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Hello all, Well, we are both on our 30th day of recovery,(me and abf). I thought it would feel good getting to this magical marker, but if anything, I am more confused than ever. He is learning new tools and trying to make use of them, and for that I am grateful. I, too am learning to use my new tools, but admit, find some days are easier than others. To totally concentrate on only yourself is so difficult when you care and are so entwined (or ensnared) with someone else. What he does in is life has a direct effect on what happens in my life and to give him total responsibilty for his actions and choices leaves me in a very vulnerable position. As an active A everything revolved around him, and I find that while he is in recovery, it still does. He is making demands on my actions and behaviors, and for me, this builds a resentment as I cant stop thinking, and yes vocalizing, what about me, what about what I wanted and what I needed all these years, what about the promises you made and broke, the changes I wanted from you. Now that he is "seeing more clearly", it is more and more about what he wants and what he needs and how he needs me to be. He told me that in the past, when he was drinking, he was numb, and didnt feel anything and just rolled with the punches but now he is feeling and he isnt liking the questions and suspicions I have, which are learned behaviors after at least 5 years of lies and deceit. For me it was a self preservation thing, I needed to know when, where and what he was doing at all times so I could plan accordingly. Old habits die hard and when trust is broken repeatedly, I guess suspicion and guardedness take over. I am trying hard to break this habit, but it almost seems to be a knee jerk reaction, it happens before I have time to think. I know I am going on and on, I guess my question here in all of this is can we both walk down the road to recovery together??
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
Congratulations on the 30 days. That is a big step.
You both are in very early recovery. When I first came on here I had the same questions. I wondered how long it would take for things to become "normal". My Asober has been in recovery for 4 months. His first month into recovery he seemed like a "happy" person, then it changed, he became very quiet. Around 3 months of recovery he had "temper tantrums" and was grumpy a lot. For the last week or so he's been more talkative and more attentive. He started opening up some. As I am observing him in recovery he has had many different attitudes.
Your bf is going tru a lot, and so are you. What I'm doing to have my questions answered (and believe me I still have a lot of questions) is reading as much as I can about alcoholism, and recovery for myself.
The book "getting them sober" is great reading material. There are 4 volumes, and I'm reading volume one. It is helping me understand why things happened the way they did when he was still active and I'm able to apply what I'm learning to our current life.
I have learned to detach which helps a lot. When things aren't that great I tell myself alanon slogans like "one day at the time". When he would be grumpy I would tell myself not to take it personally as it is part of his recovery and would repeat the slogan "stark raving sober". It has always helped me so far.
"What he does in is life has a direct effect on what happens in my life and to give him total responsibilty for his actions and choices leaves me in a very vulnerable position."
" what about what I wanted and what I needed all these years, what about the promises you made and broke, the changes I wanted from you"
"he isnt liking the questions and suspicions I have, which are learned behaviors after at least 5 years of lies and deceit. For me it was a self preservation thing, I needed to know when, where and what he was doing at all times so I could plan accordingly. Old habits die hard and when trust is broken repeatedly, I guess suspicion and guardedness take over"
Totally get all of this! You just want them so bad to say/realize all the pain they have put us through. They really have no clue. And I am always asking myself if I will ever get an "I'm sorry for all I put you through", but that would be MY big fat expectation!! Keep up the good work!
thanks to all of you for your support and insights. I am learning so much here, about my abf and about myself. It helps so much to come here and feel validated and to gain the strength to make it through another day! seeking peace, jeannie
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if you bring forth what is within you, what is within you will save you
