The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i have come to realize a few things today...maybe just getting more honest with myself here
my real problems had have nothing to do with alcohol use..drug use...other people...other relationships
i am simply..on some level..just a scared and frieghtened person..who has let others walk over him and at times dictate to me what i should do..who i should talk to..how i should act
i think my lack of self worth has been with me for many years and i think it has taken me into situations where i have had to learn to pull myself up by the bootstraps and i can honestly say...besides being my own worst enemy..i can honestly say that i have given my life over to the care of other people for a very very very long time in the sense that i have put their needs...thoughts...advise and vision in front of my own
my story has to do with an insecure and sensitive neglected and abused child who got into drugs and alcohol at an early age..never had much need for people and emotions and who now is paying the price for the neglect i had encountered
not only do i feel ashamed..lost nervous and pitiful...yes..i feel pitiful..i also feel stronger and more self reliant
i have to give it all over to my higher power..but my 'need' to let others emotions and fears take me over is something which i really really really need to work on..accept and change
Charles - What you write about is not at all foreign to me. While I didn't escape into drugs or alcohol - I escaped nonetheless. I tend to be a real people-pleaser and get my strokes from being agreeable to others. All the while sinking a little lower and lower myself. Many times feeling completely worthless. Invisible. Replaceable in the lives of those I love.
That's the pitiful side of me.
I try not to "give in" to all of that very often. Because it'll bring me flat on my face on the floor pretty quickly. Literally.
When I see myself going down that "poor me" path, I do my best to try to remind myself that "worth" was divinely instilled in me. No matter what the people in my life do, think, say, or feel about me. My worth has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with those people. They can neither give me worth nor take it away. It has nothing to do with them. It's between me and my HP.
You're on the right path by turning it all over to your HP.
I can definitely be a people pleaser in fact I'd say I'm in withdrawal from that all the time. I'm also someone who over extends my boundaries. My boundaries were obliterated as a child. I simply was not permitted to have any!
The issue for me is to set limits is hard. I think I had to practice a great deal to get even to a starting point with it. We have to walk and be awkward before we can run. I am someone who has addictive tendencies so while I can see the root of my addiciton is in child neglect and abuse and more, I'd have to say that I do still have an issue with it. No matter where I am in my recovery say I do not think I will go back to social drinking. The decisions I made while drinking and the company I kept was very reckless. I also have to really watch my nutrition and eating habits. I can turn to food in a second. I can also turn to isolating which is one reason why it is hard to be a codependent because you can't simply disappear off the face of the earth. I have to interact on some level.
You might want to take a look at a Step Four workbook, even if you aren't ready for a full Step Four just now. Part of Step Four is honest inventory of your faults, but the other part is honest inventory of your strengths. If you had a list in front of you of your strengths and good qualities, it might help to face some of that fear. Some of the questions in the workbook might help you sort through this a bit.
One of the big realizations for me, that helped in making changes in my life, was seeing that I deserved better than the life I had given myself. When I could say to myself and (mostly) mean it, "I deserve to be treated with respect", I started getting more respect.
