The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
its thursday morning...something woke me up early today
dreading the first phone call i will recieve today from the lady...miss her but need to continue to persevere
feeling a bit empty here...thinking about my old life and wondering what it is that i am missing from the new which will catapolt me into a new and improved stratosphere
sometimes i just wonder what i lost...not really with the woman but with the partying..drugs drinking etc
i guess there always is this craving for drama..anxiety hostility...something that i know
i need a new life and am working to get it..i guess it don't come easy...and maybe not as quickly as i would like
just writing about it makes me feel that much better
i used to have these dreams of stardom...some sort of rock and roll fantasy camp in my head
sometimes i just feel like i have become to soft and really don't know what to do with those feelings
to much down time on my hands..that is my main nemesis right now..not people places and things...all though i try to stay away from them..but boredom and down time is...and has always been my main problem
growing up in an alcoholic drug addict family served me well for a time..or maybe not..maybe this is where my thinking got realy realy realy screwed up
and now i have the oppurtunity to change this..make ammends to myself and others and make ammends to a destructive life gone bad and mad
i am alone now..and it feels great and horrible all at the same time
this is how i feel these days..stuck in the middle..at times..making me uncertain about which way to go
i want to love..i want to give..i need these things to keep me going
i swear at times i crave my old lifestyle..but i know where it led me..and right now it has led me to write on this message board
i see the folks..when i wake up and go out for coffee..early morning..and i don't like what i see..it aient a pretty picture because inside of my head and heart i have lost something...something to gain i assume..making room for the new?
anyway..i'll keep doing what it is i am doing in order to revitalyz my plate..but it is long and slow and some days i really feel like given in..but i think i have come way to far for that..and falling backwards..well..not really certain where i would end up
The sound of new awarenesses is music to the head and spirit. It gets better and more beautiful as the trust and humility take over and I followup on the suggestions and experiences I pick up in the rooms of both Al-Anon and AA.
I didn't save my old life by being here and listening, learning and practicing. I got to shed that old life and get a new one which is far, far more worth living than I could have imagined.
When I started in Al-Anon I use to talk, talk, talk until I decided to eat humble pie and sit down and listen deeply and then throw caution to the wind and follow thru. The elders were right...I needed to listen not talk because what I knew was about living in the disease and what I needed to do was live in recovery.
tlcate it was 9 years (of not drinking) in Al-Anon before HP could present me with an event that caused me to take my own assessment and have it analyzed by the head nurse of the adult section of a recovery program we worked in. After she analyzed the assessment (anonymous...my name was not on it) she returned to me and advised, "who ever this assessment belongs to needs to be in inpatient recovery immediately or the next time they drink they die". I had never thought I was alcoholic even though I have overdosed several times. I had other explanations for why that happened and now I was faced with the doors of AA. I was humbled and announced to her that the assessment was mine and she remarked, "Jerry you and I have been in program for a long time you know what to do next" and then she went back to her office. In my first real AA meeting, I sat in the dark in the corner away from the table. I knew everyone in the room either by association in the program, my recovery groups my service in program or the like. When the process of identification came to me I could not talk...I would not talk or identify myself as alcoholic and so they held up the meeting and we all sat in loving silence until I said for the first time "my name is Jerry F and I am alcoholic." No one clapped, laughed, told me "we always knew it." I suffered only the shame of my fear and lack of awareness. Then the meeting continued and even though there were times when I thought I was cured and wanted to leave recovery; my Higher Power has always been there with the instruments necessary to keep that from happening. You don't have to announce. If it is a open meeting you can say, "I am looking" or some thing like that. If it is closed they will not entertain "lookers" anonymity is the spiritual foundation of our program.
Maybe this has been of some service maybe not. In either case one of the tools that has kept me serene and sober is the invitation to "keep coming back". I can always do that.
Watching the process of mind, heart, and spirit finally breaking the shackles of this disease, as awareness dawns, is one of the most beautiful parts of this program. It is heartwrenching and difficult at times, but convinces me that the pain of recovery is the worst as you are about to step through the door into the light and it is soooo worth it. It is such a different kind of pain, not the stuffing and denial that goes on and on with no point and no end, but more almost like childbirth where you know all that agony is going to produce something truly beautiful.
Charles and tlc, just keep coming back. It works and you are both so worth it!
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
