The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...for all the kind words and suggestions..much appreciated
i have little feed back for others at this point...guess i am so wrapped up and emeshed in my own world...i think this is a negative character trait but for now this is all i've got
my heart and head seem to be getting more and more on the same page all though i still feel a bit out of sorts and even at times worthless....which seems very strange to me
something is happening with my higher power as i seem to be giving more and more 'control'..or shall i say simple guidance to my higher power then either ever before or at least in a very long time
but i still struggle...day to day...moment to moment but i pray every day for guidance and wisdom and power of suggestions
i still am in a quagmire when it comes to the relationships in my life
i recently attended an adult child of alcoholic meeting and i think it is there where i will find the most basic root to my problems...sort of like the seed link for most of my bad behaviours...uncertainties...fears etc
i seemed to connect the most to these people and it seemed that they took me in on a greater level then the other meetings i've attended
i still enjoy my na meetings because there i seem to get wisdom and courge and fire and freedom...but the acoa meeting seemed to put me back to a place where my original problems may have sprung from
i am still scared nervous and a bit anxious as it pertains to my life...the direction it is going in...where i will end up...who i really am underneath all the turmoil and confusion
i still feel a love and kindred spirit relationship with my ex girlfriend who i have bumped into a few times recently but who i also leave behind for fear that the woman in my life now will loose it and do something stupid
my phone has been basically off to phone calls and really i feel uncertain about which direction to go when it is dealing with the woman in my life
for now i suppos i still just ficus on my own well being but i feel to be getting lonelier by the day and more cut off then before
i still feel like i need a whole lot of work to do on myself
i will keep all informed and bless all of you for your courage and patience and time and sharing
Happy to hear from you! You are headed in a positive direction. The road ahead might get a little bumpy at times, but hang on, it gets better if you are willing to do the work. I have gained so much because I chose to do the work and continue to do so, although it isn't as challenging as it was when I first began.
You seem to be determine to persevere. Difficult times do contain a silver lining. Don't strain to see it, just relax into the process as much as you can. It can be scary. But you will most likely find that there is no boogyman in the closet. He is an illusion. Really.
For a period of time, I documented all the fears that I was so concerned about. I did this right after I separated from my AH. A year later, I looked back on the list of fears. Guess what? None of them came to be. We (speaking in generalities) are so conditioned to engage in catastrophic thinking. It is so, so sad. I see this with my young students. Many of us learned this by observation; I know I did. However, the human mind is quite wonderous; it is maleable (sp?). My psychologist stated this years ago to me. At the time, I thought to myself what a bunch of psycho babble. But I have found it to be so true.
I am a woman charles and I promise you I won't go crazy and do something stupid.
Basically most people would think my whole life is based on stupid, but that is another story.
Yes you are making progress, it is so neat to have you share it. Am very glad you feel at home with the Acoa. Wish my AH had found that.There are sooo many people affected by aism/addiction. Then they affect the ones around them. So here you are working on changing that thread.
Sometimes we do find we are in a relationship with someone who's behavior is not good for us. Raising my hand! I believe as we get healthier then we will enjoy a totally different kind of person. We would NEVER be attracted to the other again. Though we may still carry feelings for the one we left.
When things are hard like they are for you now, it is the best time to go thru a thinking time, an awareness time of self. Don't forget to rest, to do what you do to refill your spirit inside. Even if it is just putting a bunch of wildflowers together.
You shared you are creative. I am curious as to what that means? My beautiful daughter is an artist/craft person.She LOVES making things with metal. Cool things I cannot even explain. She also paints, makes jewelry and gets commissions to design and make peoples wedding rings. She is colorful and so creative, she can have a messy room and it is beautiful.
Anyway so where are you in that? We don't only have to look into the darker or harder parts of us. We can also look inwards at what makes us tick as far as color,movement, emotions good ones, creativeness, what we like to look at.
I find as bad as I feel sometimes, number one the people here always help me, then I calm down enough to look at my mountain and the mountains around me. Then I see the flowers and animals and I realize I am in paradise, a paradise for me.
Of course for me Charles is lonliness that I have got to do something about. At least I have the means to go see people.
Anyway so glad you found us.KEEP coming back.love,debilyn
- don't know what direction to go... feel loneliness creeping in.... what to do...
charles, get to meetings... be social with your family group... these people, if they are working their program, are safe people. let your loneliness lie there... get phone numbers for people to reach out to... then call them when you feel these bad feelings ... that is why their phone numbers are offered, and that IS a HUGE reason why the program works. it is all up to you... fear the telephone, don't go to meetings, fall back on old character traits, nothing changes if nothing changes...
or...
listen to experience, strength and hope of all these people here and at your meetings; change because YOU want to
i'm here for ya, along with the others, take it easy and keep 1 foot in front of the other
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Your post reminds me so much of my own experience.... The anxiety over trusting something so foreign... Turning my will and my life over.... I wanted to, but at first, I thought maybe I should still keep at least one hand on the wheel. It was soooo hard for me to give up the control. (What a hilarious illusion... thinking I had any to begin with!!!!)
I remember my sponsor telling me that it was a time to just be still. *Peace * Be still* Just sit in HP's presence. I had a tendency to want to DO SOMETHING to stop the uncomfortable feelings, but she always told me to be get with God and be at rest. Stop resisting. Of course, she would definately tell me to get to more meetings, more meetings, more meetings!!!! And I did. I wanted it as much as I believe you do, charles.
Surrender. Step back and let HP step forward in your life. Practice TRUSTING your HP. It's not easy, just practice....
Charles, I admire your Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness... the HOW of the program.
((((((hugs))))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
One thing I find very comforting is the realization that I didn't get here overnight, and I'm not going to get better overnight either. I am so much healthier than I was, say, ten years ago. I am also now healthy enough to recognize those places where I am still messed up, and not stress them. I try not to put myself in positions where my old bad behaviours will be triggered - as they say in AA "If you don't want to slip, stay out of slippery places".
