The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We had a great meeting this morning where one of the topics was "let it begin with me." A prevalent thought and feeling was why does it have to begin with me? why me FIRST? why me first ALWAYS?
I sooooooooooo remember those feelings and same thoughts lo those many many years ago when I began in Alanon. And one of the things that I had learned was 1) I hate making amends (though it has a lot of catharsis in the act) and 2) I really, really hate making amends to an @ _ _ hole ESPECIALLY.
So why does it have to begin with me? Well because I want to keep my side of the street clean no matter what the other does to me, at me, because of me, etc. If I working on keeping my side of the street clean, my heart and soul will not carry burdens or HP forbid - the big G - guilt!
And so I shared this poem that was given to me long ago and that I love and cherish. At the time that I got this poem, I had not even finished Step 5 so I could not appreciate it as much because I was not fulfilling this poem's purpose. But after much work (and continued work) in this program, today I can say that hooray! the poem that I loved and inspired me, the poem that I was aspired to, is me. And so here goes:
MYSELF
I have to live with myself, and so I want to be fit for myself to know; I want to be able as the days go by Always to look myself straight in the eye.
I don't want to stand with the setting sun And hate myself for the things I've done. I don't want to keep on the closet shelf A lot of secrets about myself. And fool myself as I come and go Into thinking nobody else will know The kind of person I really am.
I don't want to cover myself with shame. I want to go out with my head erect; I want to deserve the world's respect; And in the struggle for fame and self I want to be able to love myself.
For I never can hide myself from me; I see what others can never see. I know what others can never know. So no matter what happens, I want to be Self-respect and conscience-free.
love in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
That is me, I am right there feeling why me first and I appreciate your post so much. Worn out trying to keep the family going for years before al anon and still needing to be the role model. BUT I too want to keep my side of the street clean especially now that I have learned it doesn't help anyone if I clean their sides of the street.
This poem speaks to me also and will inspire me to keep at it even when I tire or feel rebellious. Thanks for your post and this great poem - I needed to hear this today.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
I also came to learn that it can begin with me when I am wearing my program right. It can begin with me if my motives are right and my expectations dead and that allows me to share the peace of mind and serenity rather than attempt to control the lives and outcomes for others.
Now that I have experienced the happiness, joy and freedom that comes with recovery I do want to share it with others who are searching and becoming a part of the beginning for others is a gift with gratitude.
You made a whole lot of sense over something I was thinking about during a recent meeting here. "Why do I have to do these steps? I"m not the A? Why do I have to make ammends? etc" . You made sense out of my questions by your explanation of keeping your side of the street clean. That really puts it into perspective for me and makes me understand it a lot more. I was almost angry over the fact that I was going to have to do all of the hard work myself but this is going to make me think things over again, and in a different mind frame. Thanks for your inspiring thoughts ! Hugs, Jackie
you wrote - why does it always have to begin with me first??? - well, whenever I said why me when I was a girl, my Granny used to say - why not, 'coz you can do it my dear and you will be able to show others; it's called leading by example.
So, why not you?
You are such an inspiration my dear "12th-stepper" ((((((((((((Maria))))))))))))))) Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
