's okay to be emotionally attached but that doesn't mean I should be minding other's ppl's lives. My only job in this life, is to live my best life. That means being involved and interested in me and giving others the space to run their own lives. Besides, in the past, I'd have everyhting so convoluded & mixed up together and (naturally) not having any defined boundaries, I was easy to disrupt b/c I wasn't strong in myself.
It all comes down to you. Keep working it, you're worth it!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Detaching for me came with a mind set, "I'm not doing that anymore, not with myself or the alcoholic or anyone else." With that came the lesson that NO! is an entire sentence. You can add more words but not less. Say no do no. When I quit the stage the play was over for me and I got all the way away from the action including my own drinking. Detachment for me it is now none of my business and I apologize for butting in in the first place.
Any type of "release" with a mind-altering drug of any sorts, is a sure fire way to the path of destruction.
There is a saying that is taught in recovery, that the alchoholic/drug addict can't go home to an old idea. If things are what they always were, you are gonna get what you always had. Remember the chaos, remember the pain. You and your son deserve something different, healthier and better.
Change, something different and better, will all be up to you. You should be the one to decide if he is in your life, not the opposite. You are fortunate that your A has somewhere else to go other than your house.
Good luck to you. Keep coming back.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I used to drink with the ex AH. I stopped. I believe it took me a long time to get some clarity. If you want to de-tach maybe you can think about stopping partying for a while. I value my health now tremendously. I did not before.
