The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last week I got the renewal letter for my lease, it had fill in the blank dates for how long I wanted to stay. One year is up and I found myself filling it out for another year but putting it in my drawer. I was entertaining thoughts of moving to a strange new place, finding a new job, maybe having the possibility of meeting a guy, maybe finding a better job and then I would cross to the other side and think about my days at the beach, the fun we have had a the amusement park all summer, my upcoming vacations and days off, basically MY future.
Life is a funny game, you make a decision and then see how it turns out and based on that decide whether to make that decision again or not. For a long time I feel like I was buried deep in a rut of making the same decision over and over and sinking deeper and deeper into the pit. So today I get the phone call from the property management company - I perused the rental ads, the employment ads, etc. I realized I have it really good. Life is good, why would I want to change this? I have some friends here, my circle is growing. I have a good job with a good boss. I live in a great condo five mins from the beach and can afford the rent. Why would I change that??? So I faxed the renewal for another year and promised myself I'd think about moving to a new place next year!
I find myself very cautious about getting involved with another man. I find myself avoiding the idea of a relationship. This is so opposite the old me. I used to be so desperate. Now I think gosh that's so much trouble and I really don't have time!!! I still look here and there but nothing seems good enough so I go on about my days.
My mom finally came to visit me here in NC last month after living here almost 3 years. It was good. I find myself struggling with my oldest daughter and her teen behavior and it reminds me so much of living with an active A. It's frustrating. I wonder sometimes if she's like that because I waited too long to leave or if that's just how she is? I'll never know now. The other two seem ok, she has insane behaviors.
I feel that over these two years I have had to grow up so much, much more than I ever wanted to! I also feel a lot of pride in my accomplishments. I never thought I could make it this long and this far on my own and I just keep chugging along.
This must be serenity, I can barely even remember the chaos and I certainly would never tolerate it again.
So I wonder, am I cured? Is it possible for me to have a healthy relationship without getting sucked into drama and getting entwined with someone again? I sure hope so! I like what I've got going on now!!!
Congratulations. I see such progress. I am very very leery of relationships. I am trying to work with friendships. I am going to start there. If I see a red flag I run. My therapist says I have to look for green flags too.
You have made great strides and accomplishments.
I used to totally rush into relationships now I don't even call people for a long time. I am still lonely, very lonely but I manage it now.
Carolinagirl - you sound so healthy in your approach. Life seems manageable and things seem calm. You've worked hard - and it sounds like you're getting some of the serenity that this program talks about. Isn't it wonderful? It sounds like you've come to terms with being alone and you realize that has nothing to do with being lonely. That is so key.
CG, you have changed and I am one of the witnesses to that change. It is for the better- you pause to check it out and ask questions, etc. You look to yourself and at yourself as you go through things. Its a totally different perspective, you know?
I, too, am very ambivalent about getting into a relationship- I insist on dating and having some fun but will keep it to that (I am in Honolulu now, staying with a lover but its just for fun and we are having no strings attached fun, believe me! Its great- its like having a cool sexy man for a nice vacation time and then they go away- how perfect!!!!!). Maybe for the rest of my life, who knows- and I am totally accepting and OK with that! In fact, its like: whoopeee! Yeah, being in a relationship is a massive amount of work. In a way, I am so exhausted, still, from the years with the alcoholic. My time on my own is so precious- why would I give that up?! Its like: I would be crazy to give up my serenity for anything or anyone. There may be a time when I can live in a serene way with someone special in my life but that fit has got to be GOOD in order for that to work for me. Its highly unlikely. I will not hold my breath!!
I think that we bought a bill of good that said that we were nothing without a partner/man. That our worth was wrapped up in the perspective of others. What other think of us, etc. its what leads to all that people pleasing. All that kissing up!! But I can see now that I am just a-ok as I am- me and HP are all that matter. If someone is meant to come into my life in a meaningful way- cool. If not- that is OK, too. Either way I win: its all good. Because of this program I have learned acceptance. Halleluja!!!! sounds like you have, too- hugs, J.
