The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This morning I was cautiously optimistic about my son's AA attendance the past two weeks. Now, just a few hours after that post, he calls.
Ranting, slurring a bit, negativity, irritability, griping.....same old, same old.
Good thing people here told me to have "no expectations" because I tried hard to follow that advice. In fact so much so that I have had the expectation daily that he would relapse. He denies that he was drinking today; says he attended his meeting as usual (but griped about the tone of it). But we recognize the signs unless this is a "dry drunk". It is the slight slur that gives me the suspicion. I couldn't talk to him logically. We ended up with me upset with him. Was I wrong (probably) to say I thought he was drinking and therefore I couldn't talk to him today??? He denied it vehemently to both me and his Dad. How should I have handled this?
I just give up. I won't answer the phone to him again today. Have done it twice and his Dad answered once. Evidently as he said, Sundays are awful. I am so sad.
You gave it your best shot. Maybe you were wrong maybe you were right. With my son he lies so much he doesn't even know what the truth is. It is his responsibility to make it right.
I think you are doing fine. I know how hard it is to get rid of the doomsday attitude. I had it forever it seemed.
You said in your other post that you were afraid that he would fail AA. Hon, he can't fail AA. When he is ready they will be there for him. He will probably have false starts and that is normal. I don't know a single A personally that got it the first time, or the second, or the 10th for some. There is always hope. My AH was in the program going to meetings every week without fail, for well over a year before he finally got sober this time. He has 11 months now. It is a hard row for them. He is still struggling with the first step and he will continue to try to control his own drinking until he exhausts all the possibilities. Every time he reaches out to the program puts him close to the people who can help him. Try to see these attempts as positive not negative.
So what are you going to do for you, now?
I told my AH when I didn't believe him. It wasn't to guilt him into sobriety though, it was to protect me from that internal conflict that I felt when I chose to believe his lies. Being truthful was what I needed for my own serenity. I absolutely would not discuss it further though. That would be to engage with the disease and as you have found that does not preserve serenity. I simply told him that I did not believe him and that he could not convince me otherwise. End of discussion. He learned that I would hang up if he continued to argue.
Anyway, that is my experience for what it is worth. I hope you can find a way to get to a f2f meeting. Keep your chin up and enjoy the time you have with that precious little one. Let him infect you with a childs beautiful outlook on life, and trust HP to work the rest out.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thanks for the supportive replies. I didn't stick to letting the phone ring, so three more times he called to "defend" himself. He said lots of things about how his dad and I had always been so hard on him, had such expectations, etc. He wanted to talk about his Sunday meeting where evidently the topic was "once you are an A you will always be guilty...your friends and family will always suspect you and accuse you and test you"....he ended his long diatribe by saying he would NEVER discuss his AA with me again. Well, I told him I never never asked you to or asked questions. We were so harsh with one another. I am so exhaunsted today and so sad. I know today will probably bring us face to face; honestly, I would rather do anything than deal more with this. I just try to hard to make myself unavailable but it doesn't work that way in our family. Long long tradition of always being there for him, he for us, etc. But I know it is a long shot for him to give up a lifestyle he "enjoyed".....I always hear that. He tells me most AA people tell him that they are sober but not happy. Who knows? I'm not happy either and don't think I will ever be freely and truly happy again. Awful to say, but two years and four months of the kind of life we have recently had, it is almost impossible for me to find the rainbow anymore. Thanks again.
As to "was I wrong?" - the only way to answer that question is to ask yourself why you did it.
Did you say what you did because you are tired of being his patsy, of participating in a lie, in "throwing a doily over the elephant in the room"?
Or because you wanted to shame him into action, because you wanted to be proved wrong (or right)? Because you needed to have a finger in every one of his pies, because you just can't stay out of his business?
The exact same question can be right, or it can be wrong, because the different motives can be steps towards your recovery, or away from it.
As to whether it was right or wrong in its influence on his behaviour - you know what I'm going to say. You can't make him drink, and you can't keep him sober. You are just not that powerful. If he is looking for an excuse to drink, he'll gratefully take any you give him. If you don't give him any, he'll make something up. If he is determined to stay sober, you will not push him over the edge.
