The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, it looks like he will be out within the week at least until his next court date. When he told me yesterday I wanted to be happy, but instead I was just nervous and felt like telling him that it was good to talk to him for the past 6 months. I even went to far as to tell him that he usually he goes on a binge the first week he is out. I told him that I mentioned this to his mom and she agreed. He said he couldn't believe that I said that to her, etc. That he had no intention in doing that. That he intended to come straight to my house. That if he was going out to "party" to celebrate he intended to do that with me. I talked to his mom about him instead going to her house, etc. She is agreeement with that. When I acted nervous yesterday he said maybe I was the one with adjustment issues and that he needed to go to his brother's for a while and transition over. I couldn't help but think that maybe that is what he wants to do now and felt insecure as a result. I am just nervous and insecure and scared and all of those things...I need some wisdom...please...
I have been going to f2f meetings for around 9 months so am quite new to all this. One thing I have learnt is I am a co dependent I put everyones needs before my own especially my AB. He is living away from me at the mo because for the first time in my life I am concentrating on me , my life, my issues. I have probs to other wise I wouldnt be busy in everyone elses life. I am so scared of loosing him for ever and just want him to love me as much as I love him. But I am learning you have to love you take care of you or other people no matter how much they love you take advantage to get their own needs met. Take care of you hope this helps.
I can so relate to your post. I also am guilty of putting other people's needs before myself. I'm getting better at it, but its still a challenge for me.
It is probably best for your A to go to his brothers or mothers for the transition period. A's seem, from my experience, to be more forgiving of family than of friends and significant others.
One thing I've learned is that they A's are very good at trying to twist things around to make it seem like the innocent one that cares is really the guilty one. Just ignore it and dont let the comments bring you down.
As far as wanting someone to love you as much as you love them.... well for an addict that seems close to an impossible task. The quote at the bottom of all my postings says it all and I've learned to accept that...
"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how"
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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
I always relate to your posts and it takes me back to when I was there. That is such manipulation - well maybe I should go to my brothers.... Maybe he should. Seems like you've been pretty happy on your own! I very rarely feel insecure anymore and it took a long time of no communication at all with my A in jail/prison to get to that point. I think it's about being vested in what other people think, I still have issues with that sometiemes. It's about what you think and want. Take time to think, don't give instant answers, that helped me. Go with your gut if it's churning you should probably avoid it. That's all I got. You know what's best for you, the problem is it's hard to follow it most of the time. Be strong, stand up for yourself, don't be sucked into manipulations. It gets better and easier I promise.
(((Codependent-Tracy-Heartbroken))) In reading your three post it reminded me again of how we in Al-Anon are so much alike, with the same traits and feelings for others. We are fixers, controlers, codependents, understanding of others feelings, caretaking, compassionate, occasionally maybe a bit enabling, usually forgiving, and have an ample amount of tolerance. We all have the same feelings about abuse be it animal of human, sorrow and sickness.
None of us are perfect, all of us make mistakes everyday, we have pity parties every once and a while (WHY ME!! WHY ME!!) We take a step or two backwards every now and then, get our head on straight and smile, leap forward only to land in another mud hole. But,there is nothing wrong with that unless we lay there in the mud and don't try to get up. We all know the tools of Al-Anon will pick us up and head us in the right direction again. We only have to put them to use.
My whole point in this post is to get out my "white paint brush" and paint us as group of good caring people, who in most cases put ourselves in others shoes, have learned in Al-Anon to try to put our mind in gear before we put our mouth in motion and are starting to believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it isn't an on coming train.
I realize that my post had very little to do with with the three of your posts, and then again it had everything to do with your post. But, I wanted to say it, because I think we need to hear it from time to time. So now everyone can stand up and give themselves a round of applause, a pat on the back, and change your attitude about yourself because I think all of us "Al-Anoners" are a very special group. (((HUGS TO ALL))) RLC
