The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have something on my mind this morning that I need to write. Maybe just to vent and get it out, that usually helps. I know it is silly, but maybe not. This particular situation has given me great anxiety in the past as well as caused many problems for me and bf whenever these people are involved. I try not to let things like this bother me anymore. Now a days, I know I am getting stronger, but its like I just want to be prepared on this one, because it has been a huge problem in the past. I basically just need to vent and to know if I should keep this to myself or if I should discuse what I expect/fears with my bf in regards to this.
My bfs best friend has a gf he has been seeing for about a year. To shorten the story a little, this girl has created trouble (for me and my bf), she has admitted to me, that if someone acted like she did with her bf, she would have been very upset too (in reference to her overly flirting, kissing, calling and sending inappropiate texts to my bf). She also basically told me that she thought I was the cause of my bfs drinking, adding to his stress, etc. Needless to say, since then she has apoligized to me and said she would never do this again, and so far I think she has kept her word. Now, not to put this all on her. When my bf was drinking (he is now sober), he used to love this attention. He also got mean to me when drinking and knew exactly how to push my buttons, and he new that flirting with her did this. But as of right now, she has not contacted us and we do not hang out with them as a couple. My bfs friend is his best friend, and they hang out, but not with the gf present. That might change however come hunting season. My bf and his best bf share a lease together. And the gf hunts also. And usually in the past my bf would end up staying overnight at his friends house, because the lease was a ways away (and ususally he would be drinking). So I am left to wonder, how many times will she go with them? Will there be drinking involved? But I have been really strong, haven't really worred about something that hasn't happened yet, and haven't said a thing.
Fast foward to last night. Best friend called and told us that he was tired of how gf was drinking. Said they had gone out and she was flirting and being very inappropriate with anoher man. Her bf told her if she keeps drinking (didn't mention the flirting thing I guess) that it was over. So, needless to say, hearing this, makes me feel a little better in the respect that I know now that this is her normal behavior and not my imagination, jeasouly, or insecurity on my part etc.
But after hearing about this, and knowing she has a addiction background (which was a common thread between her and my bf) - my mind started racing in high gear with what ifs:: what if she grabs on to my bf and uses the "I want to get better, can you help me since we have addictions is common" thing. Or if she wants to start going to the same meetings he does? I know that I could not handle dealing with her creating problems again. But I also remember, my bf has changed since he is not drinking and would not act like he used too.
But do I say anything regarding my expectations for the upcoming hunting season or if she tries to contact him regarding recovery? Or do I just let it go and see what happens? I am at the point now, where I can look at this rationally, and I do trust my bf. And really don't want to deal with this "high school" stuff anymore. But I am new in this program and am not clear yet on what I should express or what I should just let go and see what happens??? I don't want to be naive either. I know that my bf is a helper. If she called he would problably give advice, etc because he would want to help. I also believe he knows that if he started talking to her again, it would create big problems for us. So again, wondering if I should talk about my expectations or fears with him regarding this girl. I want to be strong, and take things as they come, but is it wrong for me to talk to him about these fears or expectations??? Sorry, to ramble.
My sponsor always reminds me to "bring it where you can be heard" - namely, to her, or to a meeting.
I too would like to be able to share concerns about hubby with hubby - but if I even get close to it, we have a miserable couple of days. I think maybe it comes across to him as mistrustful - so he figures, well, she doesn't trust me anyway, I might as well deserve it.
My hubby, by the way, has 4 years sober, and I couldn't even consider this kind of conversation with him until.. .at least 3 years in. We started to have "real" conversations again at about 2 years. He tells me they say in his meetings it takes "5 years to get all your marbles back, and even then...."
To me, it sounds like the feelings are about you. Insecurity, anxiety, fear, projecting - those are you. So in that sense I would suggest sharing it where you can be heard, which you have started doing already. Sometimes just the sharing helps it dissipate. If it doesn't, then consider what you can say that is only about you, that doesn't try to "make him" see or do anything particular in response. When I do this, when I find words that I can imagine him reacting in a way I don't want, and I'm still ok with those words - those are the right words for me to get what I need to say out there.
This would fall under the 3 c's. AND we need to take our own inventory. We cannot control what any other person does.
If she comes on to or whatever to your bf, it is up to HIM.
If I were you I would totally let it go,stay out of it. To do anything is showing insecurity,and also negating any faith you have in your bf.
Soooo hope you can get to meetings, read literature. Work on you like you are and you are doing soooo well.
Maybe look at what makes you believe you can control what another person does? What if any intuitions do you have? Are there red flags from him?
Myself, putting my bf and her in a house,at night,drunk...is a major red flag. Especially when she is known to put the moves on him. I would only think,"Ok do I want to stay in this relationship?" or "How can I come to terms with if there is any contact between bf and the gal?"
It is all about you!! hugs, keep on that good path! Follow it to meetings! Love,debilyn
Thanks for your replies! It helped! I agree that I would like to share more things with my bf, but and alot of it does come across wrong. So for now, I have this site and my meetings. And I know right now, this is all in my head about future worries with this person. Right now, my bf is giving me no reason that anything will happen with this person. The only red flags I have are from the past, when he was active. I have heard people in meetings say that what the A says or does when active, doesn't mean he really means those things. I try to remember this, but it still hurts and I sometimes have a heard time seperating the two. Thank you!
I'm with debilyn, either he will or he won't and there's nothing you can do to change that either way. The only thing you can change is you. If the relationship is not equitable what's the point? How would he feel if you went hunting with his best friend and some guy who had hit on you in the past for a few nights? Living with an alcoholic is rarely equitable from my experience.
Be yourself, the best side of yourself for you and see what happens?
Let it be a fun little mystery one that you are safe in knowing that you have behaved in a respectful way, therefore you will be okay.l. no matter what others do.
Possibly both men know deep down this girl is not what they would want, just because he appreciated her flirting doesn't mean he respects her, or wants to be with her. My guy still laughs about the homeless woman that flashed her boobies and then asked for a dollar...doesn't mean he wanted her!
Why would he want to be with a girl that he knows gets drunk and flirts with everyone else?
One thought.. even before I came to alanon as I was struggling with exactly the same type of delima... I prayed about it and the answer I got was almost as if God said "Okay world stop spinning...Get this message woman>>> "Respect yourself first, and it will all come into place" when I keep this in mind I usually am able to just forget these kinds of worries, don't know why exactly but hope it helps you some-it's worked wonders for me, when I remember it. Maybe because when I focus on what I think about me no other person's behavior is able to define me or make me change my mind about my value or worth when I respect myself first in my thinking and behavior........ My challenge is remembering this!!!
Always remember that it takes two to tango . We cannot choose who they see or don't but if he is in program they will suggest that he not get involved with the opposite sex regarding recovery . Of course u can share your fears but like u said then let it go . I know it would be great if we could wrap them up in bubble wrap and keep temptation away , but life happens and they too have to learn to live sober . keep doing your meetings and look after yur own needs and uwill be fine . I was told to take my problems to my meetings or sponsor and come home with a solution . that works for me before I open my mouth at home .,, Louise
Your post reminded me also of my early sponsor who said..."If you gonna what if...to be fair to yourself you must also...what it not!!" That one helped me tons. I haven't "what iffed" for soooo long I can't remember the last time I did. The consequence? I haven't felt smug because I was right or remorse because I was wrong or self critized my self for wasting time on things that might or might not ever happen or guilt or shame for what I was "what iff'n" about and fearful. The loss of fear was the biggie for me. I don't even say, "what ever happens, happens". That's not living in the moment for me and reveals my lack of faith.
What if not!! Try that one out for a few weeks and see what becomes of mslouise. (((((hugs)))))
