The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I am doing my 4th step I am having to look at some of my charactor traits, one of them is real stubornness. Ask me to do something and my attachment to doing the opposite is right up there. When people suggested I leave the A I felt that I needed to be even more committed to the relationship to show them I could "make" him behave. I can laugh about this now.
One of my core issues is following a program. I want to make up one of my own. Of course I know where that got me.
I have found following HALT (hungry, lonely angry tired) to be so hard. I would dodge it. I would complain about it. I would say that I felt HALT all the time, which is true at certain points that is all I felt.
Today I was in a HALT place, real nasty sticky icky place. Didn't like it one bit Rather than withdraw into a sulk, feel sorry for me (toxic stuff) I decided to address, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. I am all of them of course. I get very little R & R in my life now (working to change that). I acknowledged it, was "willing". I went with it. I didn't push myself, berate myself, chide myself, chide the program(one of my favorite activities) and more. I just went with it, I addressed the HALT. I can't say it went away. I am still in HALT but I feel cared for rather than self abandoned.
Progress one small step at a time. I can act normal even though I don't feel normal. I can act as is until I feel as is.
Maresie...this is real good input for my thinker. I read it slow and I identified with the resistance to advise or suggestions. I found for me that my greatest emotional character defect was fear and got help with amending my fear to caution. Instead of just not going toward the cliff at all or rushing off of it without hestitation I approach situations more slowly and with a very open mind and the willingness to ask for ESH.
Oh Maresie, I had a day from hell yesterday and I was so so screwed up I did not even stop to think about where I was, what I was doing, what I was not doing.
I now realise that I was H A L T all at the same time.
Today, after reading your post I am going to put that into perspective and address each and everyone of those:
HUNGRY - yes, then go eat something.
ANGRY - then do something about my situation as it is and breathe slowly and let the anger WORK FOR ME.
LONELY - reach out to someone for a hug, (HERE GOES DID YOU GET THAT ONE MARESIE) and go find someone who needs a chat... yeah just chat about this and that with my grand-daughter...hey why did I not think of that before.
TIRED- then REST - have a care-for-me-day, the chores will be there tomorrow and does it really matter if I don't get my place prestine...let it be live in and I mean lived in - I will live then and not exist for the next chore?
Thank you for this this morning Maresie...as it is, it is just about mid-day here so I am going to go prepare lunch and chill for at least TWO hours. Then I will look at the rest of the day.
Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 06:59, 2008-08-02
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
Maresie, Congrat's on starting your 4th step. I have just started mine as well and something tells me it may take awhile, I have always had a talent for justifying my actions.
Fortunately I have a very compassionate and understanding sponsor who is available anytime I need her.
Good luck with yours.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
yeah just chat about this and that with my grand-daughter...