Whenever I go through a break-up, I have to take time out to  mend my emotional & ego wounds. I have never been able to have a present relationship, if I am hurt or thinking about the past. And I don't want to take my old junk & muddle up the new, it's not fair to me & certainly not fair to the other person. I spend time alone until I feel I can emerge all new and ready & willing for the next relationship. I am a hopeless romantic and I love love.

With that being said, even if I find someone I want to be with, most of us aren't that used to expressing ourselves emotionally. Emotional intelligence is something I have always strived for and worked hard at. In fact, I can be pretty annoying b/c I kick the dead horse, pick at it, chop it up, rearrange it, pour gasoline on it, set it on fire and then salt the earth afterwards. Yes, I have some trouble letting things go... I want to make sure I have exhausted every avenue before I move on to the next challenge. I often have a conversation, go home, think about it & days later, will call & pick it up as if the days didn't go by, same conversation for me.

Emotional intimacy is very important to me, I want to be understood. I also believe it is vital that you not ask anything of another, that you aren't willing to give or do yourself. I notice ppl being hypocritcal in this regard. I have worked diligently and held to being completely honest since I was a little kid. I keep getting disappointed/angry b/c I expect ppl that say they are "honest" to actually be that way. My brutal honesty disarms & even frightens ppl. Seems like the only ppl that can really handle my truths are here, in alanon. 
     I will give you the benefit of the doubt until you do lie to me and then the trust is gone & I am never quite the same with you. Trust is given freely, for me, call me naieve but if you screw it up, that's it. You are likely to never get it back completely, even if you do earn it back in every other way, you dug a hole from the beginning.

So, not everyone can handle honesty, not all ppl deserve total honesty ( I am learning that one too), a great percentage of ppl think white lies are insignificant, they don't have emotional intelligence or maturity and I am talking about non-A's. We all have issues to work on, so they don't convolude our relationships. I am introspective and into therapy. Soul seraching is painful, not a lot of ppl spend their time doing it or working on themselves.

I have found that when I am working on myself & focusing on me and not at all intersted in finding someone, is when I meet someone really great. If I look for someone, I tend to pull an A out of thin air. I do not want to be involved w/ another A. I can have fun &/or go out but that is it, i won't get invested. This has been hard for me too b/c I get attached to almost everyone. I have so much love for others, I had to realize that I had an overflow of love. But I always wanted more & was told I couldn't expect to get all of that from one person. I never could believe that. I have to have my far out idealisations. I believe one day I will acheive all that I desire.

You say, you know how not to act. I assume, you also know what you don't want. I got that from my exAH, oh boy, I had a laundry list of what I didn't want. So as long as it didn't feel like that, I was okay. Still, having to keep my ears & eyes open and I am very literal, so I really had to learn to detach from what ppl said and watch what they do, A's & non-A's alike. Just too many broken promises for me. I have learned that slamming my head in the car door, just makes it keep hurting.

I think part of disengaging & being detached, falls into line with what women in my family have told me from the beginning whn I first noticed guys. They say, don't chase them - which hasn't worked for me, I may have fun but it doesn't last. Men do want to be the 'hunter', they have to instigate it, otherwise they aren't that interested. Man, I hate these dumb games but I only tried to apply it after 35 & it works!  We want to be pursued anyway, so let them.  You can make the first move, sure ok, but they have to do the majority of the pursuing from then on.
   I was also told that I have to have my own busy, fascinating life. When we have a lot going on, we are more interesting to others. I sure know I like a man doing things as opposed to not. How is he going to entertain me? I don't want to be impressed, just entertained and delighted.

Focus on you, love yourself, be creative and happy. When a man does express interest, well, I did this with my last b/f...  and I will use some astrology here b/c it is what I understand (hope u can bear with me) -  but he is an acquarius and I always liked geminis which are air signs too. I read about acquarian men, they are very unattached to everything, "here today, gone tomorrow" is what he once said to me and I felt abandonned ( I am an aries/pisces and I attach to everything and am very emotional).

Once he had said I called him too much. So for months I never called him at all for anything. if he called and I wanted to see him, I did, if I wasn't really motivated, I told him, "No". This was a HUGE deal for me, in the past, if I were in ahorrible mood or bored and if a guy called, I'd instantly be in a good mood & want to be available. No one should be available all the time for another, that is a part of understanding & being mature. Sometimes, we're busy.

I had reminded my b/f that he had said these things to me in the past & he didn't recall it. I just took what he said and reacted to it. But b/c I wasn't smothering, like usual, gave him lots of space and acted uninterested and unimpressed by him, he worked so much harder to get my attention. This is the first time I really applied it well. He asked me to marry him last weekend.

Anything is possible and once you are ready for the new and different, with willingness and open mindedness, we can acheive anything we may want. Be clear about what you are asking for too, sometimes we may ask for something but it comes in a package we may not recognize. Or I've read ppl praying for a million dollars and they have a tragic accident and get the settlement but are injured for life. I no longer pray for anything but understanding god's will for me/us.

"I feel like I will never be able to get really close to anyone ever again" - Jean

Surely you have intimate friends here. It depends on what you want. We can be close physically and not close emotionally and vice versa. I had to look deep within and make sure I had good n healthy inner emotional boundaries. in the past if anyone I loved was not happy, I'd feel it pull at me like a hook, just drawing energy away. i knew logically that I should be fine if my loved one was not. I can still be compassionate & empathetic but I don't have to be a host and have my energy robbed/sucked out. That was on me to learn to be "okay" no matter what. The last 2 yrs, I have worked hard on this, it's so much stronger/better now. My love is no longer at the whim of others. My love is growing within myself, for myself.
   Two yrs ago, I spoke of loving myself and having so little, I had to start at a fraction of 1%. I accepted that I loved myself .25%, that was all I could muster. it was a shock too b/c I had a lot of love, just none for me. Well, I have much more love than that for me now and it shows. My decisions are healthier & I am glowing and growing.

Get busy with your life, do some fun & new activities or go just look at something with brand new eyes, like it's the first time you are experiencing it, something new & surprising just might happen.

I think if you want to love again, you def will, just start with you! 
Lots of hope, encouragement & love to you! -k 

With regard to what Kitty said: There is a book called " The Rules" " The Rules II" by now there may be others.
The rules two may be more for more mature women as opposed to teenage girls??
Doesn't matter... they are good basis for what works-

I never have really put them into practice but I watched my daughter practice them and wow... what results!!!

Marriage proposals etc.

One guy even turned from being detached to a absolute stalker!! so I guess you have to be careful with what works.

Alanon for mental and emotional health, things that interest us and a busy life that doesn't relvolve around Men and the basics of the rules applied in life would make relationships of all kinds better
(they mimic the idea of healthy detachment but are not as intellicutal)
all that and I think good relationships would probably just happen.
Talking to myself here!!!
The idea in the books is that you HAVE to do these "rules" from the first of the relationship or they do not work. Probably works more to the womans advantage and is much faster and eaiser ...but I think the "theory" could be put into practice at any stage and help.


Suggested reading for every female...great if you get the books before you meet they guy!!!

-- Edited by glad at 14:43, 2008-08-02

-- Edited by glad at 14:48, 2008-08-02

-- Edited by glad at 14:53, 2008-08-02

Actually I see you making great great progress. This man seemed great, you were excited, but when you learned he had an issue you took yourself out of the proposal.  I settled for an abandonment proposal before.  Hey can I make you second best? hey can I put drugs first, friends and family second and you last. I'd jump at that. Anything to climb onto a relationship.  Really it was lose lose for me.

I see that you are no longer willing to settle and that is indeed progress. You are willing to do the work of looking and that takes a lot of strength.  You do have to look to find someone. Those that appear out of nowhere tend to have something going on for them. Oh how I settled, the boss, the guy who I met by chance, the room mate (the A was once my room mate and he wasn't the first).  I didn't want to date look, say no thanks.

Years ago a friend of mine said that she felt like dating was saying no thank you and often. I had no clue about what she meant.  I felt totally attached and committed even before a date.  I was wired that way. Al anon is wiring me different. So maybe your attachments will be different but they will be healthier. Even this one was healthier you didn't have a long dragged out calamity to say bye bye did you?  That's health, that's progress that's a future that undoubtedly contains somene who can be present for you.

Maresie.

well, you guys, this is a good read...I definitely am NOT looking for a husband or even a live-in situation so "the rules" may not be where its at for me...I am 44, just getting back on my independent feet again, professionally and am looking forward to just working and being my own girl- maybe forever...

I do have people I connect with and am very close to, it just seems impossible to have that AND the romantic part, TOO. Its like they are mutually exclusive or something. Like I cannot cross those wires or I will get electrocuted.

I know that whatever is going on with hawaii guy is whatever I need to be going thru, I guess. I am so not head over heels in love with him or anything but gee, you know, its kind of nice to go out and do things with someone, have some fun, etc. I certainly do not need to only do this with this guy who is 5000 miles away and who I may only see once or twice per year. I can cultivate this kind of thing with others closer to home, it seems to me. But the FEELINGS, when they come and then they go- really freak me out, man! I really do dislike any kind of powerful feelings- they make me feel so powerless and dumb. I am trying to be gentle but I have had moments recently where I am kicking myself for even heading back to Honolulu to hang out with this guy- like: WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING putting myself right there in the crosshairs again? I mean- CMON!!

We had a lot of fun. I get on the plane and head home and sure, I feel sad because the playtime is over. Then again, I am thinking part of it is the stellar location, right?! I mean, who WOULDNT have fun toodling around Honolulu for a week, right?! Because now, I am just tired. I had fun, it was nice but it was not the best thing in the whole universe. He is just a guy. He is an A. He is a narcissist, probably. I mean, he is 54 and hasnt been married or even lived with anyone longer than a couple of months- something must be up with this one- don't u think?

I have done a pretty good job of detaching. I am working on myself and my own career transition, moving to a new city, new job, etc. My future is bright and my present is a-ok. Sometimes I feel very overwhelmed but I keep thinking that HP has some purpose here that I do not understand. HP brings people into my life and I may not know why for a long time. I have no idea why this guy is in my life (if you could call it that- he really isnt "in" my life, he is off to the side- lol!) or what he is doing here. I just hand it off to HP and figure when the time is right for me to understand, I will. Just like with my decision to get divorced- boy when HP let me know, i was really to make the move and not a moment before. I just woke up one morning and bingo, the moment had arrived- I have to assume that everything is like this- until I know, I won't and thats intentional. Hp knows whats best for me.

I just sometimes feel kind of retarded. A late bloomer (really late). Must be some good reason for it- hugs and thanks for listening and adding your comments- J.

Aloha Jean!!

That seems awful sad for sure.  What I learned in Al-Anon is that I expect
perfection from others while overlooking my own defects of character.  While
I expect acceptance of myself as I am from others I do not afford the same
thing to others.  So the amends.  I no longer expect perfection and afford
as much acceptance and grace to others as they go thru my life the imperfect
humans I am.  Getting close is not giving myself away anymore.  Of course
getting close wasn't a big problem for the guy that used to be named "The
Lone Ranger".  I get close and remain myself while accepting that the others
remain themselves too.  If things go astray...as things do I can handle them
in that moment.  I don't allow myself or others to trample my value systems.
If that happens (and it doesn't happen very often now do to grace and
acceptance) I will handle it in that moment in an appropriate manner.  Of
course I keep my relationships with alcoholics and addicts loving and attached
mostly in spirit. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".  They
are sick and I'm not capable of getting them (or anyones else for that matter)
well if they are not aware, willing or able. 

I get close and not close enough to consign myself over to anyone but my
HP.

(((((hugs)))))

Jerry and THSKS, you guys really did hit the nail on the head- yeah, I am re-defining "close" and you are right, my original definition of what "close" was, was really dysfunctional and not healthy...really good food for thought here, thank you everyone for your 2 cents, really thought provoking.

I spent ALOT of very very close time with my HP yesterday as I was traveling. Every single moment, we were talking. Every single moment. I went through ALOT of feelings and I did not abandon myself and I totally attached myself to HP throughout. It worked out really really well. I feel good today. I feel serenity today. I did not: react, over react, make any decisions or judgements, say anything to anyone, lash out, withdraw, do anything to stuff myself or my feelings, etc. I just kept it steady as she goes and kept on moving and it all turned out just fine. I worked my program one moment at a time all day yesterday- all day long. I will continue to do this, one moment at a time.

Thanks for helping me to keep it real. I am close to the one that its always best to be close to: HP. The rest will sort itself out. Hugs and love in serenity- J.

Jean - from where I'm sitting, it looks like you weren't ready to "jump in" with anyone anyway. Your posts seemed pretty clear that this was going to be just a fun thing in your life. I don't think you sounded ready to "get close" or "fall head over heels in love" with this guy or anyone else at this moment. Was his drinking every night your "out" for getting close? I know sometimes I sniff around a situation until I can justify my feelings. And I don't question for one second your assessment of this guy - but am just throwing it out there that maybe a problem was what you were looking for, so you would be "off the hook" and feel justified in not getting close. You called him an "A" in your post even. Did he really show all the signs of A-ism? Again - not doubting that you saw some flags - but just wondering if your fear of intimacy is throwing roadblocks out there for ya.

I think it's great that you've dipped your toes back in the water - just don't let this one situation with this one guy make you think you need to stay out of the water permanently.

Jean - you're my kindred spirit - and you always seem to be further along the path than I am. That's why I'm watching so closely. My life is going to be changing in 3 weeks when my A arrives home and moves in with me. I'm excited and nervous and happy and terrified. I know I can count on you and everyone here to shed some light on things for me as I encounter situations that will certainly come up. I'm counting on that.

Anyway - keep going along the path, and paying attention to things along the way. But don't ever let someone else's actions make you question yourself. You've done too much work to let that happen.

Peace,
R3