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One step forward two back I have finally realised I have to accept my Ab for who he really is and have really been trying to but out of his life. the only prob is the more i realise I carnt change him the more I think our relationship can not work. At the mo he is trying not to drink and is doing alright and has been really tryin were our relaionship is concerned. however he told me the other day he is not an A thinks he can do it all anlone I know the cycle. prob is since the drama has stoped lots of my issuees are coming to the serface. I have lots of resentments which I dont think i can forget the pain is killing me i think he slept with one of my friends two years ago and I have bben in denial. He says he hasnt but I do not believe him. I dont trust him and his life is a mess. My life is great and the more i concentrate on me the better it gets. I dont want to be on the merry go round and play the role of provocker. I have told him I need time to concentrate on my recovery. i am using this infidelity as an excuse to keep my boundary as this is a problems of mine setting boundaries and taking care of me. I know I care for him and I keep telling my self he is ill and if he was unfaithful it was the A but I am sick of understanding others what about me So confused tryin to stay focused on me realise I am addicted to him I have come so far. But still fear life snd future
I read your post and can relate to alot of your feelings. The resentment...the trust issues..addicted to the A...lots. I'm glad to hear you are working on you.
No one can tell you what to do in regards to your bf. The only suggestion I can make is to keep working on you and try some Al-Anon meetings if you can. Go from there.
You said: "prob is since the drama has stoped lots of my issuees are coming to the serface".
When my addict finally got sober, that is when I had to face myself and take a hard look at me and what I was doing. It was at this point that I realized I had many resentments towards my bf - still do to a point. This I think is normal, but incredibly hard to work through. Someone finally said to me, "you don't have to pretend the past didn't happen, it did..but you can't change it so try to learn from it and move foward in a positive way". That helped me alot. As for trust issues...that is a hard one. Sometimes trust can be brought back. Sometimes not. Earning and gaining trust back after there have been issues is a very, very long journey. It takes alot of time, patience, honesty and work! This journey includes trusting in yourself and your gut feelings, I think. I think when we loose ourselves because we are so wrapped up in others, we stop trusting us. I know I lost myself big time! And its scary to trust your inner self again. I'm just now starting to learn that I can trust my judgements and myself, that I am ok and will be ok no matter what. You will be too! Try not to be so scared of your future...one person said to me, don't think of all the bad what ifsss..instead, think of the what if notss...and remember..you are not alone...
I don't believe the A I was with was ever unfaithful to me. He was, however, always spending far more time with his family and friends then he did with me. I was last on the list. That caused toxic, really toxic resentment for me.
I have to look at my resentments daily. There are normal resentments it is hard to live with others, work around others and deal with people period. Some people put on a great show but it is hard for all of us. Dealing with an alcoholic can be very very difficult. I deal with alcoholics where I live I couldn't wish for a more difficult group of people to be around. They are self absorbed to the limit. Nevertheless with al anon I do deal with them and most days it does not consume me.
There are lots of issues in a love addiction (many of us have this issue), there is the attraction, which is almost magnetic for some of us. Then there is the trust issue.
For me these days having left the A I have had to note that I bypassed the red flags I saw for a long long time I let the A totally run all over my boundaries. These days I patrol and monitor my boundaries day in day out. They are not perfect but they are there.
When we get to detachment we stop being overly concerned with other people's issues and work on our own. Then relationships became easier, less a cause for obsession because we are looking at our boundaries all the time.
You are getting there. Love addiciton is a hard thing to deal with. There are lots of texts on it, like the book by Pia Melody I throughly recommend. Rome is not built in a day. If you are codependent it probably was there before you met the A. Now you have a chance to change things. Be kind to yourself, work the steps (that helps a lot) and keep looking at your options. It isn't necessarily black or white but lots gray.
He is still struggling with Step 1. That's ok. Its what he has to do. You just do what you need to do. There may be no "working on us" for awhile, esp if he is not able to stay sober yet. You can just work on you and let it ride for awhile. You don't really have to do anything about it right now.
I always thought I had to be the fixer. I had to find a way to fix all my relationships anytime there was a problem. Now I know fixing me is the best first step. Often the relationship evolves to a healthier level. If not then there's probably nothing I could have done anyway.
I think our fears that the relationship cannot work are also very common. As I learn and grow I find that I am much more resilient and so are my relationships. Also I have found that I was very rigid in my thinking. I really had an all or nothing kind of mindset. Now I can set reasonable boundaries and let some things go.
There are things I will not stand for, like active drug use in my home, physical abuse, constant chaos, etc. Those are some of my solid boundaries that do not bend no matter what. Other things I can now be ok with temporarily as long as I see some progress and honest effort.
So I guess what I am saying is try not to project disaster into your tommarrow. Work on yourself and give yourself time to learn more about this disease. Then you can figure out what you need and decide if what you are getting is enough.
Hope this helps. Take what you like and leave the rest.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Yes keep working on yourself. I kind of dislike calling it work, more like finding yourself because once we start taking care of ourselves and start doing what we love in this world, it becomes fun and interesting rather than work. For years, while my A was drinking and times he stopped, I stayed in my little shell and did all the thngs I thought would keep him happy so he wouldn't get upset or angry and all it did was keep me frustrated and unhappy inside. I'm not saying you do that but I sure did. When I first started living life the way I desired....alwasy keeping in mind to not go out of my way to hurt others....I began to finally find happiness if he was drinking or not. A good attitude along with sprouting my wings helped a lot.
If you need to use your anger at infidelity to give you the strength to do what you know you must, then why not? Eventually, though, it will come time to put the anger and resentment behind you, and move on to true freedom where you do what is best for you because you value yourself enough to make those healthy choices. Baby steps - you won't get all better all at once. If you keep moving in the right direction, things really do change, though.
