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I think one of the hardest things for me in recovery is knowing in my head and heart what is right, but still be completely unable, or maybe I should say unwilling to change my behavior. Hey, that sounds familiar, huh?
I heard a AA speaker once who talked about his craziness in early sobriety and how he had been separated from his wife, and in the process of divorce for 5 months, and he couldn't tell anybody.
Well, my AH has been out of our house for 15 mos, has been having an affair for almost two years, and we are in the process of divorce, and I still don't say anything! If someone were to ask me directly I would tell them (and no one has), but when there is a lot of beating around the bush, I just can't do it. Tonight when I was picking up my son from Scouts, a woman started asking me how we were doing (great but busy), how our business was, did my husband enjoy Scout camp, is my husband home more now (not so much), etc, and ended it with "glad you guys are doing okay". It was wierd, but then not totally out of character for her. Heck, she may not even know, but I highly doubt it.
I've known many couples who have split up and I understand that everyone processes it in their own way. Personally, I have more respect for the ones who are more private than those who are sobbing at ball games telling everyone who will listen how they've been wronged and how much animosity they have for thier spouse.
I rationalize my behavior by saying it is nobody's business, but really I know it is deeper than that. Gad! Could I still be in denial? Is it my pride? Yeah, I am embarrassed. I know I don't want to be put in a position of telling the rest of the story. I see the infidelity as a symptom of aism/drug use, but I certainly don't want to share that. I'm afraid I will be subjected to to many questions. I also still feel a need to do what I can to protect our business, since that has a huge impact on me. I know too, I do not like the attention or having someone feel sorry for me. That comes from my upbringing where there was lots of stuffed feelings and non-acknowledgement of grief. So, its lots of stuff. I guess I just wonder if I am hurting myself by not being more honest.
I actually still don't know what is going to happen with everything. Miracles do happen (talking about the details, not my marriage) so I try not to project too much, but that is a struggle in itself. One day at a time...
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou, do you go to f2f? it's a good way to get used to speaking the truth out loud - eventually you find you can do it anywhere.
One thing many of us tend to do is get into the trap of either/or thinking - either I have to lie to everybody about what is going on in my life, or I have to share all the details with complete strangers. In reality, there are a lot of options in between. "Well, actually, we're splitting" is enough to tell people. If they really are so unbelievably rude as to press for details (most people won't) there are lots of "oh, you know how things go sometimes" non-answers that will shut them down.
I spent far too many years of my life trying to keep up appearances, and it was exhausting, I knew I was living a lie, and it certainly did nothing for my self-esteem.
Lin is right, there are certainly other options. My life is an open book, but that doesn't mean I go overboard and 'advertise' my difficulties when they occur.
My f2f meetings and my sponsor are invaluable resources for practicing honesty with others.
I remember I used to be horribly embarrassed over my oldest daughter's insane alcoholic behaviors, and I was so concerned about what others thought of me.
Today I hold my head high, and I don't view her behavior as a reflection of me in any way, shape or form because she is an adult, makes her own choices, and if someone judges me because of what she does, that says everything about them, and nothing about me.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Having heard this same thing over and over about being as sick as you secrets, then I must be a pretty sick puppy. When being asked by anyone how things are going I have a hard time replying just how things are. I want to make everything look better than it really is. It seems as if that looking good: and having no situations that I cant handle still prevails. You know, where if I have problems that I can handle then there are really no problems at all. I have been in Alanon for a few years and youd think the shame would have resolved itself by now. But I find myself neck deep in it all the time. I had someone tell me that no matter how messed up she was her HP still loved her and I am holding onto to those words with all I have, must be the reason why I am not drowning. My therapist told me to pick people who are safe to talk to and to let them in as I began to trust them. Not with everything just share a bit at first watch them and then if it turned out okay I could share more but only as much as I wanted. Not everybody needs to know my situation. I am in control of this. I too grew up in a home where feelings were stuffed and for me that seems to be the first thing I do. Not a healthy thing to do so I need to find a safe place to do thins. I think grief is one of the worst feelings to deal with. I am learning slowly, very slowly who I can trust. Geez, posting here is even difficult for me. I think the last time I posted was over a year ago but I read the postings often it helps me to know I am not alone. Feeling feelings is most uncomfortable and so is talking about what is really going on and I think you are doing the right thing by coming here to write. I hear and see what happens when feelings arent dealt with it can make you physically sick which I have some experience with. Changing behavior that has been ingrained is tough and uncomfortable. I have to remember that just because it feels bad doesnt mean I am doing something wrong. I also have to realize as I am changing my behavior it will get messy, I will do it wrong and sometimes pick the wrong people to do it with. I will make mistakes but that doesnt mean I am a mistake. Funny, just a thought, I am telling you exactly what I need to hear. Your post has touched closely to my circumstances as alot of them has. I thank you for posting this today because you have given me the courage and the strength to find my voice, if its only for today, at least I found it. I hope this made some sense. I will keep you in my thoughts.
I don't do secrets. Everyone I know knows that I am not with my A Husband anymore. I just say we split up and leave it at that. I think if infidelity were involved I might be embarrassed too just because I would somehow blame myself or feel as tho I wasn't "good enough" to keep him or some such thing which is ridiculous but still enters the mind. I used to feel that way about the alcohol tho, that he loved it more than me and in the end that is what it comes down to but for a long time I took that as I wasn't good enough, now I know that it's all about him not me and there's nothing wrong with me. I don't know what your motivations are for keeping this a secret. I would be bothered by people asking questions about a husband I hadn't lived with for over a year and say plain and simple we're not together anymore, I really don't know. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things tho. If you don't mind answering questions about him and you feel comfortable with what you're doing and feel it's the right thing then it's right for you.
I don't think it is sick for you to keep your private life private until your ready!!! Face to face meetings are so easy to be honest in and no one judges. That would be a great place to discover what you really are comfortable with.
I know exactly where you are at. For me, I still had a sliver of hope that somehow we might work things out so I left the "door open" so to speak and would not say the words to anyone of the demise of our marriage. It was a slow incremental process for me- it took 2 years. I just want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself. The time will come when you will no longer "cover" for that marriage in your conversations with others. Trust me, it will come!!! Have faith that you are exactly where you need to be in this dilemma and that one day, the slate will be cleared and you will be completely free in deed and word to move on. HP has some good reasons for you to be grappling with this right now. You will come out on the other side and be ready to let it go for sure and for good- in HP's time, not on our timetable. Much love and hugs, J.
I went through very similar stuff for a long time when I got a divorce. Be kind to yourself. I think its normal to be numb. Who you tell when you tell is up to you. You don't owe the whole world an explanation.
Long ago when I got into this program, "you are as sick as your secrets" use to be mentioned a bit and we all knew that it was coming from the AA side of the fence, related to a sponsor/sponsee honesty relationship and also a warn- ing that if you didn't practice rigorous honesty then the chances of you drinking again were most assured. That phrase invited fear in some, the fear of relapse. It also invited the fear of someone knowing more about us than most of our relations knew and then spilling the beans. "Anonymity being the spiritual foundations of all of our traditions" and the practice of that gave sponsees and newcomers the invitation to practice trust and faith and still we all know that we are trusting another human being(s) just as imperfect as we are. When we start to practice that trust and faith we also come to realize that our courage has also been growing. Such a deal!!
That phrase was never mean't to urge us to spill the beans about ourselves and our past randomly and without caution. I shared my "deepest secrets" with a trusted sponsor and after I had time in program and time to acclimate myself to my sponsors behavior and character. Would he talk "me" to others? Would he use my "secrets" to make me feel less than or cause me to feel "blamed" or responsible for all of the troubles in my life including alcoholism...the abusive behavior. It took time and it took listening which also brought about an unexpected suprise and relief. To some of my secrets my sponsors would respond "so you did that too huh?" or "been there done that also." I learned to laugh at my secrets and not take myself soooo seriously. I don't brag about the secrets I use to keep about the things that I did to others or myself when the disease was running and I wasn't the person I am today". I do just what my sponsors did for me, listen, relate, don't judge, don't critize, and let go of what I have heard to my Higher Power. I don't use what I have to exercise power over the other person and I may use what I have to compare it to new growth...the where are we at today from the tomorrow we came from.
By nature I don't even talk about others or my family condition beyond what is good with it. If I find the courage to say, "That is not up for discussion today" I will say that or something similar. I determine what I say and how I say it. That's another one of my choices and freedoms today thanks to the program.
A lot of excellent collective ESH replies. I have been and sometimes still am in the position you are. Though I don't own a business, I work for the public sector. Consequently, people not only feel that everything should be open and transparent in the public sector because it's their tax money (and to a certain extent I agree) they also like to tell us municipal folks that "I pay your salary" when they are angry. It's fun I tell ya.
At any rate, my public life and private life are two entirely different matters and is none of anyone's business unless I deem it so. When I first separated, someone shared with me. If someone asks you a question you aren't ready to answer just reply "why do you ask?" Sometimes people just don't think.
On the flip side, the great thing about some basic information being "out there" is when you are ready to start going out with other males, people won't be shocked. You know you've been separated for this long but if other's haven't, it can surprise them. But as our good friend canadianguy always says "what others think of us is none of our business." ha ha I love that.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
