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I am a nervous wreck. I said "just as friends, right?" He responds yes, I don't know where I am going in my life.
This guy is my neighbor. We've been talking just in passing often. Every once in a while, we chat for a while about "life." I am pretty sure this guy knows my situation. I'm still not divorced. My estranged will visit me, bring me a coffee, etc. Been separated and living alone for 5 years. That's another story. My estranged often tells me if someone asks you out, it's never just as friends.
I work in the public sector and consequently the public sector doesn't know my private life. So out I am with a guy and people will probably be shocked. I know, I know, what others think about me is none of my business.
So ironic because we are neighbors and I mean when I let my hair down after work, I truly let my hair down. I look like chit and I love it. Off come all the work clothes, on goes the most comfy thing I can find -- ripped tee shirts, clothes that don't match, you name it (ha ha).
Then I play my country music and I sing as I am cleaning or whatever. And I tell ya, my friends, I CANNOT CARRY A TUNE to save my life. On the weekends as I am doing housework, I look the wreck of the hespress! I haven't been out with a guy in sometime now. I kind of like my easy going, own life. Do I trust that it will be just as friends? I don't want to hurt this guy. He's so nice and I know he's looking for someone to complement his life.
Oh well, off to the Kenny Chesney Festival with Keith Urban, Gary Allen, LeeAnn Rimes and Sammy Haggar.
Ok gang so rein me in -- the guys too. I'd love your perspective.
Have a great weekend, whatever you are doing.
Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
HMMMMMM u have a dilema , the neighbour is obviously a nice guy if he sees u in your miss matched cleaning garb and still wants to take you out . hehe as long as he know u are not divorced what harm could supper do? you can always go dutch keep it light and enjoy . I understand your hesitation as it could complicate things , take a chance and risk getting to know him better and would u not want someone to compliment your life too ? who knows . enjoy . Louise Just my opinion .
Just because no one has been able to teach to to dance the 2 step is no reason to worry about how you look in your comfy clothes while singing and dancing to country music ;)
if you want to go out and absolutely make sure it remains just as friends, you can ask him if you can help each other practice date. You might even find the next Mr. right for you or Ms. right for him. Regardless, I say go for it at whatever level you are comfy with. No up front rules or expectations, just neighbors going out and yeah, dutch is a great idea. It is going out with a grown-up (hopefully) who you are comfy talking with and I doubt either of you want to ruin a good neighbor thing with a bad break up down the line. Yup, we are guys and we ask women out as guys. That doesn't mean we are all jerks, and you have to give him credit for taking the chance on rejection. Hey, I trust you so why not give yourself a nice time with a guy who you enjoy chatting with and go from there - on date at a time, perhaps?
Good for you ~ jump. Dating should be kept light. You are getting to know each other as friends, hanging out, some nice talk, dinner, movie, whatever. I see what your AH is saying, sure it can be that you are considering each other for more. That's always a natural possibility but I certainly think men can control themselves!
I hope you go for it and have a great time. I've had a few dates over the last few weeks & I have had a lot of fun! I love a man that likes me natural & messy too... just be yourself! And do whatever feels natural!!!
love, -k
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Yes I would agree with Kitty the light touch is so key. Personally I would not date a neighbor. I've been there and done that. Keeping the boundary is hard enough, when someone is around all the time its harder. But that's my ESH. Obviously you need some outlets. I can tell you for me its really super hard work to keep it light. I have to do pretty much what I did when l left the A to really work on my expectations.
I think its wonderful to be asked out on a date. I work a lot on being accessible and having some kind of a life. I also have to work on my expectations. I have to keep them super low and keep it really low key. I have a long long history of rushing into relationships.
Personally I think dressing down can be lovely. I also think dressing up can be lovely too. I was really hoping to be able to volunteer at an event next week which is a bit more high brow. That didn't happen but I put my name out. I ask for stuff now.
What would you like your date to be? Maybe you should explore your feelings and talk about it here so that you can work on this. Just my ESH. I know for me its been super hard work to date and really evaluate what I think.
Boundaries are tough going. Sometimes we discover issues with neighbors by looking at our feelings and wondering if it might be difficult. I know I've dated neighbors before. As I was codependent it didn't turn out well. Personally I don't think I have enough recovery to do it. These days it is very distant and very short. I don't go beyond a certain number of hours, it is very very very low key for me.
We all have to find our way some of the way is by trying very safe experiments like going out and seeing how it feels. Others are by listening to others experiences.
Go out, enjoy yourself. Ya'll both will know if there is some kind of chemistry that you need to be cautious with. If it happens and thats what both of ya'll want, then great! If there is not any romantic chemisty, then enjoy it for what is is...a great person to get out with and enjoy yourselves.
!!!Here we come to save the day!!! Debilyn in her ugly scoopy doo boxers and pink tank top and shark flip,flops hair flying behind her, her trusty fat white with brown ticked horse EllieBellie pulling her the whole way to save MARIA!!!!!! Making a big lasso out of her bright pink long lead, we lasso Maria, who is in her lime green tore up t shirt that says,"HOPELESS" and bright orange raggy shorts with hairy legs....and we save her from ever possibly having a life full of nice meals, good movies,no fighting or drama and LOVE!!
So Maria for petes sake YOU don't even know if you want to be friends. You don't even know him yet!! Now this is from my vast experience of dating in 1068..met a cute guy after that i went with until I married someone else!
Anyway really, hon go as a friend.Pretend he is just a girlfriend, well that did not come out right. But in essense yes, pretend he has no gender sort of, he is a human being you get to share your lovliness with. Men, if they are cool guys, love you for being so open about being yourself. He has seen ya all dressed up to. I can tell you I like a man in levis and a white t shirt. Or wierd long underwear with a big levi button up shirt. well I just love men... Anyway seriously go as a friend to hm.
You don't have any idea how you feel about anyone for a very long time. I did hear a thing on a cute movie, come back to me.don't shave your legs then you will be less likely to do something stupid.....
I say in my experience....I invite you to just be mellow, take it slow like, enjoy where you are each moment. As far as the five year thing, try eight year thing. You will do that paperwork when you are ready. Apparently he is not too freaked out by it.
Ignore what whoever said about that does not mean he just wants to be friends. Face the fact, men do think about "other" things but that is becuz testosterone causes brain damage. My vet friend told me that. But that does not mean men are not worth every moment of thier presence when they are confidant, funny and sensitive and smell good....soft lips....hold your hand....
It is YOUR job to keep things slow, friendly and pay attention to what they do and what they say is second. Really I don't believe men can help thinking about the other thing as it is always ready. But they truly want to know you as a person too. In fact that makes things better.
I had one "manfriend" who always wanted to get the physical thing over with so he could just be with me.lol lol.
Anyway I wish I had a man next door who liked me. Only one I met today is a huge angora goat named Curly I am shearing....
Well now you join Diva in being who I get to live vicariously. sigh ok Jerry what do you think of that?? love,debilyn who expects updates
I agree with Debilyn: don't shave your legs! I'd also not shave under the arms (yuck!)
On the more serious side . . . . . . . . . . trust your gut. If you feel it's perfectly okay to go out with this man, then do so. You are in control of your boundaries.
When I was separated from my AH for 8 months, I was sooooooooooooo attracted to this one hunk of a man, who, by the way, showed interest in me. But he was so cool about it; we sort of had this tacit agreement that we'd keep it as friends. And we did. I'm so glad that we did. It wouldn't have been fair to either of us. Your situation sounds very different. You've been separated for a long time.
Enjoy your time with him. And, leave the legs prickly!
Hey, my only esh is to totally be yourself as much as possible and see what happens.
It just so happens that being myself does have to do with shaving my legs, etc. daily- that is who I am!!!
Anyway, keep it simple. Its just a few hours one evening of your life. Its nothing more than that.
It takes courage and for me- a willingness to remain open because I tend to clam up like a mollusk or clamp down like a pitbull and in the past have had no dimmer switches to adjust any of that- now, thanks to this program, I do. I have many choices and options. the thing that is hard for me is that I am still so SLOW in making those decisions. But then I just say that I am slow to whomever I am relating to- they can take it or leave it and how they respond tells me a lot about them.
Try to just have a nice time and keep the focus on YOU, not him- hugs, J.
I think it's awesome that you're going out, and you, being an adult, have "at least" 50% or more influence in determining whether it is "just friends" or not... Try not to project too far or too much into it.... enjoy the time together, and then figure out if you want to spend more time with this guy..... Who knows, you might like it/him etc!!!
Have fun!
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Maria, I think you have some great suggestions here....and I can't believe I am going to say this in type so it can come back to haunt me later...but I agree with Paul.
You let this guy know up front that it is just as friends. And that is a good place to start. Who's to say it will be more than that or not. Take it one day at a time.
If he truly is just a nice guy who wants to spend some more time talking with you...then great. If he wants more than what you do I am sure you will be able to gently tell him so.
He sees a special lady who he wants to spend more time with....and heck he's right.
Hope you had a blast at your concert.
Love ya, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
OMG, you made me laugh, rolling on the floor laughing even. I loved all the different perspectives. I am honored that you cared about me and took the time to give me your point of view.
Thank you so much for being my friend, Maria
Oh yeah and the concert was amazing!!! only taking me 2 days to recover and I didn't even drink - recover from all the singing and dancing (my voice and my body are still questioning my judgement )
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
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