The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As thoughts come shooting into my mind, I have found it helpful to post them here. I have discovered it is a good way to keep me from obsessing, and get it out and processed. Then, the comments give me other helpful perspectives, so then I can move on. So, 4 in the morning and here I am...
Over the past few days my soon to be ex AH has been sharing his recovery with me. First, he sent me a long text (and addressed it with my nick name) telling me how he was profoundly depressed over the past couple of days but getting a lot of help and dealing with it better than ever before. Said he is accepting that it is just a part of being him, and probably always will be. Then he went on to wish me peace, serenity and gratefulness, to keep doing the next positive thing for me, and finally, that he wished for me what he wishes for himself.
At first my reaction was "Huh?", and then the analyzing started. It is either a suicide note or an attempt at an amend. Does he realize now that I wasn't the one cauisng the depression all those years? He broke up with his g/f. By pushing his program speech on me he is making himself feel better. Blah, blah, blah... This time however, I caught myself pretty quick. Now I see it as not really meaning anything. He obviously had the need to share that with me. Period.
So last night he comes over to check in to see if we need help with my 15 yr old's b-day with friends that we had going on. We ended up chatting and then sitting down and talking, face to face. Again, he talked of his depression and recovery. He also whined about the strict requirements of the recovery programs he is in. I was proud of myself because I just listened. I rarely asked questions or asked for clarification. I just kept reminding myself that we do not think the same way and that my comments, however rightous they may be, do not help.
He commented on how he has experienced depression his whole life and how he has recently learned that when he has bad feelings, he doesn't have to do anything but feel them and let them pass, and how tough that is since he is used to medicating himself through it. It was also interesting in that he said in terms of dealing with depression, he gets far more tools from AA and recovery than therapy. I was able to tell him of the counseling session I had with the kids and the anger they are experiencing. It was all very calm and matter-of-fact. No anger, no blame. I stayed relevant the whole time and completely dismissed any thoughts that could turn us in a negative direction.
We were serving the birthday cake and had princess plates (requested by my son who thought it was hilarious). Anyway, I served AH's onto the last plate and had my piece left that needed one. AH said, "wait, you should get the princess plate. I need a b***head or scumbag one" to which I simply replied, "we don't have any of those". This was big for me, in that normally I will negate what he says to make him feel better. Not this time, and I was able to make it clear that I agreed with him.
My point here? I've progressed! I was able to take his opening up to me for exactly what it was. He obviously was doing it because he needed to. Does it mean he broke up with his g/f? Probably not. Does it mean he is sorry? Uh, no. Was he asking for help? Nope. I can go on and on with what it all could mean, but the fact is, I don't know and it doesn't matter. I showed him some compassion and didn't give myself away. I'm still mad and sad about many other aspects (infidelity, finances, abandonment), and just because I didn't tell him it doesn't mean I am not. Yep, it's baby steps alright and just for today it feels good to believe I moved forward a bit. Aaaaahhh....
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You're right - his progress through his recovery doesn't have to have any great effect on you.
Most likely, he is going through this the way most of us (and them) do - getting some of it, not getting other parts, slipping, backsliding, making occasional leaps forward, working the easy parts and leaving the harder bits..... It's entirely possible that the regret he is expressing to you is honest. You don't have to dismiss it as a lie, but you also don't have to fall gratefully to your knees, thanking God that things can go back to what they were. You can take it for what it is - something that may mean a lot to him, but not a whole lot to you. Where this CAN have meaning, eventually, is when you are ready to start to forgive him, in order to complete your healing process.
For me, now, years after he quit drinking, with a certain amount of recovery for both of us, and him gone, I can look at the alcoholism as not a whole lot different than the cancer that killed him. Some aspects of it rooted in choices, but mostly something from outside that leaves ALL of its victims basically blameless. For me, eventually, the pain stopped being something he did to me, and just became something that happened. That's when his regrets, and his taking responsibility for causing pain, became helpful - when I stopped laying blame, his apologies were no longer meaningless. I had to get there first, though - the apologies didn't bring me there.
Good Job Lou!!! The comment about him wishing for you everything he wants for himself is directly from the program. It is said that when you have a resentment against someone that you just cannot let go of, that you should pray for them. Not just pray for them but pray that they recieve everything you want for yourself. A sponser said "Pray that they get what they deserve...." when I refused to even attempt to say a prayer for my ex and his GF.It is a way to let go and feel good about yourself. On another level, since the energy praying is within you it makes sense to keep all of your prayers positive, there by keeping personal energies good and pure.
The thing is, it is a very hard thing to do with the right intentions.
Isn't it a beautiful thing when you can detatch with love for yourself?
Good job Lou. Progress not perfection. Those things that they don't bone up to I think is because they really don't know they did it whether clean or sober. Sounds like your kids have found some serenity too.
