The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has been attempting recovery for almost a year. We have had many bumps along the way....It was two weeks ago that I reached my bottom....enough is enough. He loving accepted the boundaries I established and vowed that he does not want this in his life and if he continues it will only lead to total destruction. Well two weeks since the last binge, here we are falling into the same stinking thinking. I have a full time job with travel and two kids. No my AH and I don't get a lot of time alone together and when we do usually one of us is exhausted. He falls into this depression when he doesn't drink. I hear it in his voice and I see it in his behaviour. It drives me away. His neediness is not very attractive. We just had a brief talk about it and he wants me to be more affectionate towards him. I'm not mean mad or holding a grudge but it always seems to be about him... this is not right that is not right. I start holidays today for three weeks....I investigate workplace deaths and believe me I need a break. I am loving and yes maybe I am not so affectionate these days....It is not that I don't want to be I just am not feeling it at the moment when he acts sooooooooo needy and moody about. To tell you the truth I feel like going to my girlfriends place and having a few drinks....I don't keep a speck of it in the house and haven't had a drink around AH for a while. I feel guilty for not abstaining myself but I am not an A and the occassional drink would be nice.
My only ESH is that I quit drinking too. I know I made bad decisions when I drank. I needed to find other resources to resolve stress.
I think for me I have also had to examine why I am so reactive. I can understand now after working the steps more than underneath that reactivity is the gold that I have to process. For me it was a lot of grief and rage. The reactivity was the way I managed it.
My quitting drinking did not affect the A at all. I know however that when I drank it affected me. I did not pay enough attention to the details and was on overwhelm simply dealing with stress all the time. I was from one over reaction to a way to clamp down my emotions. For me personally and its just my ESH I had to process those emotions to stop cycling through reactivity.
Your A will make it all about him - that's one of the things A's do. It's up to you to make sure that you aren't sucked into the black hole of his neediness - I'd say that going out with girlfriends is a great idea.
Just as he can't meet every single one of your needs, you can't be expected to be the be-all-and-end-all of his. If he's lonely and blue, let him reach out for healthy relationships with others. The isolation of alcoholism doesn't just affect us, it affects them too, and like us, they need to find a healthy way to deal with it. Doing that is part of sobriety and recovery, as opposed to just "not drinking".
Thanks for the support. You are so right. They do try to make it all about them. I feel like he is setting himself up to drink again and what better reason than lack of attention from his wife. It's not that he isn't getting attention because he is...but I'm not passionate enough I'm not this or that enough..enough is enough. I didn't go out with my friends last night but as I sit here today I am comtemplating a mini vacation on my own. With all this neediness there just isn't enough of me to go around. I feel I need me I want to take some time to reflect and heal. It may seem like I am running away but I feel like I need my batteries recharged. My AH's stinking thinking is sucking the living life out of me
Yes, the A's will always make it about them. But as he's working on recovery & looking to you or expressing this overwhelming neediness to you, I have been very codie like this in the past... we are needy & desperate when we don't have a good relationship with ourselves. The Program is about us learning to express our emotions, issues, being honest & true to ourselves. I grew up in drugs/alcohol, for me, learning to love myself has been my challenge. The more I love myself & am okay on my own, okay in my feelings inside of myself & focus on loving me, I need less & less from others. used to be, if my mom or b/f was upset, it would wreck me, I'd be upset too. That showed I didn't have internal boundaires. I should be happy no matter what my loved ones are feeling. Sure I can be empathetic & compassionate but I don't have to feel the way they are feeling ~ it just brings us both down.
I def can relate to what you're going through. If my step-dad is real drunk &/or trying to give me the negative vibes, now they bounce off. It has taken me time & work to get here, but I can hang out & not be affected.
I encourage you (w/ what my Priest told us when I got married) that it is important that you keep your lives, your friends. It is unreasonalbe to not have seperate friendships, they are healthy. Do some nice things for yourself & be with friends & good company. There is nothing to feel guilty about, enjoy your life & hobbies/passed times.
I'd encourage your AH to do the same. You are right, that kind of neediness isn't attractive, like you said, it's kind of is a turn off. My mom always told me that when you are busy & enjoying your own life, is when you look the most appealing to others. It is totally unrealistic to expect all things from one person, just like Lin said.
Also, alcoholics know that alcohol exists in the world. Nothing you do or don't do can ultimately influence your AH. I also understand that some couples decide to give it up together. It's a personal choice & it's your life, you have to do what is right for you.
Keep at it, keep posting, love, -k
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
