The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you all know I have been reading the book. the night of the gun by David Carr which is a recovery memoir of sorts. In the book he talks about what was the worst night for him in the drugging. For me, like David Carr, there were many many worst nights in dealing with the A. There were nights I felt absolutely suicidal, nights I felt totally grief stricken and "stuck" and also nights I was worried sick. There were so many nights where the boundaries were crossed, where I went to places I swore I would never go to and then I went ack there again. There were also numerous mornings after where I regretted the screaming and crying and begging and more. There were mornings where I literally hated him. There were mornings when I just wanted him dead, it seemed easier to imagine him dead ( I didn't take any action because after all he was doing plenty of that!).
There were years where I totally lost myself in a seas of reaction, shame and blame. I had no life left to pick up.
Now I do have a life but its a very meager put together one. I barely make it. I am taking care of myself but on a fairly low level.
I can't even count the number of last nights for me. I know I have stopped largely feeling enraged all the time. I still feel sorry for myself regularly. I still feel frustrated and more. But I feel like I'm moving towards a place where there will be no more last times for me. Maesie.
Oh don't I empathise with you on that chain of events and waves of thinking and being. And what'smore is seemed to go on and on and on and over and over and over. Twenty years on and my life is meager and tough and yet I can say not totally demoralising and overwhelming in the way it was in the being years.
I have learned how to progress and change me and my outlook and actually love me and value my life for what it potentially could be now that I am just me.
Something that helped me reconsider my perception and thought processes, is this Maresie:
"We FEEL as a result of the way we THINK...we THINK as a result of the way we have LEARNED."
Keep on going Maresie, you inspire me with your tenacity. Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah at 06:45, 2008-08-02
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I hear you. I can remember feeling trapped with no place to turn. How do I get out? How do I leave? What can I do? Why, why, why? Well, he left and that seemed to be my biggest fear. I am surviving. Now I hope to recover.
This is a good post for me to read Maresie, thank you for writing it. Those horrible nights. They were endless. Whole weekends. Whole weeks. It was so horrible. I will never go there again or allow myself to live like that again. Thanks for the reminder as I fly 5000 miles away from an A. I will not get myself into any position where I will need to take care of him: living together, traveling together, staying together for any length of time, etc. I will never loan him money, etc. Great reminder of what it was and what it will never be again (for me- sounds like for you, too!) Hugs, J.
Good one Maresie! Brought me back to a night when I was severely pregnant and the A was giving me the silent treatment for no apparent reason. I went out in the middle of the night, got in the ar and drove up the street, parked and screamed and cried for a couple of hours. I felt so awful and I kept thinking that the A was going to wake up, find me not there and come looking for me. Yeah, nope. I finally pulled it together and cried myself to exhaustion and the A was still asleep.
Gratitude doesn't even cover the feeling I have at this moment knowing that I will never ever have to do that again.
You may feel your life is very meagerly put together right now, but look how far you've come! When I feel down on myself, and feel like I'm not "together" enough, I remind myself of the horror I have lived thru. Sometimes I can't imagine I am even still breathing.....but I AM! And so are you. Baby steps. One breath at a time.
You are doing great! Sometimes we just can't see what other people can see in us.
