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I am having a particularly overwhelming problem that is greatly interfereing with my serenity. My neighbors just had a bunch of work done on the road and apparently think I am going to help pay for it. I feel like they think they have some right to spend my money, not that I have any to spend. They just got the bill for the work and it was $2800. They want to have some kind of meeting with us and my Mom (she lives on the road too) to see if we can split it. I can't believe that they would assume that I would have that kind of money. They never even consulted us at all about doing this.
I think that while AH was living at the other neighbors' he got a bit carried away talking about how much work he was doing(he was proud of his sobriety and newfound ability to really work, again) and left her the impression that he could make a lot of money real regularly. Of course he doesn't but that apparently didn't stop her from telling these people next door about her assumptions.
Now I am really frustrated with them all. I don't know how to handle it. I am very angry with them for expecting and not consulting me. I just don't understand where they think they have the right.
I really do not want to talk to them directly because I have a real problem with confronting people especially when I know they will be mad and not change their viewpoint. I am afraid this will ruin our relationship with these people who have been our friends since we moved here. They have always been good friends, but this time they have really stepped over the line.
My first thought is to send them a really carefully written and direct email letting them know that I do not have money to help them pay for this work. I know something like this should really be done f2f, but I get such a bad physical reaction to this type of confrontation that it makes it hard to even think clearly. Even now just writing this my heart wants to pund out of my chest and I am short of breath. I hate that!
So any ESH for a situation like this would be appreciated.
Gratefully in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I think a nicely worded letter using terms, at this time and while I would like to be in a position etc would be fine. It is a problem when people assume and its not your problem. When you assume, you make an 'ass' and of 'U' and 'me'. I think you would be better off with a letter in this place. Best of luck.
That's a tough one. I hate confrontations and conflict too. The only problem I see with a email/letter is that you still may still end up feeling very uncomfortable around your neighbors with what was unsaid. Thus, you still may end up hurting your relationship and have to discuss it eventually anyhow, especially if they have very strong feelings about it.
I absolutely agree with you that they should have consulted you and you mom first. That was a huge expectation and assumption on thier part. However, I also wonder, was the work necessary or just cosmetic? Like will the work keep the road from washing away next winter? Do you have any type of legal agreeement in the title that says you must split repairs? If you don't pay for part of it, will you feel guilty every time you leave your house?
If you don't have the money, you don't have the money. Maybe they knew it was a risk and just want to see if you can help, but will be okay with it if you can't. All you can do is be honest with them. You are a very good writer. You don't need to let them know you are mad, but just that you are not in a position to be a part of it right now. Can you get your husband to help? Keep us posted.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I don't think that they would have gone to all that expense on just the hope that you'd be able and willing to pitch in. I think they did the work because they wanted it done, and then they thought that maybe you might chip in if approached. I agree with the others about using words like "not in a position to do that", etc. If these folks were your friends - something tells me that they'll understand. You don't have to go in defensive, but I would go in face to face. Tough as it is (and I understand how stressful a f2f can be in a situation like this), I still think it's the best approach - because you will have to face them eventually anyway.
Generally stuff like that is pre-agreed upon. I know I had real severe issues with the A and the neighbors. Active alcholics tend to not have good boundaries. I don't have good boundaries either so I stretch to work on them daily.
You are under no legal obligation to help. You can actually say nothing, that is one way to deal with it. Don't acknowledge it if they confront you say you are very busy at the moment. I am an incredible people pleaser and have learned I do not necessarily need to explain myself. They asked, you say no by saying nothing. You do not have to justify saying no. No is a complete sentence and there are lots of ways to say it. Personally after being in recovery for a while I steer clear of justifying. Maresie.
Ugh, I know EXACTLY what you mean about confrontations, I'm much better in writing than in person. I turn beet red on the spot and break out in splotches. I hate confrontations and I have to have them periodically but the more you step up in person the better you get at it. I would not be defensive and go to the meeting and say I'm sorry, we really can't help with that right now.
Have they directly asked you for money? If not I think sending a letter te lling them no may be premature. If they do ask for money I would simply say that was not something you had planned on spending money on. It's not about if you can or if you have the money so I wouldn't address that at all.
If it damages your "relationship" when you are polite and honest, than that is their reaction, nothing you did.
If it were me I wouldn't plead poverty or feel guilty at all...It seems codependant to even think that you owe it to them unless they asked you first which you say they did not so. Simply saying no is better so that later when you buy the new car or whatever you don't feel like they can "judge" you based on saying you didn't have the money or whatever. This simply is not something you planned on spending money on.
Much as I would like to write a letter, but as someone pointed out, they have not directly asked for money and a letter of refusal would be premature. They have only told my husband that they would like to get together to discuss it. They have not asked to set a time or anything either. This is typical of how they have done the whole thing. I keep getting second hand hints about what they are doing and that they expect something of me, but not direct contact. And its not like I never see them. I have spoken to them directly at least a dozen times in the time it took for them to do all this.
Another thing that one of you all pointed out is that I do not owe them any explanation of my finances. If they choose to assume that I have money, then whose problem is that? Not mine. If they choose to get bent out of shape over their own false assumption, then whose problem is that? Also not mine. And as was stated, it is a slippery slope when we start justifying our choices to people whose business it is NOT! I have always had a problem with thinking I owe people explanations, when in truth they are just looking for ways to get their way from me. There are always holes in justifications and they will always find them, and use them to prove my choices wrong.
I just had a dejavue, cause I think I just told a group of relative newcomers this LAST NIGHT. ROTFLOL! Sometimes I can really benefit from listening to my own self, or better yet all of you.
Thank you all very much. I still am not sure what I will do, but I feel so much better because I think I have some good boundaries in my mind now. I think now I can work on giving it up to HP for guidance and just work on detaching from their unhealthy behavior. I really don't have to take this all personally.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
