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Well I needed to vent and I hear this is a better place than the A in our lives to vent. As some of you know I moved out from my A last Wednesday and I dont know if I have mentioned it before but even high he always been an awesome father. He has always been an awesome father...well after saying that when I moved out he was suppose to keep the kids until I had everything set up for them. he didnt and I have tried to get things in order with all three. Well then he told me he was going to get them today and spend some time with them because he knows they are missing him awfully. I waited called him three times and when he finally calls he says he is not getting them because he has things to deal with. I did not fight with him because that is not how it needs to be but I just look and see three kids that are longing for their dad and his reasoning for not seeeing them is he has alot to deal with. Well i have things to deal with too but they will never come before my kids. They worship the ground he walks on and they should and he is not caring. Disease or not it isnt an excuse. Well I guess I will let yall go I just neede to vent. Thanks Tasha
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I dont want to be the bandage if the wound is not mine
My three kids have learned from experience that just becuase Daddy said something was going to happen didn't make it so. I learned from experience not to tell them about plans with Daddy until I was sure they were going to happen - like he's on the subway on his way to the train station.... in a way, I guess it's another expectation that an A can't live up to - keeping a commitment to a child.
My children, too, think their father is a great dad. But they also remember the day he was taking care of them and he left them alone while he went to the liquor store to get beer. And the times he was drunk and not paying attention, or didn't come home from work. My youngest is 5-1/2, and we left when she was three - she still remembers those things. And she still thinks her daddy is the best daddy in the whole world. But she also knows that Mommy is the one who's there in the middle of the night, when she wakes up in the morning, falls and skins a knee, wants a cookie.... Daddy is fun, but Mom is always there....
When their Dad makes plans with the kids -- something I've asked him not to do, by the way - he needs to make those plans with ME, not with a 7-year-old -- I just tell the kids "we'll see what happens."
(((((Tasha))))), This is what I did after looking one too many times into the disapointed face of my sweet kids. If it works for you great...if not I hope you find what does work for you.
I just stopped telling them he was going to come see them or come get them. He and I would make plans, but that is as far as I took it. That way I was the only one to get disapoitned, upset, letdown...and so on. If I told them that daddy was going to do whatever......and then it didn't happen, I would be the one that had to tell them that dad couldn't do it, so I looked like the bad guy.
It worked for me. They still missed him, they still wanted to see him, and when they asked why he wasn't around I said they would have to ask him when they saw him.
I let his relationship with the kids be his and stepped out of it....it was hard, but the more I stepped out of his stuff the better I felt about me.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I remember before I had kids and a guy I worked with who was taking his kids to Disney World. He said he wasn't going to tell them until the last possible moment. Even if they hadn't figured out something was different until they were on the plane. Now, it is different because he didn't want to hear "when are we going to disney?" for umpteen weeks if he had told them ahead of time. However, dad is Disney and sometimes even Disney doesn't happen so what they don't know won't hurt them. Hmmmmm, I have been hearing that a lot relative to my post, too.
Kids know plenty and will be just as happy when he shows up as a surprise as if it is planned, but will not be diasppointed if he doesn't show up when they had no idea he was planning to. If he chooses to ruin his relationship with his kids, that is his choice and your job is to never bash him to them or allow yourself to be in a position for that sort of thing. I have seen plenty of times when the good guy is the bad guy for telling the kids what is really going on - they'll figure it out and lots of times it will suck for you to see it as it goes along. There's a better chance that he will get on board with being the best dad he truly can be that way.
