The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
But I am working on it. Tomorrow will be a better day. It just all came rushing back in technicolor when I saw him again. All the pain, the yelling, the punching, etc. But I must need to do this right now or else HP would not have brought me here. I have reached out and gotten some good help. I am hurting and experiencing a lot alot of pain and grief. I will be better soon. thanks for listening. J.
(((((Jean))))) Some post-traumatic stress. So sorry you're going through that. Glad that you're reaching out and getting help. Hopefully this is closure on that chapter. As painfully sad as it all is - you have grown stronger from it all. Hang in there.
I am so sorry you are going thru this. If I lived near you I would have gone with you to court and distracted you enough to lessen the inpact of seeing him. There are a couple of things that work for me as far as flashbacks or seeing him in the flesh.
One thing is I never ever refer to him by his name. Except if I have to to explain to someone who doesn't know who I am talking about when I say Moron (my pet name for him...he used to LOVE the way I said Moron when I was road raging....seems fitting) or here I refer to him as the ex. It helps me to objectify him and not think of him as the man who I loved. Because the man who I loved was an illusion that HE created. Some of the women in another group I am in (A DV suvivors group) have some really funny names for their ex's.
The other thing I have had to do (not too much now) is to tell myself (sometimes out loud) that I am safe right now. The scarey stuff is in the past and he can't hurt me ever again. I chant it like a mantra. I say "So What." when that fear starts to overwhelm me. After all, so what anyway! So what to him, his abuses, his apparent success, his Moron-ness. So What!!!
You, my dear, are incredible woman and I have no doubt what-so-ever that this too shall pass in a very timely fashion. Now, feel strong that you faced that ______ (fill in the blank). You ROCK sister!!!!!
I feel much better today. I cried my whole butt off last night. Just bawled all night long. It was good and cleansing. I spent some time in the MIP chatroom and have lace and roxie and dale to thank for seeing me through. what a lifesaver this site is!
I called a crisis line and got a very good older woman who spent some good time talking to me, too. She had gone through what I went through and she is OK.
The thing I remembered is that I am alive and was able to walk away from it. So many never made it through. So many stayed and were killed. I was not. I got out. Thanks to HP, I am positive.
So today is a shiny new beautiful day! What am I going to do with this precious new day? I have not quite decided but its my choice to make and I am grateful that I get to have one more lovely day in this life. Yesterday I was hating on this place, this time, this situation, this town, etc. Hating on the weather, you name it. But today I turned that around and can see that this is a day that God has given to me, it is a gift. His gift to me and a precious one at that- I must make the best of it and be grateful for it.
Thank you Seren for the tips- I use that repeating the "I AM SAFE" technique often- I often say to myself: right now, in this minute I have everything I need and am completely safe. It works and then I can take it one minute at a time, if needed. Last night was like that. But you know what? I remembered to eat, drink water, I felt all my feelings and did not hurt anyone with my reactions or actions. I cried alot. I guess I needed to, to wash away as much as possible. I needed to grieve. I did. I am sure I will again but one piece is processed and I am so much better today for having gone through what I did last night. I think I let go of some really old crap through those tears.
Thank you, MIP family for being there for me- love in serenity- J.
That brought back memories of the past and the present for which I have nothing but gratitude. By the time it all came rushing back I had learned acceptance, detachment, her part and mine and an awareness of alcoholism and it's consequences that put me solidly into compassion for her, me and the lawyers and judges and with qualified expectations. I knew what to expect and accepted that. I knew that what ever can happen might happen and there were no surprises any more. "It isn't over till it's over" is what I told my shocked lawyer who asked me "Is this craziness alcoholism?" It was and my goal was to just have it over and participated in that goal only. Forget the emotions. Don't let the emotions rule my behavior. Participate in the "being over" and going on with the recovery not the disease. I'll tell you more about the gruesome (pride and ego) details if you want and still it is over. I forgave her, my lawyer, the judges and myself.
Gear up that extreme self care for a while. Put that in place and keep de-taching. He is going to be out of your life in time and there will be no more of this. For a long long time for many of us we have to deal with the step by step process of moving them out if we choose to (no judgment on those who don't I've been there and done that and I know why and how and what it means to stay and to not stay).
