The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is going to be long so I thank whoever sits through and reads it all in advance!
I am new to this and not sure where I fit in. My therapist urged me to read the Alanon book and my husband has been encouraging me to go to meetings. I am 8 months pregnant right now and have two other children to tend to so getting to one has been next to impossible.
My parents do not drink but my therapist said that my family is highly dysfunctional, survives on denial and has all of the elements of an alcoholic family. There is alcoholism on both sides of my family including my younger brother who pretty much controls the family.
I have been the black sheep for my entire life and I am the only one who has children. I have put every kind of distance between myself and my family to protect myself from their craziness. Classic toxic upbringing: verbal & physical abuse, father a work-aholic, mother enabler and martyr. My parents are wealthy however one only benefits from this if one lives life within the confines of their approval and if one were to even say a word against them, they taketh away. This is how it has been for myself and my sister all of our lives and I have chosen the road without the money while my sister chose the other road and she is so far in it that she cannot see, nor would it be in her financial interest to admit, any wrong doing of my parents which puts me into the role of "always wrong".
I've learned to live with this. I have accepted that the fantasy of a close happy family is just a fantasy and that I can create that within my own family with my husband and my children. However, I think grandparents are important and my parents love my kids. For the last ten years, I have been given the chance to see my parents in a new light and experience the kind of love I always wished I had from them through their relationship with my children. It has been very precious to me to see the joy that my kids bring to my parents and to see the joy that my parents bring to my kids.
Here's the real issue. My brother (who is 32 years old and has never lived on his own), the raging angry alcholic, lives on my parents property. He is given a nice house to live in, a new car every two years, an unlimited spending credit limit and all of the love and adoration a kid could want. When he doesn't get what he wants, he is cruel, volatile, gets wasted, blames them and threatens to kill himself. My family has learned to avoid him for "three days" after he has been drinking and as long as they do that, the relationship is "perfect". They walk on eggshells around him and have him up on a pedastal. No one can say a thing against my brother. He is the only son and has always received special treatment from my parents.
Four years ago, my brother had a fight with my parents and asked me if he could come live with me for a while. I agreed as long as he helped me do some home repairs in exchange for rent. He agreed. He lived with me for four months. He did not give me a penny towards food, utilities, and constantly complained that I was taking advantage of him by asking him to do meet his end of our agreement. He spent a lot of time drunk. He was verbally abusive to me and after two months of this, I let go of my feelings of family loyalty, realized I could not help him and asked him to move out. He didn't. It took two more months for him to leave and it took me threatening to evict him legally to get him out. Before he left, he overheard me talking on the phone with a friend and calling him a "freeloader". Because of this, he to this day has not spoken to me.
Quite frankly, I am ok with that but it has been an ongoing friction between me and my parents because he won't have anything to do with me, lives on their property, is hostile towards my kids and has been drunk and beligerent in the house when they have been there. Once screaming at my mother so loud that my kids woke up and heard him throwing things and yelling out obscenities. He scared them and in therapy, my son said out of the ble three years ago: "I am afraid to be alone with my uncle because I am afraid that he will put his hand over my mouth so no one will hear me scream." That was all it took for me. I was horrified. I don't need something to happen to jump to protect my child. Therefore, I have put down one boundary on my parents: my children are not to be near him.
I have tried very hard to give them the time with my kids that they want but they have repeatedly broken my trust by disregarding the very clear boundary I set and went ahead and invited my brother to participate in activities while my kids were visiting them and even coached my kids not to tell me.
My son confided in me about 4 months ago and once I heard this, I had to draw a line in the sand. They don't respect me as an adult or as a parent and I can accept that but I cannot accept anyone teaching my children to lie to me and putting my kids in harms way. I see that as a huge betrayal and abuse of power. It is very confusing for my kids to know what is right when they have their grandparents telling them to lie to their parents about something that they know is not allowed and why.
For the first time since I have been a mother (ten years), I canceled their summer visit with the kids and my parents have not spoken to me once. The silence hurts especially because I am pregnant and have had a very difficult pregnancy. I was in the emergency room twice in the last two months and although I didn't tell them directly, my sister knows and she told me that she told them. Not even a phone call to see if their daughter and unborn grandchild is ok.
My sister told me that my parents got my brother an apartment in LA so he could be near his new girlfriend but have not contacted me to schedule a visit with the kids now that he is off their property.
I know that they are still having a tantrum because someone is putting conditions on them. When you have that much money, no one tells you what to do anymore and it has been a very long time since anyone has told them what they can and cannot do. I get that. But I have to protect myself, my children and the emotional welfare of my family.
I know I am doing the right thing here. But why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel so lonely for parents I never even had? The urge to rush back and comply, to appease in order to get back in their good graces is overwhelming.
Any support would be much appreciated. I don't have many friends and the ones I do really don't have a high opinion of my family and think I should cut them off completely. I just don't know if I can do that forever and if that is what I need to do, how do I do that without it eating me up inside?
Thank you for taking the time to read all of this...
Well you have enormous clarity. I've been in therapy for decades, al anon for a few years and I'm not sure I could explain so many of my issues as well as you can. Of course you are mourning your parents. You do indeed have the right to set limtis for your children and it sounds like you did that. Who said it was going to be easy?
I lived, ate breathed a lot of feelings about a sister who was put on a pedastel for years. Being in a group setting certainly helped me. Cut off's certainly help some of us. I did not speak to my parents for more than a decade once. I think it helped on some levels. Right now I have not spoken to either of my sisters for a few years. I sit with that some days. There are some days it hurts, other days it doesn't. If I were to engage with my sisters there would be a lot of boundaries there.
I want to compliment and support you for taking care of your children. They were "at risk" around your brother and you set limits around that. That took courage and commitment and that is notable. Not eveyrone can do that.
Learning how to detach may help. I can't say it came easily to me. The more I do it the better I get at it. Therapy defnitely helped being around peoplewho understood me and didn't judge me helped too. This group can help.
No one here is going to shoulda, coulda woulda you. No one can cure your parents, make them behave appropriately or even influence them. You have behaved with boundaries. They don't have them. They don't seem to want them either which seems to put your chlidren at risk. Of course we all still want parents as an adult. We want grandparents for our children. Some of us don't get them. That is a reason to grieve and be angry and remonstrate. You have a vehicle for it here. You can talk about that here. You can also talk abut your relaitonship with your brother. I have not seen or heard from my younger sister for a few years now but her alcoholism effected me profoundly. I am sure the more I delve into my fourth step the more I will see that.
Good for you for having the courage to look at such pain and take care of your chlidren.
Thank you for your kind reply to my post. When I came back to read your entry, I was almost in a panic and was going to delete it until I read what you had to say.
It isn't easy putting everything out there like this. When the topic of family comes up, I have gotten so used to getting by with comments like "My family is nuts, don't even get me started." that now that it has come time to deal with it, I feel ashamed and completely lost.
I like to think of myself as a stable person but lately I sure don't feel like it with my crying fits and feeling depressed half the time. I will work on the detachment. It sure isn't easy!
Thank you for your support and for making me feel like I have found a place where I can be understood. I guess my therapist was right for directing me here. :)
Rachel, welcome home. What you are feeling is very common for others who qualify to belong to this program. It's not about fixing them, heaven knows when or if they will ever see the light. What a huge leap of faith you took to share your most personel and painful situations. I know when I first came here I was so ashamed of my families actions and behaviors it took me ages to admit to it. I love that you have learned and practiced boundaries for you and your children. Praise the Lord the chain of insanity can be broken. I know it hurt me having expectations of what a parent should be like and realizing my mother would never fit that mold. What a blessing to realize I can begin anew with my own family and reach out to programs like this to help me along the way. Welcome home my friend, keep coming back, keep sharing, keep an open mind and make the choice to count your blessings today rather than your disappointments.
(((Rachael))) Hugs, I am so glad you or here, I mean that from the botttom of my heart. You are a brave person, a strong person, and most important a good mother. So many would have handled your situations differently, with money, family feelings and so much more involved. You made choices, choices that caused you problems and heartaches. But you did what you thought was the right thing. A member of this site wrote to one of my posts some months ago and told me to always do" the next right thing". I have a tremendous respect for this member, and I suggest you continue to do what you think is the "next right thing" as I have been doing since his suggestion. That is what we are about helping each other. What a wonderful program Al-Anon. I have always thought I was a good judge of character, you certainaly meet all the qualifacitions in my book. I admire you for you will and principles, which goes back to my statment on character. Character is not given it's is earned. Let me just say you have it, enough said!!
Rachael keep coming back, try to get to some face to face Al-Anon meeting in your area, even if it is to make contact at 8 mos. pregnant, you will meet some wonderful people that will care for and understand you just as the members here at MIP already do . RLC
My parents sound very much like yours, with the exception of being wealthy. It was painful for me to finally recognize just how dysfunctional the family dynamics are.
I think we all have a picture of what we would like our parents to be, and it's a kick in the seat of the pants when you have parents who don't understand unconditional love, enable another family member, and I have had to learn to parent myself, if that makes any sense. I realize my parents did the best that they could with what they had, but it was still dysfunctional.
Kudos to you for putting your children and their needs first. I know it's hard, and I completely understand that wanting your parents' approval.
My parents didn't approve of either of my pregnancies, and my mother went into no contact mode when I was pregnant with my youngest. That still stings when I think about it because I think every daughter wants to share the joys of her pregnancy with her mother.
Keep posting here and reading. You are not alone! (((hugs)))
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I agree with Maresie's assessment of your post. I think I got it!! I also think that was you are grieving is the "dream" of how you think life should go and how people should be treated. Maybe what is bruised most is your value system? That comes from my experience in recovery as you hit upon several times. I got taught very well how to treat others and then wasn't treated that way myself. That is one of the foundations for "black sheep". I didn't want to hang with the herd either and went to other pastures...alone. My family nick name? The Lone Ranger. With that came my own set of different experiences than if I had stayed in the family...It was far from perfect and it was my own.
Keep coming back. Listen for the suggestions both from your husband and the board. You will hear lots of us make the suggestion he gave you. Why? because it works and the consequences are miracles.
A huge THANK YOU to all of you! I am reading the ALANON book right now and am hung up on Step 2 as I am an agnostic. I just don't get the whole GOD thing but am trying to open my mind. The idea of letting all of this gunk go to something else is really great, in fact, I desperately want to believe. I just don't get it. I'm waiting for something to click or a light to go off or a sign to present itself...something but it's still just me in my head.
My mother has contacted me recently and I have been sitting with it. I know I have made progress because I haven't felt like my heart was being crushed like a tin can inside my chest. I practed Step 1 and just quietly observed what she said, my reactive feelings welling up and experienced a sense of detachment. It was quite beautiful actually.
I think part of what's hard for me with the God thing is because my mother is a bible thumper but doesn't practice what she preaches. She has a very high opinion of herself and believes she knows what is best for everyone and pretty much rubs most people the wrong way. I used to make excuses for her but I am starting to see that she really does think she knows everything and is preaching. This falls right in line with how my parents only think of themselves and never even consider how something is affecting anyone else.
She sent me an email that said:
"Let me share a prayer with you.
When you are in one room cleaning up, your children are in the other making another mess."
I still have no idea what this is supposed to mean. I am not going to respond. I just don't want to invite the drama. What's the point? I already know that if I express myself and stand my ground, it will aggravate the situation. I don't know how to stand my ground with my family and have a relationship with them. I don't know how any of you managed it with people like this. Do as I say, not as I do. Appease or be exiled. What is a girl to do?
Although it is very true that every woman wants to share her pregnancy with her mother, this is something that I am going to have to let go of. so I am making plans to have my last child without her help.
I don't know if this will reach you at this late date. It is my hope you are still in Alanon and are working through this. Most people will tell is that running away is the answer but it leaves is with a void and the reason is we are not practicing God's principles. Distance is fine but God gave us one mother and father and the key is in accepting them without any expectations on their part. Visits for children supervised by you or now that the brother is gone might work if you keep an open channel of coin ovation with the kids. Also, we can ask peo
We can ask people questions with respect such as, Did you by any chance put your hand over Johnny's mouth? Gossip always gets us into trouble ESP when we get caught. I would be angry if someone into family told another person I was a freeloader. Your brother is a sick person yet you invited him into your homhe. Is there something you wanted? His or another's approval? Someone to odd jobs around the house? See we set ourselves up then blame others who are sick like us albeit with perhaps different symptoms.
I know the pain of wanting approval from parents who can't give it. It's not that they won't, they simply can't. I have highly educated extremely successful and VERY well thought of parents yeti mother is a control freak narcissist who dominates my father who is a people pleaser - their marriage came back together by the need to "save " me - the Bad One.
I also know from my further painful work in ACA that they each had at least one sick parent which was hidden well too.
For me this is about healthy boundaries without abandment.
Listen... Everyone's ego wants to win in the family too...you and I have recovery.
Keep at it until the extremes of guilt vs rage and sadness get more to the middle of God's love for you and for them.
God bless you. Nice work.
