The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband has been drinking all of his adult life.
He is 62 years old.
This is a typical work day for him.
He gets home around 4:00pm, has three Vodka Martinis. Then at dinner around 6:00pm he has a glass of wine with dinner. After dinner he drinks a Scotch and Water. Then he drinks a beer. Then he drinks another Scotch and Water. Then he drinks another beer. Then he drinks a Whiskey. Then he goes to bed around 9:30pm.
One would never know if he were drunk or not. He never slurs his words, he never wables when he walks, he just goes to bed, and that is it.
My opinion is that he is an alcoholic, and since he has been drinking this way all of his adult life, his liver is probably toast.
His drinking hasn't caused problems......he gets up and goes to work every day. No one would know he drinks as much as he does.
The only issue is that I do know I cannot disucss anything serious with him at night, because he is extremely sensitive at night.
The drinking isn't a problem for him, for A's even if they do have obvious problems, they usually deny it. What is important is how his drinking is affecting you & if it's causing YOU a problem.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Labels don't really matter. All you need to ask yourself is if YOU have been affected by his drinking. That's all that matters.
My ex-AH is very functional. He continues to be successful at work, holding an executive position within a major corporation. At home, his behavior did not bring success. He was a narcissist, and to keep the peace, everyone needed to know how important he was. It was complete devastation for me, when we would go with another couple for a night out. He wouldn't stop talking, flirting, acting like a big shot, over-tipping... (anything to get people to like him.) The spotlight ALWAYS had to be on him. If I said anything, he was very gifted at turning it around and I would end up feeling guilty. He would jump through hoops for anyone else but at home, he was lazy.... emotionally abusive.... and a dictator. I could not trust him. He could not treat me as an equal partner. It took me 26 years of marriage to understand why my physical and emotional health was suffering terribly.
I was affected by his drinking. (That means, I "qualify" as a member of al-anon. *smile*)
Just ask yourself if you have been affected by his drinking. Don't wonder if he is an alcoholic. He is the only one who needs to decide that.
((((hugs))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
some alcoholics stay functional for a long long time. They do not however stay functional for ever. You are in the right place. We adapt the three C's here, you can't control it, you can't cure it and you didn't cause it.
So his drinking has caused problems and as you have stated three of them are within you. You don't drink like him, you can't talk with him and you can't take your focus off of how much he drinks. I was like that and I was told that if the alcoholics drinking causes me problems...more than likely she's an alcoholic.
If you read up on how much a male human body on an average can metabolize alcohol you might be more convinced that he is qualified. Usually what others look for on the surface is deceptive, although quantity over time is a measure- ment that a person may or may not have a problem it isn't the only measure- ment.
Al-Anon had most of the answers for me within the meetings and in the CAL (Conference Approved Literature) at the meetings. It was here that I got over the problem of accepting my alcoholic wife as being alcoholic. I got rid of all of my justifications for not saying that and then got down to business of my own recovery which included living with an active alcoholic without the negative self consequences.
I am glad you found MIP. Lots of others will share their Experiences Strengths and Hope with you. Read it all and then ask yourself what it all means to you and your happiness. If you come and join us you might find that often times the best listener is not the alcoholic but someone else who truely knows what it's like to wear your shoes.
I based my deniel on the fact that my A BF did not slur or stumble or get arrested or beat me or cheat any of the other rude behaviors I thought defined an A. I just thought he drank alot of beer. Keep in mind my parents would not shop at a grocery that sold beer or eat at a resturant that sold alcohol. I never saw healthy or non healthy drinking- it was all the devils brew....(welcome to the "hide and protect" side of the bible belt) yuk!! anyway I had no idea that alcohol was our only real problem till I "stumbled" into alanon one day... check out a few face to face meetings and see if they can help???
My ah is similar in that he confines all his drinking to evening hours, goes to work and is responsible there, but if he is drinking, we cannot interact in any satisfying way, he is unreasonable and erratic, and our evenings turned into two strangers sharing space. If we added anyone else into the mix (family/friends) there was a good chance that something embarrassing to me or hurtful to others would happen. I asked myself for years if that was really alcoholism or maybe just "problem drinking." I think I've decided it must be alcoholism, since it feels like IT is more important than anything else in ah's life. But I appreciate the statements above. HE gets to decide if he is an alcoholic. YOU get to decide if your life and happiness is affected by alcohol. I like the simplicity of that separation.
