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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> fourth step
Post Info TOPIC: fourth step
maresie


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 4578
Date:
fourth step
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Being seduced by alcoholism. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/20/magazine/20Carr-t.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

This first chapter of a drunkalogue was in the New Yorks times last week.

I know for me it has brought up a lot. I was definitely seduced by alcoholism.  I was also totally mesemerized by the drama and the rollercoaster.

I think I was also fascinated by living on the edge of something.  I did not have to take responsibility for my life because everything was such a mess.

I have been working for an alcoholic for a few months now. Every area of her life is one helluva of mess which of course, like the A I was with she is careful to palm off onto others as best she can.  Like the A until his demise, she camaflages very well. She plays victim, oh so much better than I ever could (I guess I have to admit to being manipulative). Her rage and tantruming is ever present.  Yet she somehow manages to convince people inbetween her lies that she is productive. The A did that to me for years.  That was like being in a maze.  I have had to learn to detach better and better and better. I have also had to learn to expect nothing indeed to expect she will blame and then blame and then blame some more.  All those things the A did.  I can find myself craving for some nugget of sanity somedays when there is none.

i have taken a ton of action to be out of this job. Indeed I almost made it a few weeks ago, now there will be a brief interval before I run off and never look back. In some magnamimous moments I think of leaving my number for the next person but know what it will be.  Why do that. I've been there and done that.

My sponsor, who is very busy, has been incredibly generous with her time and energy in reading my long laborious 4th step, getting to the present, getting to what I did with the last A(there were more before him) getting to what I do every day is hard.  I can change that. I can take responsibility for that and I don't much want to.

Maresie.


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maresie
debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3131
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mary I just wanted to tell you your post made me smile Look at you becoming more social.So cool you have a sponsor.

I don't believe I have seen many people work so hard on their program as you. And you really pay attention the whole time.

I feel so blessed to know you. hugs to you and the fur faces,debilyn

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maresie


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 4578
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There is much for me in looking at how I got hooked into the A. I know some of it was the way he dropped that he had had a drug problem in the past, it was very sly coming in under the radar. There were signs but I did not look at them. Then he eventually acknowledged he'd been arrested for selling marjuana.  By then I was bonded.

I am trying to be more social in a very very low key way because I am incredibly lonely and isolated.  I live in one tiny room as you all know and well in reality most of my belongings are in storage.  I have to find ways to balance ways I can "balance" my life and ways I can move forward to a better future.  I am scared stiff about hooking up with another A.

Right now I see both a social worker (who is helping me with various disabilty issues) as well as a therapist.  I 'd love to keep that up but its unlikely I'll be able  to beyond a few weeks.  I still feel like I am only scratching the surface.

Maresie.


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maresie
kitty


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2098
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When I worked the steps through the first time, I already had a spiritual connection to my hp, so I zoomed towards step 4. I couldn't wait to tell you all of my faults & figured 'this is great, I can get rid of this stuff' which as we know took total surrender, complete & utter acceptance & defenselessness. I worked thru the 12 steps 3 times my first year in.  I was only 17. 
   
"I am scared stiff about hooking up with another A." -Maresie

There was a time when I felt like this too, but I promise the better at spotting them you get, the more firm & clear in yourself ~ this won't be an issue. You'll recognize them, a few past memories will come to mind & you will avoid & evade these people. It isn't worth getting sucked back in, esp for us who grew up in this disease. I was to keep A's as far away from my inner most, private life as I can. Sure, maybe as a friend but not a lover, I just can't take another A. There is nothing to be scared of, if u know you don't want that kind of relationship again.


Keep up ur good work! Love, -k  aww



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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> fourth step