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Just when I thought things were getting on track BOOM!! Off the track again. I have been working my program and it has been working. I have been in therapy, and have been feeling quite well. Then last night my 22 year old daughter informs me that when her and AH went out for drinks about a month ago, he hit on her. Made very inappropriate moves on her. I have known my AH for 25 years and he has known my daughter for most of her life. We were on again off again in our early years. He is her step father and considers himeself as such. My dilema is of course his behavior, but also that she never told me until now. My AH and I have been working on a reconciliation. Things have been going well but no concrete plans for a getting back together. I have no doubt in what my daughter is telling me. She also informed me that she was moving out, this weekend, going back to my parents home. (3 States away) I am at a loss. I rely on him 100% financially and have been looking for a job for a couple of months now with no luck. I have not worked for 10 years, raising my younger children. One of which just recently just got kicked out of the house for his behavior, which now I realize may have been a direct reaction to his sister telling him about his father hitting on her. She had wanted to get my AH to talk on tape to prove what she was telling me. We have a voice activated recorder. My AH had been telling her that he was going to take her shopping for her birthday, which has passed. I knew about this back in March, when we were planning her birthday. But life took over and I decided in April that my AH had to go and had him removed from our home, one main reason was his drinking but also my son had moved out of the house and was staying in my in-laws home but was partying and smoking pot. He was out of control! So I had my AH removed and brought my son home. But things did not get better for my son, nothing had happened at that time with my AH and daughter. His behavior was out of control and I caught him smoking pot in my basement. Later he was acting odd again and I drug tested him, he came up positive for THC. It has been a difficult road for all of us. But then add this to the mix. I am just glad that I am already on anti depressants otherwise I have no idea what my state of mind would be right now. I called my attorney last night, he is representing me in the current Court Order between my AH and I. When he called this morning I did not answer, I felt like he would want to speak to my daughter who wasn't up yet. With my current health issues, brain cancer and excessive fluid on my brain, I am completely lost!!!!! i have a doctor's appointment on Friday which I had set up for my AH to take me, it is a spinal tap. It has been planned for a few weeks now. It is a fairly simple procedure but you never know what can happen. I felt it best for an adult, my AH, to take me under those circumstances. My mother is setting up for a Uhaul to be here on Friday to get my daughter packed up and moved, she doesn't even know the exact nature of why my daughter wants to move but she is right on top of it. Any ESH out there I would love to hear from you, Thanks for your support!!!
Take a deep breath, you have so much chaos going on around you. You have your health to worry about and that should be top priority. Everything else can wait. Your daughter will be safe 3 states away. You can't control your son's pot smoking, only voice your concers - but it sounds like you might need him with you to help you out right now. Try to find the positives and the good qualities in the people around you until you are in a position to make changes.
You have got a ton of personal life jangling things going on and then some.
Of course he drinks, she drinks with him and he hits on her...normal (for me) expectation for the people and atmosphere. Sons using and not acting normal and that's normal also. Tro's, lawyers, movings in; movings out...lets apply the second part of the 1st step "....and my life has become unmanagable." Kinda sorta fits? Back to your "personal life" physical health, mental health, emotional health and spiritual health", that for me became priority in the managability department. The other stuff has other people who need to manage that stuff...it's their stuff not yours.
Of course we have to learn it by practicing it. I could have never come up with the steps myself. Others had to and had to learn by practicing and then pass it on to me. Whew I'm glad I was there this time when the brains were passed out!!
I have no "should be glad that it wasn't worse" lines for you. It's all worse enough. Might tell your daughter to stay away from addicted people and to keep herself safe from unexpected danger. In fact maybe tell her that when she hangs with drinkers she should expect danger.
I was a son once (still am to my HP) and am still a male (even though the women of Al-Anon got me to get in touch with my female side...LOL) some times I think being male is a curse...other times just a zit. That's on the good days.
Jerry, thank you for your insight. I was looking for outside thoughts on the situation. I was wondering if my feelings were normal, given the insanity of it all, or if I was under reacting. I mean, she is 22 years old and she did go out for drinks and was drinking with him and then went to his house alone. I don't condone what my AH did and I know she is really hurt by the whole thing. I am too. But AH is predictable and given alcohol and a beautiful young woman, who used to adore him, I just wonder how it is she didn't recognize something before it happened. Then I feel as though I am not taking her side enough or blaming her.I am not blaming her though, he is at fault and I know will never be man enough to accept his responsibility in this whole thing. The reality is, neither of them had any business going out drinking. I have to consider all of the facts. I am no upset with her but am confused with the amount of time it took for her to let me in on what had happened. The person she should have left out of this was my son and she told him and he lost it. His behavior in recent weeks got him kicked out of the house, now I am wondering if it all had to do with this situation and his knowledge of it. I am not excusing his behavior, everyone is accountable for their own behavior, good, bad or indifferent. I know that I have to take care of myself and she is not moving for at least another week. I want she and I to work out our issues that are coming out of this now. I know she is looking at me to make some sort of decision on doing something, but I just don't know what to do at this time. All I can do is take care of me and my health and my 14 year old step son. In our family we have never used the "step" word for any of our family is was just daughter and sons. And her step father was Dad. Wow that really hurt my heart to write. I have a lot to discuss with my therapist on my next visit. Thank you so much.
I'n not an alcoholic but when I drink I make very poor choices. So I no longer drink.
I could spend a year and a day wondering why the A or anyone else did stuff. I have to let it go.
I have to really super hard work on how I am taking care of me day in day out. I can't really analyze why, shoulda, coulda would what anyone else does. I just start and end with me.
Chaos comes with alcoholism. Getting out of it takes time. Some times its one minute at a time. We have all been there. Guess what some of us aren't in chaos anymore. We did it by de-taching and getting on with our own lives.
I could be cataloguing for the next 100 years all the mess the A made. I let it go now.
I didn't want to but if I don't I am stuck right back there and guess who suffers me mostly. The A who I was with makes poor choices day in day out. I do believe when I left him he made different sexual choices. Every single day during the past 5 years he made one disastorous choice after another. Wondering "why" is part of codependency. I don't have the "why" I have the "what". He did things that hurt me. I took actions to take myself out of the way of continuing hurt. I didn't do that right away. I did it slowly, carefully and deliberately. I am no longer "in the way" of his choices. He can choose to drink till he is dead now and it will no longer affect me because I got out of the way with al anon. And one way was to give up the "why".
(((Michelle))) I could say a lot to you, feel like I know you, wonder why bad things happen to good people. Bad choices by others close to you has caused your life to become unmanageable. With the health issues you are dealing with it does not seem fair to have all this on your plate. You have such strength, continue to be strong.
Something I think you should consider is turning all of the clutter that is swirling around you over to your HP. It is as I mentioned a couple of days ago, past time that you start taking care of yourself, Michelle is the important one. Those are not just words they come from the heart. You just take care of you, turn the others over to your HP. I know that is easier said that done, but for your health and well being it is something that should be strongly considered. You are in my prayers and I only wish the best for you.(((HUGS))) RLC
I have decided to make no decisions on anything right now. I am going to keep the focus on what I have to do for my health, which is my spinal tap on Friday. My son has also decided that he wants to go to school and not move, so my AH and I are working on getting all of his financial aide put together. I was quite overwhelmed in the moment of being informed of the deed. But I can't change that and it wasn't my fault, I am aware of it and that's the best it can be for right now. When I feel stronger mentally then I may make some other choices, but for now, I HAVE to take care of me. The only thing fighting my cancer right now is my own immune system, which has always been weak, so I have to do this for me right now. I can support my daughter, maybe get her some counseling, but I can only offer it, I can't make her go that is her choice. I have handed over what I can't deal with to my HP. I feel some relief and feel that my HP stepped in with my son. Thank you all so much for your ESH's. I really needed them.
Aloha Wild!!
