The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Whatever happened along the way there were good times surely. There were time when the A cared, took care of, wanted a relationship. Whatever happened to him, whatever his drug addiction did, he became wanting a ATM relationship with me. I left the A a year ago, hung around for a long time taking care of things, last summer I rescued him for the last time and took care of him for a few months. Then months later I took care of him again, moved some stuff for him, helped him out and that was the last time. Since then I have not spoken t him, interacted with him, asked about him, or even sought him out. Those of you who are in Al anon know that that meant I detached and detached and detached some more. Regularly he calls on my cell phone, he calls then calls back and calls back again. Now and again he'll leave a message demanding something. I have got to the point where I don't answer. I've said long enough I have nothing to give him. I've said it and he pushes the ATM one more time.
I realise now there were ways for years I allowed him to push my buttons. I didn't have the presence to cover those buttons. I had them out there for him to push. This morning he calls and leaves hic charecteristic message the one that indicates he's surrounded by his friends having a great time. At one time that would drive me to a frenzy of abandonment. He wa sout having a geat time while I was alone in obsession and isolation and fea rand loneliness and anger. Except of course now I am not. So when I hear the message of him laughitng with friends (which is deliberate I know) I just go hmm and erase it without even a second thught. Funny how lovely it it to see those triggers pass me by. Never though I would smile when someone went out of their way to provoke me.
Of course there are tons of things I can do to stop him calling me, change my number for certain which I will do in time,my time, not his time. In time I'm sur he'll go to another ATM because this one ran dry. There are no more funds, recognition, emotions for him here. I am not here for him to "use" as he sees fit. I want a reciprocal relationship not an abandonment proposal. I gave him all the power for all those years, he's not going to decide when I change my phone number. He can call and call and leave messages intended to trigger me and now with Al anon I do and say nothing. What strength that is. My days of giving my power away are gone. I'm no longer abandoned, raging, frightened, alone, fearful, desperate. I have a program, I'm working it and for once I see the progress. I may want other progress but there is progress and I feel better.
Oh, how I identify with that post! ATM relationship....yep, that describes it well. My AH and I are separated now, have been for about a month. He calls now and then, doesn't want anything except to kind of sound pitiful and lonely....after all the years I spent lonely, and he wouldn't listen, it kinda falls on deaf ears now. He says he misses me. When I was there he said he hated me and wanted a divorce. They always want what they can't have, and don't appreciate what they do have, I guess. Congrats on your continued growth and it will only keep getting better. Look how far you've come! We will make it!
