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my AB has been sober for a couple of weeks since I no longer have lots of drama alot of feelings are coming to the surface and I am turning in to a provocker He still has not drank as far as I am aware. You see when he drinks and goes missing I think he cheats i have caught him once and tried to get over it. But something has been deep inside me for past 18 months that was to hard to face but I carnt run any more. had a long time friend who was a slut I was in denial to this too She was offen in parties where my AB ended up people told me she was all over him I did not listen I thoughtnthey were just getting on I thought hthey both care for me to much He told me she was flirtimg again denial Then after one party when he was missing I rang his phone and she answered She said someone in the party dropped it off at hers even got her teenage daughter involved as her what the fella had said when he dropped the phone off this is why I believed her Looking back after this my partner became very disrespectful towards her. I believe that he tried to ignore her flirting but eventually on a binge the inevitable happened and that he is disgusted with himself. He has said after AA meetings that he carnt cope with guilt of how he has hurt me.
Iam so confused I know he is ill I know he loves me but infedelity especially withsomeone I cared for is really unacceptable behaviour. I have been pushing for the truth I need to know but what will it accomplish. I knwow when he is sober he loves me but when drunk he does silly things I feel like i need to forget about the past but I need honesty from him that was when he was drinking then I may be able to move on. Then I can set a boundary if he drinks and disappears again its over because I carnt trust him when he is drunk I love him so much but this love is so painful for me I am loosing all my confidence and eslf esteem but I carnt leave him I love him I feel so angrey and I am fighting hard to control all these emtions. I had chance of promotion and messed up I feel like half the person I used to be.
Sounds like a lot is going on. I know I used to push for the truth all the time around the A. He'd lie then eventually it would come up and I'd feel devastated. The issue was I really knew the truth in my bones all the time. I knew when things were wrong. I did a whole song and dance about it for a long time. Personally now I think it was from diverting from my feelings.
I have certainly been there and done that with messing up at work. I have messed up many friendships and other relationships with my codependency. I think that is part of it.
I don't think with detachment we forget about something, we choose when and how to dea with it. Obsessing about things got me nowhere. I had to really work on taking a step back from the larger issues and for a long time concentrate on making my everyday life functional.
If he is in recovery he is in the right place. We are always in a hurry to control and mark their recovery. Some people recover at different paces. You may or may not et an amends.
Infidelity, and the physical violence were the deal breakers for me. Factor in no desire on his part to seek any sort of recovery, and there was just no salvaging the marriage.
Being 'sober' two weeks is a mere drop in the bucket, and trust is earned, not given. Even if my ex had gotten clean and sober, too much damage was done.
Any time I have had that longing for a relationship with a man, I've had to ask myself where am I at in my own recovery? How am I feeling about self? Am I hoping to find happiness 'out there' when happiness is an inside job?
I haven't felt that need for a relationship for a long time now because I am my own best friend!
-- Edited by Tenderheartsks at 12:08, 2008-07-29
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
"I love him so much but this love is so painful for me I am loosing all my confidence and eslf esteem but I carnt leave him I love him " -Tracy
I was with my exAH for about 5 years. He was considerate & quiet in dealings with me (the way he related) until we got married. On the 3rd day of marriage/2nd day of honeymoon, he totally yelled me. I was shocked & stunned, frozen. My mother never raised her voice at me. He proceeded to yell, blame, demean me for the next 4yrs & 2 months. He never cheatted but I do know how you felt. Besides, cheatting is a symptom of this horrible disease. My step-dad cheatted on my mom for 20+ years. I do know that betrayl too. I wanted to kill him and it took all of my will power to be on this Board & chat room to face & come to terms with my feelings. Sure, I want to know the truth but it did affect me. But I also don't want to be in the dark & honesty is the most important things to me.
You have to know that asking an A for the truth is futile. Unless they are in recovery & you would feel a repentance off of them, they become contrite. We should be remorseful if we do wrong, it's natural. A's aren't natural, they are deviated. They are in denial, it is what keeps them sick. They don't want to experience their emotions & lie to themselves therefore they don't know how to be honest. ~ Clean & sober, in sobriety which means working on emotional issues while sober, only then can you accept what they are saying as truth. Even then ppl slip.
"He has said after AA meetings that he carnt cope with guilt of how he has hurt me." -Tracy
This may or may not be true, but I can tell you it does not even compare to how badly he feels, how much guilt he has & loss of respect he has for himself. They feel so badly about themselves, that they hate themselves and if you love them, they think you must be lower than guttery dog water. So they are cruel to us. Because they don't love themselves, they believe they are unlovable, so they don't love us, it's revenge or at least sabatoge.
That's not to say that it's not great or passionate or exciting. He was very exciting & immensely talented. I believe my ex did love me but all he knew was dysfunctional sick & twisted love. He wanted and did manipulate, control, demand. I got so tired, I just gave in. And I became more & more withdrawn, controlled, suicidal. I ran away from him on vacation 8 years ago & never looked back. In fact this is the first year I have had positive memories of him and for that I am exceedingly grateful.
I have heard it said listen with your eyes, when it comes to an A. That means whatever they tell you, you will see what happens. The words are fine but the actions are what matter.
Take care of yourself, love yourself (I didn't know how, I am learning) and focus on yourself. It is your life.
Be kind & gentle with you, much love & hope, -kitty
PS. A lot of great responses here.
-- Edited by kitty at 17:29, 2008-07-29
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
