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My A husband has put me through hell for the last 7 years. I can't understand why I don't hate him and have a strong desire to help him. He is once again trying to quit, mostly I think because he is afraid I am going to take his only son and go back home which is 1200 miles from here. I don't understand his attitude though towards us. I beg him to take us with him places and he refuses, will drive off with me in tears and never look back. He refuses to go anywhere with us and will remove any effidence of a child from the car he is driving. Everyone knows the whole family since its a small town. Doesn't make any sense at all to me. Yet before the drinking he told me he wanted us to be like a couple he knew who did everything together. Is he ashamed of us?
The sad thing is, before he went to drinking again, he had 7 years of sobriety. I want to help him and find the person he was before the booze. Any suggestions?
Alcoholism is choked with guilt and shame. Alcoholics can still feel and guilt and shame are only two of the toxic things they feel. He can see you cry and he knows why you're crying and then what blocks him up in doing the right thing is fear (of more things than a normal person knows about). It isn't your fault though that doesn't make you feel better. You want to be with him and your can't cause he wont participate. You can be with others who want you around and one of those groups is the Al-Anon Family Groups. Go look up the hotline number in the white pages of you phone book or call the local AA chapter and ask them if they have the information. You will be welcomed. He is not a bad person trying to become good. He is a sick person trying to get well. Relapses are shameful and humbling. He's having a hard time also.
I've listened to a lot of alcoholics tell their stories, and it's not YOU he's ashamed of . As Jerry says, alcoholics are choked with guilt and shame. And their way of dealing with it is not the way of a 'normal' person. When I do something that makes me feel guilty, I try not to do that thing again, because I don't like that feeling. Alcoholics don't seem to work that way. I remember once talking to my husband (after he sobered up) about guilt and he said "Ah, but you forget - I'm an alcoholic and I have a special relationship with guilt."
Anyway, he's busy dancing the alcoholic dance, but you don't have to join in. You can just find some people to spend time with who DO value you, and find a way to get some joy out of life that doesn't depend on him. In a funny way, when the pressure is off him to keep you happy, he might find it easier to be nicer to you.
