The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A year ago I cut off all contact with the A. The past year has been a really hard slog. I am just beginning to emerge. I think for me now my tolerance for inappropriate behavior is getting in there. I put in better and better boundaries all the time. I really do. As a result I have more energy. I'm currently at a crossroads, looking for work, looking for a social life. I'm better and better at interpreting what I need and don't need.
I'm moving on. I have a life - I had none while I was with the A. I have to say its not perfect, I'm poor, have extreme limitations but I do make better and better choices. That for me is progress.
I look back on the time I had with the A and am astonished by all I put up with. I have lots of boundaries in now. There is no second guessing what is good for me. I have a far lower tolerance for taking on someone else's problems.
I am more and more aware how I sabataged myself. I look forward to life rather than dread it. I'm by no means clear and safe and well set up. My life is one long struggle but I am no longer part of the problem. Maresie.
I like the bit where you say you look forward to life rather than dread it. What a fantastic thing to be able to say. Even though things are not perfect. I never realised how much personal growth can come from this whole thing, that it can change us and enable us to have better relationships in all aspects of life, not just to do with the A bit. I hope things continue to improve for you Maresie.
(((Maresie))) You keep getting better and better, puting one foot in front of the other. Baby steps and giant steps and continuing to go forward. Proud of you. (((HUGS))) RLC
I have been away from exAH for 8 yrs & 3 months now. I related to how u sd, ur astonished by all that u tolerated. I too was there, I thought about the horrors of my exAH for a couple of years. With each passing year, I remembered less. At first it was like PTSD, I'd go into a whole clip of memories or episodes, like a film reel. It no longer happens. Unfortunately, I cannot look back & tell you when it stopped completely, I'm really not sure.
The awesome thing about having more & more boundaries & getting your own power back, is when you are presented with opportunities, you can look down one avenue & see the end or at least where it leads. For me when I look at an A, I can see where I'll end up. I've BTDT. I don't want to be insane & powerless & all wrpaped up in someone else's disease-drama anymore.
Last summer, I was still pretty depressed but I did have someone wonderful entering my life. I am sure he was terrifed to take me seriously as I was in such bad shape. Sleeping for days, not cleaning anything. In fact since I'd had a car accident 1 1/2 yrs before we met, I basically had stopped living or had resigend to embrace death. My kitched had so much junk in it, it was a wall. He took out all of the trash for me & I could see something clearly again. Sure, it was just my kitchen but it was like someone digging me out of the grave.
You sound so much stronger than I was. I was still so hopeless, I couldn't do much for myself. I had atrophied a lot staying in bed depressed for nearly 2 years. A few month ago when I began to move & work out, it was such a huge deal for me & it helped my attitude, body & mind so much. I was moving myself, no one was doing it for me. As much as I appreciated & desperately needed help and I guilted myself for not having done more for myself, I let it all go.
I had to embrace my weight. I decided to be happy where I was, so that it would be easier to get moving, I think it really helped. Even now, my body weight is redistributing. I still weight the same. That's okay, maybe by this time next year I will have lost a little. It doesn't really matter. When I weighed 125 most of my life, I was so thin & always thought I was a huge load. To love myself for the first time where I am seems to be making things easier. It is phenomenal how so much of what we do with alanon pervades every aspect of our lives. I whole heartedly believe that changes in thinking, bring new manifestations to us.
For the first time in my life I am ready for a healthy relationship. Maybe I was not in the right space or too young to grasp all that I had to, to make the program truly work for me - it doesn't matter- this is now. I am no longer sabatoging myself or my relationships. Man, I hurt myself so much! I sincerely hope I am passed this way of being. I keep focusing on what I want & what I can do each day.
Did I just write that?!! I actually know something that I want and I am able to focus on me & love me today! That is a miracle for me, it is all brand new & sticking.
Good luck & stay strong. Keep those boundaries. After my exAH, I can honestly say, I know what I don't want.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
