The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I started my weekend positive. I was so proud of myself on Saturaday. My recov bf spent the whole day Saturday away from home working on his hunting lease with his best friend (this is the friend that has the "friendly" girlfriend..past issues there). I was proud of myself, because I actually looked foward to spending the day with me. And I did great! Did not worry or anything. Did a little shopping, even went to the pool by myself. Now, for those that don't know me, this is an incrediable step. I was very sick before finding Al-Anon. Got to the point I couldn't work for a year, had panic attacks every day, almost lost my son. Very bad. Anyways, I couldn't even go to the grocery store by myself. So this day was a huge step foward...I was so proud of myself...or so I thought.. Well, he didn't return until about 8 at night, which is normal. This is where all my hard work flies out the window:
About the last 1/2hr I was getting a little antzy. Not bad, just a little. So he called to tell me he was driving home, and I could have swore I heard a womens voice in the background like she was talking on a cell phone. I would swear on it. I stopped talking to him so I could hear and the voice kept talking. I immediatley got anxious. So now I am thinking that the girl friend was there and now he is giving her a ride home. I have been struggling with this all weekend. Did I really hear that, was it the radio, or because I was getting anxious anyways, was it my mind playing tricks? I swear I think its the devil sometimes.
In the past my bf would lie about when he saw her (before recov). Now in no way, do I think he would sleep with her. Thats not it. Its a respect thing. I don't like the idea that he would hang out with someone that has admitted to creating trouble for us in the past. And its the idea of him seeing her and her wonderful attention giving ways and then having my bf come home and be all lovey dovey with me. I don't even want him to touch me when I think she has been around (but he is always very affectionate with me anyways, so you hear me struggling...and if it is just in my mind, then I am rejecting his attentions, which makes him feel bad in turn...round and round)
But I didn't ask anything. I acted fine and we had a good weekend together. He again, gave no reason why I should not trust him. He has told me flat out that he would tell me if she was going to be there. And I try and think, so what, he gave her a ride home. SO WHAT! But again, its the respect thing for me. I want and maybe I just need to learn to trust some things. But it is so hard when the past gets in the way.
I haven't said a word to my boyfriend. The advice that I get here, I have repeated in my mind. The slogans, the words, I repeat to myself. I was thinking of how proud I was of myself during the day on sat and now, for two days after, because I "thought" I heard something, I am fighting myself horrible. Then first thing this morning, I came here and read. This site is such a blessing - you all just don't know how much. As I read here, my bad thoughts and guilt were replaced by slogans, kind words and positive thoughts. I read about all the other problems that people are going through and think mine is so small and stupid. I have my meeting tonight, but posting and reading hear will get me through the day. Just wanted to thank you all for listening. And know that you do really help.
I can relate to how you feel. When I get anxious or worried about something, and usually it's just because that's how I used to act, and later find out that I worried for no reason, I keep telling myself things I have learned in Alanon as well. I usually come and read the posts in the morning before I do anything else and it always makes me feel better. When I do start to worry about something at any other time I come on here as well and it really works for me. It calms me down to read the posts.
I know that dealing with an Asober is a whole lot different than dealing with an active A. I am not able to instantly trust him again just because he quit drinking. It will take some time to restore that trust.
Since Alanon I am also able to have good days with myself which I wasn't able to do before. I used to sit and wait on him when he was still active. Now I can even go somewhere not only when he's not here but also when he's at home. This is a big step for me. Before, I would only go somewhere when he was not home (which he wasn't most of the time), but I always made sure I returned before I suspected him to be home so I would not run into trouble with him.
There are so many things I don't have to deal with regarding to him anymore and I'm still getting used to it. I "expect" the old behavior automatically but then realize that it has changed.
I know what you mean about the obsessing over stuff. I think you did well. One thing I learned is that it is NOT my job to learn how to trust him again. It is HIS JOB to earn my trust. I am not giving away my trust anymore, ever, to someone who hasn't earned it. I told him that up front, when I figured it out, and it has made my life a lot easier. I do not have to beat myself up for not trusting him just because things have changed. I can give myself the space I need and know that it is a long process and I will never be the same. There are things that I will never trust to someone else, now. I am not so niave as I was. I know much better how to protect myself, and I do not feel the need to justify my lack of trust anymore.
Now the ball is in his court. Life is getting much better.
Keep coming back.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
That's about how I went thru it with my alcoholic wife also. It's progress not perfection and its by doing that you learn. I learned a "qualified" trusting process and I also learned that I needed to be trustworthy myself. I can't ask for something I cannot give else it is purely power and control and self centeredness. Qualified trust allows me to give grace to others who at times not all the time, do things outside of my value system. I want grace for those times I make mistakes also. Learning to not let my body language tell a different story than my behaviors and attitudes was a higher degree of learning and work. I learned that when my thinking, talking, feeling and acting were all in one vertical line (vertical alignment with my HP) then there was no question from the alcoholic or myself for that matter about where I stood. Body language is the greater part of communications. Your mouth might be saying one thing and your body language is telling others where you really are.
