(((( cyber hugs MBJ ))))

Welcome to the Board. So your AH has been working his AA program for a year now. Have you been to any al-anon meetings, yet? I encourage you to go and get all of the free literature on alcoholism you can and read it carefully & thouroughly. The 2 pamphlets that have hleped me personally the most are: A Merry Go Round Called Denial and A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic.  You can also get literature from www.al-anon.alateen.org

Check out some of other posts, the Board is really educational and you are not alone in what you are going through. We have a chat room that usually always has someone in it and we host two on-line meetings each day. The hours are in the chat room.

I grew up moving around a lot, one year I was in 3 schools. I know how stressful moving can be. I've heard psychologists say, it's as stressful as losing a member of the family. Stress can make all of us do some strange things.

Recovery is a process, just like it's taken a long time for your AH to have gotten where he did in his disease, what ever it was that brought him to AA in the first place, it takes a lot for us to get healthy in our thinking. We all have slips. Maybe ur AH did slip, maybe he didn't. Sometimes we don't ever know. I remember very well, projecting about what they are or are not doing. I know it affects you. What we have to learn is to disengage from them & tune into us.

It sounds simple & you even said the same thing. But it's true, we cannot control another person, we can only control ourselves. My mind use to race & be obsessed & filled with thoughts of the other person. Once I finally gave up & plugged into me, it started to get better. Before that, I would end up getting suicidal ideations b/c I guess i thought that was some way to take power over my life or it was a coping mechanism. That is my old way coping. I am working hard to change my thought patterns.
    But I'd get so into thinking about someone else's issues - I wasn't living my best life. In fact, I was so anxious & worried, I wasn't living it all. I got so introverted, fearful, isolated & tired from it all. 

You can't really police an adult, ppl will do what they want to do. If an addict wants their drug of choice, often there isn't anything we can do. If they use, maybe they realize something and get back on track. If we spy or police them & check up, it usually just makes things worse. For me, it is far better to not start on that path b/c my old thinking will take over very quickly & I could be a very angry disappointed person fast. And it's mostly b/c I don't want to mother another adult & the old behavior disappoints me in me. Nagging doesn't help.

I can tell you it is a relief to finally let go of worrying, let go of the fear and simply focus on self. Tend to your needs, do nice things for yourself. My mom & Aunts always told me that men will be interested in me if I have an active life that I am interested in. Do some things for you. I know I used to feel completely out of control & insane when it came to my loved ones drinking/drugging/gambling. We can't force them to get well but we can learn some things that will stop enabling & feeding a fuel we don't even realize we are. I know I used to feel ashamed, guilty, scared around my A. Somehow what ever I was doing was allowing transference of blame, to allow him to go out. I no longer take responsibility for anything an A does. I do however, take responsibility for what part I actually do play in this life and encouraging an A to drink is not one of them. I also learned to not obsess on them, that has been the biggest hurdle/gift for me.

So, I am 40 & learning how to love myself first. How to keep the focus on me, it is very foreign but if I don't love me, an A will jump in so fast it makes my head spin thinking about it ! I deserve better & I will continue to work at acheiving all that I desire. We all deserve the best, no one wants to be abused, we want to be loved, so I'm starting with me.

Find a local meeting & if not I encourage you to keep posting & reading on the Board & check out a meeting in the chat room.  

We offer experience, strength & hope, no one can advise you to do anything, we can only share what has worked for us. I hope you give it a try & stick around, it's your life & you are worth it!

I am assuming that u are not in a prog for yourself - please find meetings and u will  undestand that there is nothing u can do about him or his drinking , only he knows the answer to the question are u drinking ?  If he is you are powerless over his decission to drink .  You can make yourself  sick worrying over something uhave no control over anyway  . me and m y head can go places i never planned on going in two sec flat - so I try to remember what i was told along time ago , alone in my own head there is no adult supervision  hehe , so I pick up the phone share my fears with people who understand where i am comming from and let it go . please find meetings for yourself as soon as possible . Louise

welcome. hey if you look above on the board you will see a wonderful gift waiting for you.

A very valued member, canadian guy is offering a free book that has been a lifesaver for many of us.

I can promise you, every question you have is answered in the book he is offering.

It feels good to share and give. So your accepting a book from him would be so cool.

In my experience, relapse is not  using..Relapse is a process and includes the result that is going back to using again.

Part of the process is missing meetings, not talking AA talk. There are bunches of red flags.

We have nothing to do with their illness of addiction. This is where the serenity prayer comes in. 

Also we did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it.

When I finally let go, ohhhh what a world opened up.

There are meetings here in the Chat room that are great. You can also pm people for extra one on one help if you like.

Welcome. You are in the right place.love,debilyn