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Hi All, I've been here reading and posting (sometimes) for over a year. I have a complicated situation and am looking for insight.
My AH is sober for 26 months, and went through out patient recovery and then started attending 3 meetings a week, one is an AA meeting, one a recovery group meeting and the other is a AA meeting at another place. Anyway, about 3 months into all this he was deployed...to Iraq. So he is home for a few weeks not but not for good (he has to go back for 4 more months) and it is very hard to live with him. He says he has been working on the steps.....but he was on step 4 when he left and is still on step 4, and has gone to a few meetings but when I ask how they are he is not very postive about them, says the coffee shop chat afterward is better than the meeting. He thinks because he is not drinking he is just fine.....but I think he has a long way to go.
I have been in therapy for over a year, learned about detaching and some of the co dependent tendencies I had and really think I have made some strides in my own personal recovery, he sees none of this.....so he says.
My question is, does the A ever get to a point where they realize they were not living healthy with just not drinking?? That the 12 steps are there for good reason? Is there a chance with more step work he may come around and see the 'light' so to say??
Sorry for the long post....I know you guys are the best at giving feedback!
wendy, this is a great post, thanks for writing it. I will only offer my ESH, not any advice or tell you what I think you should do or not do. As always, please take what you like in what I write and leave the rest! What does not suit you, does not suit you and that is just fine around here-
There are two recoveries going on in your relationship: yours and his. His is his business and yours is your business. I know people who have worked on their 4th step for like 10 years. Not kidding. And in our respective programs, if that is what it takes, that is what it takes. There are no races or competitions in al-anon or AA, we get to go at our own personalized pace, in accordance with our HP, sponsors, etc. I am so grateful that there is no pressure on me to follow any precise order, timeline or technique. I need to work on me, my recovery in the way that works for me and in the time that works for me.
I am evolving as I am sure you are also but sometimes its so completely invisible to anyone on the outside- and this could be said for your A, also- he may be making some incredible tiny baby steps or incremental changes that no one may see for YEARS, no joke! We do, too- you may also. What happens inside is not always obvious on the outside, sometimes for years- it does not mean it is not happening.
You are both under a terrific amount of pressure right now in so many ways. I have a niece who has a husband who will be deployed shortly (his second tour of duty) and I cannot emphasize how stressful this is on SO MANY levels-not that this is any kind of excuse but perhaps you both need to acknowledge that you both have a lot of your plate and may need to just ease-up, chill out and simplify- just spend simple time together doing some things that you love to do- no more, no less- keep it dumber than dumb if you need to- little things like just holding hands or watching TV together or having a meal together- really cherish those moments and have them completely fill you- don't go looking for more or increase your expectations beyond this- keep your lives super simple and you may find that everything lightens up so much. This is good.
Keep the focus on you and your recovery, not his or him. Leave him in HP's hands and keep the focus on you. Attend your meetings, get involved in service work, read as much as you can- maybe attend some open AA meetings, or start a step study group of your own. do what you love, take care of YOU. Please yourself and follow your bliss- find out what that is if you are not sure!
You may not "like" some of the feedback and then I was told when I had my alcoholic under the Microscope that it wasn't required that I like the feedback and suggestion that I merely listen and decide to follow thru or not.
The disease of alcoholism runs off and side by side with codependency or in earlier program "enabling". Any behavior that supports the disease and which results in the enabler getting the opposite of what they want or expect is apart of the definition.
When I focused on what my alcoholic wife was doing, wasn't doing, was doing too much of or was doing wrong (that was without my own awareness and experience in 12step recovery) ultimately made things hard for me like in crazy for doing it and difficult for her like in interfering with her own process however that process was working out.
Since both program are voluntary and have no black and white requirements only suggestions, attempting to find out if they are doing it right or not or imposing my expectations on what comes from it all is not detachment but the opposite. Detachment for me suggest that I "Let go (completely) and let God (completely) with faith and hope that without my participation the alcoholic will reach sobriety (outside of my awareness or expectations) and will want to maintain it. Those who are best at assessing recovery are other alcoholics and that is why there is sponsorship...one recovering alcoholic helping another thru the journey. Due to the nature of the disease and human nature itself the journey will always be one of progress not perfection. There has never been a former alcoholic who has a perfect recovery or perfect sobriety...(just ask their family, friends, spouses and sponsors). I've been around for just less than 30 years in program (both) and have never met the perfect sober person either in or out of the rooms. There were times when I was looking for the application for that position but alas Al-Anon has rooted my feet in reality and now I just shrug off the idea when it comes and go back to being me.
One of my suggestions to you would be to try 90 days of continuous Al-Anon meetings if that is possible in your area, (call the hotline) and learn the steps and ask someone to help you follow them yourself. You might becomes so busy that you won't have time to drag your alcoholic husband under the lens of a microscope.
Thanks so much for your quick replies, I'm not sure that I am understanding completely. I may have my ah under a microscope as you suggest, he has been gone and we, my daughters and I are wanting to spend time with him, he leaves again soon, and the hours upon hours that he is gone is very difficult, especially for the children. If I left an hour and a half before a meeting I would be questioned, for good reason....I need to be accountable to my kids. This is all so much to digest, just when I think I'm making great progress I find out I'm not. Thanks for your replies, keep them coming.
I guess I am not clear about what you are asking- you say he is hard to live with- what does that mean?
He says the coffee chats after the meetings are often better than the meetings and to be honest, that does not surprise me because sometimes AA meetings are HUGE and the smaller coffee talks afterwards can be WAY more interesting and beneficial.
It just seems that you are watching/monitoring him, keeping an eye on him, reacting to him. As opposed to watching/closely monitoring yourself, keeping an eye on your own behaviors and thoughts and your own impulses to react to what he says, does, does not say or does not do.
In al-anon, we leave the A alone to pursue their own recovery, we do not compare our recoveries with theirs or monitor or babysit them. They do not do this to us, either. We conduct ourselves with dignity and respect for each other and leave each other in gods hands. J.
PS: is the issue the chats that occur after meetings for him? Do you feel he is spending too much time there and not enough time with you and the children? I guess I did not see you write this specifically but I may have just missed it- correct me please! hugs!
Iraq and he is still sober ? fantastic . I agree with coffee shop chat after the meeting , meeting is my fav. some things u just do't talk about in a large meeting . You say u went to coucelling so I assume u are not going to f2f Al-Anon meetings for yurself , i hope u con,sider doing so in the future it is the best way to support thier efforts in sobriety. once u are settled in this prog your going to be busy fixing yourself so u won't have time to worry what he is or is not doing in his prog.. key word HIS program . Get the focus back on yourself and enjoy . goodluck Louise
We do tend to put A's under a microscope. Some of letting go means letting go. Who knows how he will behave when he gets there. Why not wait and find out. I know all about second guessing it was my middle name. Now I look at my life and don't put others under the microscope. I know it hurts to be focused on self. Of course it is also difficult when you have children, who does what. I used to argue, argue, argue and rationalise it.
We have to de-tach and that's hard work. I believe it takes tons of practice. I had to stop looking at how I wanted people to be. How are they, what do they do. What can I do. I stopped wanting them to re-cover and put my recovery in there. What do I need. What can I do? You will have to brain strorm and plan be it. You can make a plan be here by sounding it out.
Rome isn't built in a day, take a deep breath, get through one day at a time. We all do that. Eventually you stop being hyperfocused on others and have a little room to stop wondering, wishing and maximising what "they" are doing. Whatever they do you can't control it, set limits yes, control no. There is a difference . I did not know that. Now I do. I also know what my limits are. What are yours?
"and really think I have made some strides in my own personal recovery, he sees none of this.....so he says"
Hi....your quote above reminds me of one great line - "what you think of me is none of my business"..... It would seem to me, that if YOU are happy with your personal recovery, that you are doing the things that you want to be doing - growing, learning, reading, changing your behaviors, etc - then that is the key. You may or may not ever get the approval or acknowledgment from him on this - or you might.... I think the key is that you are choosing recovery for yourself, and NOT to appease him, or gain his approval/acceptance....
As for the other question - whether A's get to a point of understanding that their drinking was only one part of their life issues - I think many DO, but their recovery, not unlike our own, tends to be a process, and not a straight line one... They will travel through periods of:
Denial (I am not an alcoholic, you're just too picky) Victim (poor me, why did life deal me such a crappy hand) Fear I (I have to go to AA forever???) Fear II (why are you going to Al-Anon... what/who are you talking about???) Fear III (the thought of getting sober is scarier than the thought of staying drunk) Stupidity (I can cut down on my own... how about I only have six per night???) Blame (I wouldn't drink so much if XXXXXXXXX) Arrogance (I'm better than those "real" alcoholics) Acceptance (I am an alcoholic, and need to address it) Embracing (Recovery is a part of my daily life, and it is awesome)
I am no expert, but I think many of them go through all, or most, of these stages before finally "getting it", in the Embracing stage....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
