"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

HEARTBROKEN IN NJ · Senior Member

Update and Information Needed On Rehab

Mandy123 · ~*Service Worker*~

NJ,
I am not sure about your question...it probably depends on the facility. My hub was given the same choice jail or treatment. His facility gave him a period of time that he could not have any contact with the "outside".

I would suggest that his sponsor contact the facility and find out for himself.

Yours in recovery,
Mandy

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

I think it definitely depends on the facility.... Many rehabs don't allow any visitors or outside contact at all, particularly early on...... In some cases, patients can "earn" the right to call home or other outsiders.... At this point in his recovery, he likely doesn't "need" to talk to you, OR his sponsor.... He needs to listen to the counsellors inside the facility, and allow them to help save his life.

Hoping for good results....

Tom

p.s. at the facility where my wife got sober, there was visiiting hours from 1-3pm on Sundays only, so I would take the kids down there and they got to visit with their Mom for that time only.

stariana · Veteran Member

When my hubby was in rehab, there was no outside contact, in person OR phone calls, for a certain amount of time (like 2 weeks or something), and then visiting hours only at certain times. I'm sure his sponsor could get the information from the facility he's at.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm really more interested in what you are feeling and doing than what the A can do.

Maresie.

stormie · Senior Member

When my husband went to a 30-day rehab, he wasn't allowed to use the phone or have visitors for about or a week or so. There are good reasons behind this restriction.

Then, after a week or so, he was able to use the phone for 5 to 10 minutes maximum. Visitors were allowed on the weekends at specific times.

Have the sponsor contact the facility. All are different.

It's best to leave him alone in then for a while. Great time to start concentrating on you.

HEARTBROKEN IN NJ · Senior Member

How am I feeling... well, at first I was mad (really mad) maybe for selfish reasons. Its weird though, I'm not the kind of person that usually gets mad. Now I guess I'm just dissappointed. He had a long stretch where he had been doing so well. I backed away from him several months ago because I had a feeling he was out partying again. And I was proved correct (not just by this occurance, but by other things that happened at that time) We still talked and stuff, but I havent seen him in months. Dont even remember the last time I saw him.

I know he's in the right place and hopefully he can get the help he so desperately needs so he can move on with his life and live a "normal" life.

At the end of our relationship, I told him that no matter what happened we'd always remain "friends" and that I'd be there whenever I could to lend an ear, give a hug, or talk him through those tough times. I also told him that unless he gives up drinking, etc., that their could be no future with us as far as relationships go.

I am going to have his sponsor contact the rehab place to see what the visiting hours are, if any. I know this initial part of his recovery is important and its important to follow all the rules set down, but I also know that his sponsor and I are the only two people in this world that he will listen to especially now that he's in the situation he is in.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

You know I was always "there" for the A I was with. Last summer I helped him out tremendously, paid for a place for him to stay, paid for his food, paid for it all. I then had to look at it wasn't reciprocal. He totalled my truck and made a claim on the insurance and guess what he kept it all for himself. Didn't give me a penny! So much for my good work he used my kindness as weakness and stomped all over me!

In some ways that outrageous conduct helped me. I got to the end of my rope with his demands and needs and wants. I let him assume them, he's an adult, he can make his own decisons, he made them anyways now he can accept the consequences of his actions whatever they are I have no interest anymore. The A still calls, oh he feels I owe him. I don't answer the phone. I will never answer the phone. He will never get one more word or deed out of me. I have ended it. I can't stop him from calling but if he were to come anywhere near me I'd have him arrested in a heartbeat (I already have a restraining order). I'm "done' I have had it with his never ending needs, wants and demands. There never was an end to them and his interpretation of "fair' is "me me me and me and then some more me". That's fair to an active alcoholic. I no longer hold onto the idea that he 'needs' me or I promised. There has to be a reciprocity in there for me. Feeling sorry for them is not necessarily a healthy way to be. There are other ways to be "needed" that don't involve sacrifice and compromise and giving till you drop.

maresie.

HEARTBROKEN IN NJ · Senior Member

That must be the 'norm' for alcoholics, they take and take and take. You're right, it's always "me, me, me". When I used to date my ex, he'd hardly ever offer to pay for anything we did. It came to the point, where when the bill came for dinner or something I would just continue our conversation ignoring the fact that the bill was sitting in front of us. Eventually he'd pay for it. Dont get me wrong, I have no problem paying for a dinner, but when it becomes expected, then I have a problem.

As for his rehab, I called over there yesterday and they said ABSOLUTELY NO VISITORS, NO PHONE CALLS, NO CONTACT WITH ANYONE OUTSIDE THE FACILITY, not even his sponsor. This is for his ENTIRE stay at rehab. From what I've heard, this is only like a temporary facility and I dont know how long he'll be there. I believe he will be moved into another rehab when a bed opens up. When that will happen, I dont know.

The one thing my ex hates is being alone. Maybe this will be good for him. I certainly hope so. I hope he uses this opportunity to speak with counsellors that can help him.

Regardless of what him and I went through, my heart still breaks that he's going through all this but he did it to himself. Maybe him getting pulled over was a blessing. Now he is forced to be somewhere that they can hopefully help him.

I just wish I could stop thinking about him. I hate knowing that he's hurting and that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help. I guess thats my motherly instincts; who knows.

I'll be busy with my kids all weekend, so hopefully my thoughts of him will subside.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Don't have your heart breaking for this - this is the best thing that could happen to him. It's not hitting bottom or going to rehab that is the tragedy, it's the years and years of pain that have been hiding inside the behaviour, for all this time.

Please don't allow yourself to be his conduit to the 'rest of' the world. Your only responsibility in this is your own relationship to him. If his sponsor wants to have a relationship, he can do it himself. If your A wants human contact, relationships, a connection to the world, he needs to reach out and learn how to have these himself. It's flattering, and makes us feel "special" to be the only one whom he can communicate with. However, it is not in our best interests, or in the A's. He doesn't need a lifeline - he needs to learn how to swim.

HEARTBROKEN IN NJ · Senior Member

I do know this is the best thing that could have happened. I just wish he chose to do it on his own, and wasnt forced to choose between rehab or face jail time.

Its hard for me not to have a broken heart over it. He really really is a decent guy, its just that he has this addiction. I think one of the hardest things for me to deal with is that he lied to me. He swore up and down that he wasnt drinking and driving. If he drank, he'd give his keys to one of his buddies and either stayed out at their home, or had the buddy drop him off. I know that alcohol alters your mental state and often gives you a false sense of security, but he knew better than to get behind the wheel of a car. My anger now is directed towards his friends. They knew if he got caught drinking and driving that he'd lose his license forever. And, they promised me that they'd look out for him.

I wish I was a fly on the wall at the rehab place. Rehab is something I was never exposed to and wish I knew what went on there. Just so I had a better understanding of this whole process. I also wish I knew how long he'd be there.

I think one of the things I can be thankful for is the fact that my current boyfriend has been so supportive of me. He asks me everyday if I've heard from him or his family or friends. He has offered to go with me to the rehab place when and if he is allowed visitors. He has offered to go with me to Alanon meetings. He asks me numerous times a day if I'm ok, or if I need to talk. After being with my ex a for so long, its so different being involved with someone without the disease. Someone that actually cares about someone other than themself. I almost forgot what that was like. I've been with my current b/f for a little more than 5 months and my relationship with him is an absolute pleasure. Although I am so happy at this point in my life, I will always have that soft spot in my heart for my ex. I know that if he didnt have this disease, or if it was controlled, we would have spent the rest of our lives together because the love I had for him was so different than they love I've ever had for another man. I suppose all things happen for a reason though and am so thankful that I am happy! Who knows, maybe this was Gods plan for me. Maybe just maybe I'll fall in love again one day.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"